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12:39 p.m. - 2001-10-01

DIETS, DUMBASSES AND DEAD OLD PEOPLE IN DRIVE THRUS

On this new diet thing, I'm allowed eight animal crackers as a snack.

EIGHT. Animal. Crackers.

I don't know who would constitute eight animal crackers as a "snack", but I'm guessing they'd be Ethiopian in nature.

The last animal cracker I ate...number eight if you're keeping track...tasted like soap.

The other seven were fine. The last one had the distinct taste of Dove Soap.

Which I think is kinda cool for people on diets. Let's say you're eating your diet food and the last bite always tasted horrible and that would kinda tell your stomach "Okay, dude...enough."

It'd be easier to lose weight that way.

I'm just sayin'...


Speaking of diets, etc...I was reminded once again of a brilliant idea I had a few years back when I lost a buncha weight.

Somebody needs to open up a chain of diet restaurants. Sure...most restaurants have a few items on them that are low in fat or calories or sugar or sodium or whatever.

But if people KNEW that everything served in a particular restaurant was healthy, then they would flock to it. It'd make eating out a whole lot easier for those people on a diet and I think more people would diet if such a restaurant was available.

And you could even set aside a small portion of the menu for those who AREN'T on a diet...kinda like a reversal of the current trend.

My original idea was to open a restaurant that was nothing more than the ultimate salad bar. A salad bar that stretched all the way around the place and would include everything.

Now the idea has changed to just a dietary restaurant.

And keep in mind folks...I'm the one who came up with the concept of a restaurant where the staff was incredibly rude to the customers as a little "show" because people love to laugh and I think it'd be a pretty cool thing to go to...a restaurant where the waitress called me Tubby or Captain Calories or something.

And you know...now that idea has taken off and there are a few restaurants in this great country of ours that employs such a concept.

I coulda been rich had I just marketed the idea first.

But I didn't.

And I'm poor.

With a buncha new ideas just as great as the insulting restaurant thing.

So...you know...take me seriously when I say stuff like this...a dietary restaurant would WORK, baybee.

It's my restaurant, so I want some moolah if any of you young entrepreneurs go off and create such a place.


Heyyyyy...Check it out!

I'm not exactly sure what kinda site this is...but I'm number 22, babe!!

It's called "Adult Backwash" which sound like really large particles of chewed-up food and crap found in the last sip from a soda can, but I think it has something to do with sex which is kinda funny because I've done about 700+ entries here and only ten or so had sex as a theme to them.

I guess I need to give a shout out to the Amazon Sex Goddess who suggested this site for the list.

SHOUT OUUUUUT!

I'm still confused over all this though. If I get the chance, I'll explore the site a bit more and see what it's all about.


Can you believe this Taliban???

Obviously, this ain't your Daddy's Taliban. These guys are wackilicious.

NOW they're saying that America doesn't have the courage to come over there and start a war with them. We're all a bunch of cowards.

Speaking only for myself, you're damned tootin' I'm a coward, Tallywhacker. That's why I prefer to launch my verbal bombs right here in this diary.

But our military...MY military (not to be confused with the Uncle Bob Army, which are just a bunch of journalists who aren't expected to fight in a real war) is not afraid of you and your camel-humping asses.

Edweird and I were talking at lunch and we both think the Taliban HAS to have something up their sleeves besides some undeodorized armpits, because they're getting mighty cocky with us.

I'm hoping this ends up like the Persian Gulf War and that these suicidal morons have severely underestimated us and freak out in a matter of days. All signs point to the fact that I'm just being a dreamer here, but it would sure be nice to avoid any more unnecessary casualties.

American casualties that is. I could give two shits about dead Taliban people.

And even though I was practically crucified by some readers for my barbaric thoughts here a few weeks ago...you see the innocent Afghanistanians fleeing to Pakistan and running for cover from our military forces...just like I said we should do for them.

I quote me:

"Here's how you save those innocent Afghanistans...you give them warning ... they have a week to pack up their stuff and get the hell out of the way. Because people in their country are hiding the evil that has tried to destroy our nation and guess what? We aren't going to take it lying down. This plan gives the women and children plenty of time to escape. "

They've now had more than a week to get their stuff together and flee. The only people left behind are the bad guys.

Kill the bad guys. Kill 'em all. They're a bunch of murderous psychotic bullies and they're screwing up the system that says we should all live together in peace and harmony. They're like flies ruining a barbecue. Get out the fly swatter, take care of the flies and let's enjoy this mighty fine barbecue.

...And for all you hippy-dippy "Make Love Not War" people...flame away, I guess. Tell me I'm a horrible person for wishing a bunch of deadly terrorists dead.

But let me interupt your little flame fest by saying...YOU'RE WRONG.


This cracked me up.

I can't believe that if you're reading this site, you haven't checked out The Onion yet from last week, but if you haven't...do so.

Especially the "What's on TV" listings. I was doing everything in my power not to bust out laughing in my office as I read that.


Finally, I have to touch on something that I've railed about before ... but today I was faced with this major malfunction in today's society once again and thought I would reiterate my point one more time.

People...the drive thru lanes at the bank are for people in a freakin' hurry. Not for lazy asses who want to do a hundred different things from the comfort of their car.

I was third in line today in a lane specifically designated for SINGLE TRANSACTIONS ONLY.

I don't know what it's like in the rest of the world, but here in Alabama, we have to have lanes that spell it out in black and white...this lane is for people who have only ONE transaction to complete...not for people that should technically be inside the building right now tending to their various accounts and making small talk with a pissed-off bank teller through a squawk box.

So I'm third in line and I have my window rolled down. I watch the guy at the front of the lane get the tube back, take the cash or whatever out of the tube and then instead of putting it back in its resting place and driving off to become yet another legitimate member of a working society, this asshead SENDS THE TUBE BACK and then starts tapping on the roof of his car to some eccentric crap coming out of his stereo.

I really, really really, really wanted to get out of the car and go have a talk with the guy. Specifically, when it says "Single Transactions Only", that means only ONE check to cash or one check to deposit. Not "Send in every transaction you've been storing up for the last several months one at a time until the people behind you want to send you to a cave in Afghanistan."

Finally, that dipshit went on his way.

Next...old man in a pickup truck.

Old Man jammed his stuff in the tube and sent it in. A few minutes passed. Finally, the voice on the intercom...

"Mr. Old Man, I need you to sign the back of your check, please."

What in the hell??

Here is my assessment of the situation.

Old Man just climbed out from under a rock that he had been living in for the last seven decades. He had probably never signed his name in his life other than the occasional etching in tree bark that he had made as a younger man.

Old Man seemed confused when asked to sign his check. And of course, it took him about two minutes to sign.

Then he got his money back a few minutes later. And because he's an old man, he doesn't trust these newfangled things like drive throughs because that's where the bank teller will screw ya...in the drive through. You'll pull off, get on the interstate, go to count your money and you'll be a nickle short.

So it's always good to count your money while in the drive thru lane with lots of people honking at you from behind as you painfully count every damned penny of your money.

EVEN if it means lots of people honking at you.

Well I've had it.

No more honking.

From here on out, anywhere from gentle bumper nudging to full blown ramming is in effect.

You old fogies have been warned.

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