current entry older entries message board contact
5:45 a.m. - 2001-10-17

REMEMBER WHEN GANGS WERE THE BIG PROBLEM FACING AMERICA? AHHH...THE GOOD OLD DAYS...

I have yet ANOTHER theory on who may be behind the recent anthrax scares at ABC and NBC.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

...Dan Rather.


So last night, Susie came home for a few minutes to nurse her son before she went off into the night, screwing midgets and Vietnam vets for spare change.

Okay...she went to church. But once again...how do I KNOW this? She COULD be out on the streets, working as a crack whore. I would never know the difference because I'm too lazy to look for clues.

Anyway...she's telling me that a girl who works for her (during her normal daytime job...not during her evening and weekend crackwhore position)came to her yesterday and told her she needed to leave at noon.

Susie asks why. Susie's inquizative about things like that.

The girl tells Susie that she has to take her 13 year-old brother to some camp up North.

What 13 year-old boy goes to camp during the school year?

Ohhhhh...try a 13 year-old GANG MEMBER!!!

It's a sad story (according to Susie...I didn't need any Kleenex to get through it). This girl is 22, raising her 13 year-old and 10 year-old brothers, because the mother is an alcoholic and gave up custody of the boys. And this girl's doing the best she can to provide for these kids, but she works for my wife, and my wife's a hard ass, as I've pointed out numerous times in this journal. If my wife ever decided to give this girl a raise, she MIGHT make minimum wage. That's how tough my wife is. A real ball breaker, she is. And that's just in her day job, I'm not counting the whole crack whore thing.

Dammit...the boy's crying. I've got a few bones to pick with him this morning too. Be right back, I've gotta go spank his nuts off.

...Back...the boy's nutless now.

So anywhoo...this 13 year old kid beat the living shit out of another kid at school on Friday. Beat him pretty bad. Bad enough where the parents could easily press charges to help pay for the f'n HOSPITAL BILLS. Yep...that bad.

So the principal suspended the boy for this week because of the fight.

Monday night, the 22 year old goes into the kid's bedroom for something or another...and the kid is filling out paperwork for his gang membership.

Yes.

I said "filling out paperwork".

There is nothing funny about gangs and their members. I think they're all a bunch of trashy little bastards who should be put on a deserted island and let them be all tough and mighty there, killing each other. They're all stupid, ignorant little shitheads.

But a kid filling out paperwork to be in a gang?

Priceless.

I'm sure he had to list prior bully behaviors. Probably provide a few references of people he's robbed or killed. I'm sure he had to write "Bee-yotch" and "Muthafukka" on quite a few lines.

I'll tell ya a job that would suck...being the gang's secretary or administrative assistant. The one guy who has to keep track of all the paperwork. They probably call him "A-Dawg" for "Administrative Dawg" or "Lil' S" for "Little Secretary".

I'm sure the guy is down with his homies. He's fly with the posse.

But secretly...he yearns for the day that he can escape this gang life and go be an accountant. Right now, yeah...he'll hang and bang with his brotherhood. But he sees a future that goes well past getting boned up the ass for being a fucking wiseguy by some crazed truck driver/mass murderer in prison.

Someday...A-Dawg is going to trade in his gat for a calculator and a file cabinet.

Maybe that's how Herbert Kornfeld got started.


Soooooo...Andy.

Andy's got a new little game he likes to play. I call it "Let's Bite Daddy's Face Really Hard Until He Screams And Whatever You Do...DON'T Release Your Grip On Him."

Y'see...my boy's a kisser.

He enjoys kissing his daddy especially. On the mouth. He climbs up on my lap, smiles, and then lunges with his mouth onto mine.

....Except....Andy really hasn't gotten a grasp on how to kiss yet.

I'll go so far as to say...he's the worst fucking kisser I've ever kissed.

He keeps his mouth wide open and basically presses it against my mouth area.

Then he chomps down for all he's worth.

He usually catches a lip between his razor sharp teeth.

Last night, he decided to expand his operation and began chowing down on my cheeks, eyes, forehead and hair.

At one point, he got a mouthful of hair and began tugging it out.

He hasn't figured out what the term "Holy f'n shit....OWWWWWWWWWWWWW!!!! Letgoletgoletgoletgo" means yet either.

In fact, he must think that's some sort of baby joke. Because he grins from ear to ear whenever I say it.

So last night, his kissing got a bit intense and he actually drew blood on my cheek.

I can't spank the kid. I'd break his baby spine if I did that.

He seems to understand "NO-NO!" I think they use that term at daycare every time he tries biting the cat.

So I can say "NO-NO!" and there's a good chance he may stop what he's doing. Usually, this comes in handy when he has the dog's water dish in his hands and is about to flip it over, spilling the contents all over the utility room floor.

I say "Usually".

But when he has a baby mouthful of my cheek, "NO-NO!" must mean "HARDER! HARDER!" Because he latched onto me like Anna Nicole Smith on a dying octagenarian's checkbook.

Searing pain went through my cheek as I tried to pry him off of me without breaking down into tears in front of my boy. Finally, he released his iron baby grip and we were left with him in my arms, staring up at me with his angelic smile.

...And a small chunk of my cheek in his teeth...

Short of covering my face with tabasco sauce, I don't know what to do with this kid and his biting problems.

The good thing is to the best of my knowledge, I'm the only one he bites like this. He's had no bad reports from daycare and so far the Center for Disease Control hasn't stopped by to give him a series of rabies shots.

I know he's doing it to be playful. I tickle his belly and he responds by biting half my face off like Gentle Ben on a cocaine binge. It's a game to him.

I'm just tired of playing by his rules.

Any suggestions?

0 comments so far
The last one/The next one


NEW!!!Come and write some BAD EROTICA with the cool kids!

My Diaryland Trading Card
Now go write a Suck Ass Poem™
Write me a note here.
Read my notes here.
Hey! Take the Uncle Bob Quiz!
What the hell! May as well take the wildly popular Uncle Bob Second Quiz too!
Thanks Diaryland
Designed by Lisa


CURRENT - ARCHIVES - MESSAGES - EMAIL


Have you read these?

The End Of Uncle Bob - 12:28 p.m. , 2009-02-19

Losing Focus While Trying To Write A Blog Entry Is Cool. - 1:47 p.m. , 2008-12-04

Buck Up Junior, You Could Be Digging Ditches - 11:36 p.m. , 2008-10-31

That Sinking Feeling - 6:09 a.m. , 2008-10-28

Return Of The Karate Kid And His Slow Kitty-Lovin' Accomplice - 5:44 a.m. , 2008-10-22

Sign up for my Notify List and get email when I update!

email:
powered by
NotifyList.com

HEY YOU!
Click on the button below to order the book "Never Threaten To Eat Your Co-Workers: Best of Blogs" featuring Uncle Bob.
You WON'T be sorry.

DISCLAIMER


Read a random entry of mine.