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You know ... if I were a gay man ... I think I'd be all over that American Taliban guy, John Walker.

I mean...c'mon. Admit it. He's hot in a Charles Manson terrorist way.

Sure, he seems to be a little dirty and have a pretty strong aversion to having his picture taken by CIA agents. But once you scrub the scurvy off of him and coax a smile out of him, I think you'd have one strapping young stud.

Sometimes I think I picked the wrong sex to be obsessed over.

I'm not sure if it's an actual weather condition or not, but it sure is gloomy outside today.

Very overcast with a steady rain.

I love it because anytime I want to stare out the window and check the weather I just tilt my head ten degrees to the left and WHOOMP! There it is.

At home, there are no windows in my den. We have a windowless den. It is the object of much ridicule by those who come to visit us and spend more than a fleeting moment in the den.

ME: "I hear it's supposed to rain this evening."

MOM: "Well how the hell will you know? You bought a house with no windows in the den, you f'n idiot!"

ME: "Thanks Mom. Thanks for your vote of confidence in me."

MOM: "And you're fat too."

Anyway, it's positively gloomy outside and it has inspired me to write a Haiku poem. Goes a little something like this.

(Ahem)

RAIN RAIN GO AWAY

Rain rain go away

Come again some other day

Go away rain. Leave.

I really missed my calling. I shoulda been a gay, fat Haiku poem writer.

Maybe it's the gloominess bringing out all this reflective introspection.

There's this girl at church who I think might be a lesbian.

She's really pretty cool. She's in college and dresses really cool. Plus she listens to cool music.

I've ran my suspicions by Susie, who was quick to shoot them down. Susie doesn't think anyone's gay and is in total denial when she finds out her friends are gay. One of her closest friends is really gay...as in butch gay. She's completely out of the closet and told Susie she was gay, but Susie assured her it was just a passing phase.

So anyway, yesterday, we're talking about Kelly, the suspected lesbian at church.

"I think Kelly's gay," I said.

"She's not gay," Susie assured me.

"I think she is," I replied.

"What makes you think that?" she asked.

"Because she has a tattoo on the back of her neck," I said.

"That doesn't make her gay," Susie said.

"The tattoo says 'Sara'," I said.

Silence.

"Well...maybe Sara's just a good friend," Susie conceded.

I swear. She just doesn't get it.

Not that there's anything wrong with being gay. I just enjoy trying to figure out who's gay and who's not. It's kinda like a social puzzle to me. One out of ten people are gay. Me, being a former Psych major, like to analzye people and determine if they have enough gay tendencies to qualify as being gay.

I'm usually right about my hunches. I guess technically, I have "gaydar" and I'm not even gay. Never even experimented, thank you very much .

It's just a hobby to me.

There's really no point to any of this.

So I think I'll end it here.

This guy at work ... man ... I really like the guy. He's a super nice fellow. But to say he's backward is not giving him the credit he deserves.

He got married on Friday. He's 27, his new wife is 33, I think. 32 or 33.

They got married because she couldn't find a job so she decided to join the military.

Okay. Unless you're a patriotic person who's really wanting to get out there and fight for their country, now's not the time to be joining the military.

She's just looking for a paycheck. The military offered to pay her and she jumped on board.

So they got married. I'm not sure of the exact military reasons, but it's a whole lot easier on them if they're married while she's in the military than if she wasn't.

Anyway, they got married by a justice of the peace. It was kind of spur of the moment, so that's understandable.

They forgot to have any pictures made of the ceremony.

For their first dinner as a married couple, he took her to IHOP.

The International House of Pancakes.

Where he proceeded to slap the bottom of a ketchup bottle and get ketchup all over his new bride.

During their wedding dinner.

At IHOP.

The boy eats ketchup on everything, according to him.

Being their honeymoon and all, he probably ate it off of her.

Anyway, they're married now and she's gone home to Mobile.

That's three hours away. She's working at Sears down there and wants to give them proper notice before going into the military.

You certainly don't want to burn any bridges with Sears, my friend.

So they're married, had a dinner at IHOP and they're spending their honeymoon three hours apart.

I'm envious as hell over this.

My boy married the perfect wife.

Susie thinks that we're setting the Christmas tree up tonight.

To that, I say this:

"BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHA!!!"

Please don't make me repeat myself.

Mattie Gee sent me this one ...

Q: What do Dale Earnhardt and Pink Floyd have in common?

A: Their last big hit was the wall.

A'ight, my lunch hour is up. Time to go back to editing profiles.

This morning I chopped 175 words out of a story about your average hotel.

I almost passed out from all the excitement.

OH!

People ... if you emailed me asking me to be in the Army and you haven't gotten in the Army yet, it's because my email was down for the majority of the last ten days and I've only received a few requests which are currently listed in the upper left hand corner of this entry.

Please email me your request again and I will get you added next Monday.

Take care!