current entry older entries message board contact
3:17 p.m. - 2002-02-02

REDNECKS AND CRACKHEADS AND DIPSHITS, OH MY ... I MUST BE HOME

I'm HOOOOOOME!!

...And yes...that's an "e" on the end of that....not an "o".

I'm suffering from some severe jet lag, having slept 11 of the last 18 hours.

But damn...it's good to be back home.

Had a very non-eventful trip home. I was one of the people randomly picked to have my luggage searched by a little old lady on a table in the middle of the airport.

I'll tell you what kiddies...if you plan on flying anytime soon, word to the wise...do NOT bring anything that might embarrass you to have yanked out of your suitcase and put on display for the people waiting in the ticket lines.

Because when you're getting your luggage checked, you ARE the provided entertainment for these people. So they get a chance to see everything you brought with you on your little trip.

So leave your drugs, your porn, your sex toys and your cross dressing materials at home.

Luckily, the most incriminating thing I had in my bag was a bottle of wine. And that didn't raise a single eyebrow.

On my first flight to Seattle, I had to sit on a cramped plane next to a guy that was about twice my size. He was shoehorned into his seat when I boarded the plane and I had to sit with half my body in the aisle. It didn't seem to bother him one bit, while I wanted to point out to the stewardess that this fat bastard should be riding with the cargo. But I sucked it up, kept quiet and held my breath for an hour and five minutes.

I was rewarded with seats on the next two planes in rows by myself. Nobody to have to share my rows with. And on a five hour flight, it is very cool to be able to stretch out, cross your legs, put your stuff on adjacent seats ... you actually feel sorry for those fat cat bastards in first class having to sit next to each other.

You know...that brings me to a rant. I hate people who travel first class now.

You get the feeling that they think they're better than the people in coach, which they do. Like they're all sitting up there because they're special. All they did was pay a hundred bucks more to sit in a patent leather seat instead of a cloth seat, they get about three extra inches of space in between themselves and the fat cat bastard next to them and they get free wine and their asses kissed by a male steward whose last job was being a barback at Chili's. First class is severely overrated from what I've seen, and I think they're all a bunch of obnoxious bastards up there.

What really pissed me off was yesterday...and I watched this unfold...a young woman took her child into the first class bathroom when she was seated in coach. She was in the first few rows of coach and the first class bathroom was much closer than the bathroom at the back of the plane.

A fat cat bastard called the steward over to his chair and said something. Then, WHILE THE LADY WAS IN THIS BATHROOM WITH HER CHILD, the steward got on the intercom system and said in his precious little sissy voice "For your information, there is a lavatory located at the back of the plane for coach customers. The lavatory in the front of the plane is strictly for first class customers" or something to that effect. The lady exited the bathroom, embarrassed, as all eyes were clearly on her.

I wanted to lead a cheer throughout the coach cabin for her. She was one of the few ... the proud .... the scummy airline travellers that had made it into the shangri-la of airplane lavatories.

I had hoped she had the decency to piss all over everything in the lavatory after hearing that message in their bathroom.

The fat cat bastards.

Anyway...my layovers were not very interesting at all.

My last flight, from Charlotte to home was a virtually empty flight. We had a decent sized airplane with about 11 passengers on it. Which meant that we could basically sit wherever we wanted and give each other plenty of space.

For some reason, a cluster of us had tickets for the two back rows. So right behind me were this gal from New York and a local redneck named Bubba. He said his name was Mark, but I have a feeling he was just trying to appear high falutin'. He was a Bubba through and through.

So Bubba felt like he had hit the jackpot...he had gotten an airplane ticket seated next to a somewhat attractive woman. Maybe other men would find her attractive...I didn't. So she's sitting there and he comes up and sits down next to her. He begins striking up conversation after conversation and it was PAINFULLY OBVIOUS to the rest of us that she didn't want to talk. She was trying to read from what I could understand. Keep in mind, they were directly behind me.

So he wants to know where she's from. She tells him and does not ask where he's from which is a clear sign of a one-sided conversation. He tells her he's from south Alabama. He wants to know why she's coming to Alabama. She's coming to meet "a friend" (something told me she met a guy over the internet). He just keeps pounding her with questions for about 20 minutes into the flight.

At one point, she turned off her overhead light and said she was going to rest. He STILL kept talking. It was obvious...OBVIOUS that with a plane full of empty seats, she really really really wanted him to get up and move so she could enjoy her trip in peace and not be grilled like John Walker Lindh.

Finally, he worked up the balls to ask her THE question.

"Are you married? Single? What?"

She said she was engaged.

...And from that point on, he didn't say a word. Not one stinking word.

I wanted to lead another cheer through the cabin. One that went "Hoo! Hoo! Hoo! Hoo! Hoo!" which would signify "In your FACE!" without actually saying those words.

It was a peaceful flight after that. I wanted to take New York Girl aside once we touched down and apologize for Bubba's actions. He mistook the situation to be not one of simple travel, but as a handy outlet to pick up chicks.

But she strode into the airport, grabbed the hand of a tall, handsome man and kept striding right out the airport's front doors with her carry-on luggage.

I saw Bubba and his redneck buddy at the baggage carousel. Bubba nudged his buddy and then pointed with his head toward the woman and her "fiance" as if to say "I almost nailed that bitch", because that's how I'm sure he perceived their conversation.

Anyway, those were the highlights of my trip.

Seeing my wife and boy were the highlights of my day.

It was so cute ... Susie was holding Andrew up and they were watching the people come into the airport. Susie kept saying "There's Daddy! There's Daddy!" but Andrew was watching other people. So I walked right up to them and his eyes fixed on me and he got the biggest grin on his face and reached out for me to hold him.

I grabbed him, kissed her and they both gave me the biggest hugs imaginable.

It was Heaven.

By the time we got home, it was past Andrew's bedtime and he had zonked out in the car on the way home. We put him to bed without incident and then sat up and talked about our week until I finally admitted exhaustion after midnight.

Today's been a lazy day. The dog and baby woke us up at 6:30. We all got up and ate some breakfast, opened the gifts that I brought home with me and then went to Walmart and the grocery store to buy groceries.

Having a homecooked meal tonight. I never really understood the appeal of a homecooked meal until I went for a week without one. I always thought that a weeklong business trip would be great because it's a different meal in a different restaurant every night.

...A different restaurant that you have to go out in the cold weather to seek out. And sit there with your shoes on and stare at the empty seat across from you as you eat. And have to tip some stranger at the end, even if that stranger totally ignored you the entire time you were there.

Tonight...steak, baked potato, grilled squash and eggplant, salad and rolls.

Yum.

It's so good to be home.

0 comments so far
The last one/The next one


NEW!!!Come and write some BAD EROTICA with the cool kids!

My Diaryland Trading Card
Now go write a Suck Ass Poem™
Write me a note here.
Read my notes here.
Hey! Take the Uncle Bob Quiz!
What the hell! May as well take the wildly popular Uncle Bob Second Quiz too!
Thanks Diaryland
Designed by Lisa


CURRENT - ARCHIVES - MESSAGES - EMAIL


Have you read these?

The End Of Uncle Bob - 12:28 p.m. , 2009-02-19

Losing Focus While Trying To Write A Blog Entry Is Cool. - 1:47 p.m. , 2008-12-04

Buck Up Junior, You Could Be Digging Ditches - 11:36 p.m. , 2008-10-31

That Sinking Feeling - 6:09 a.m. , 2008-10-28

Return Of The Karate Kid And His Slow Kitty-Lovin' Accomplice - 5:44 a.m. , 2008-10-22

Sign up for my Notify List and get email when I update!

email:
powered by
NotifyList.com

HEY YOU!
Click on the button below to order the book "Never Threaten To Eat Your Co-Workers: Best of Blogs" featuring Uncle Bob.
You WON'T be sorry.

DISCLAIMER


Read a random entry of mine.