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6:23 a.m. - 2002-02-03

I WANT A DEN THAT LOOKS LIKE THE PARTRIDGE FAMILY'S BUS

Those Crest Whitestrips??

...They suck shit.

My teeth are NOT ten shades whiter. They are NOT even visibly whiter. They look like rancid kernels of dried out corn, stained by years and years of foolish pot smoking.

Okay...they don't look that bad. But save your money, kids. Don't buy those Crest Whitestrips.

Rabble scrabble Crest. Selling pipe dreams for blinding teeth at $37 a pop.


And I checked it out for myself ... you CANNOT see my page in Netscape.

I'm not sure why this is. I think it has something to do with the fact that Netscape is one lousy assed browser. Then again, that deduction could be tainted by my irreversible hatred for the Netscape company, home of the Mighty Netscapers.

Sorry ... I just rolled out of bed and stumbled to the computer. You get what you pay for this morning.


After I cooked dinner last night (which Susie didn't touch, claiming she felt "nauseous". This, after she ate two pieces of KFC chicken, mashed potatoes, macaroni and cheese and green beans for lunch, while I had a bagel and yogurt. No wonder she was nauseous), we watched several things on television that I never thought I'd watch.

First, we watched "Charlie's Angels" the movie. I had no interest in watching it and we were only checking it out until something better came on. So I didn't really bother following the plot at first and didn't really get the whole gist of the film. It wasn't bad, but it wasn't great. I give it a C. Susie grew up watching the TV show and loved it, while I lived in Europe at the time and was more into vintage reruns of "I Love Lucy" dubbed in Greek because that's the only g-damned show we had over there at the time. To say Greek television in the 1970s was "lacking" is a sore understatement.

Then...I can't believe I did this and can't believe I'm admitting it in print ... I actually watched an episode of TLC's "Trading Spaces".

I am now officially ... a complete and utter wuss.

For those of you who've never watched the show, lemme explain the premise.

Two couples who live next door to each other each take over the other couple's house for a weekend and completely redecorate one drab room in the house. Usually a kitchen, den or living room. Very rarely do you see a utility room or half bathroom redecorated.

They're given a budget of $1,000 to do the redecorating and assigned an extremely annoying interior decorator who comes up with all the decisions for the redecorating. The only input that the couples have is they're the ones doing the redecorating. They're the workhorses, the slaves, the carpenters without a clue.

The show sucked me in early on with one small fact ... one of the ladies did NOT want her room decorated in ANY type of Asian decor. That was her only request.

So what did the decorator come up with???

...An Asian decor.

The neighbor lady freaked out. She told the decorator that her friend was open to ANYTHING but Asian decor.

The decorator scoffed at this and said that by the end of the 48 hours, everyone would recognize her for the decorating genius that she thought she was. She assured the nervous neighbor lady that everything was going to be fine.

Neighbor lady had her doubts. Very serious doubts. That she very loudly voiced.

I hunkered down in my chair. This looked like it could get interesting. There might even be a little bloodshed on The Learning Channel and for once it wouldn't come from that nauseating "Maternity Ward" show.

So the respective neighbors are decorating their friend's rooms...one a living room, the other a family room. At one point, this INSANE decorator decides she's going to spray paint the family's furniture hot pink.

Read it again...she's spray painting the family's furniture hot pink.

Read it one more time ... she's SPRAY PAINTING the family's FURNITURE HOT PINK.

I'm an even-tempered guy. But if I came home and found my recliner spray painted hot pink ... well ... somebody would have to surgically remove my foot from an obnoxious interior decorator's rectum.

As it turns out ... NOBODY thought this was a good idea except the interior decorator. Who then...after spray painting the family's furniture HOT PINK ... took the furniture outside overnight to dry.

...where it rained. Heavily. On the furniture.

The next day, the interior decorator is "shocked" to see a backyard full of ruined, wet, paint-stained furniture. She HAD to have had this in mind ... the show took place in Seattle where it rains six days out of the week. So she was allowed to go over the $1,000 budget and go buy this family new furniture.

She found them two sofas for $500.

Read that again ...TWO SOFAS FOR $500.

To a college student, that might sound like the Playboy Mansion. But lemme tell you ... if some crackpot interior decorator ruined my furniture and replaced it with two $250 sofas ... I'd have trouble walking because BOTH of my feet would be stuck up that interior decorator's ass and she'd be dragging me around like a 6'2" white talking turd stapled to her ass.

A $250 sofa is probably about as comfortable as a catheter in your urethra. I wouldn't know because I've never actually seen a sofa that damned cheap.

Everyone on this show was in a foul mood. The couples KNEW their friends weren't going to like what was going on in their homes, one guy who is like the show's carpenter was snippy as hell, even the show's host got ugly at times.

Meanwhile, the other couple who were the recipients of this spanking new painful furniture were turning their friend's family room into a three ring circus. The walls were now covered in fabric which came from the center of the ceiling and draped to the floor. It looked like an Egyptian whorehouse ran by monkeys. It was, without a doubt, the ugliest goddamned room I've ever seen in my life.

At the end of the show, the couples are taken into their new rooms with their hands over their eyes and the host shows them their new redecorated rooms. Both rooms looked like decorative train wrecks. I could go into descriptions of the rooms, but it would pain you to read them. Suffice to say, both rooms looked better all drab and plain.

The first couple saw their room and kept saying "Oh my God!" and not in a good way. The host would say "How do you like (this)?" and the lady would look at whatever the host was pointing out and say "I don't like it."

I was squealing with delight in my drab blue recliner. BOO-YAHHH! IN YOUR DECORATING FACE!!

They switch over to the other couple, whose room no longer has walls, but has ugly drapes everywhere. They remove their hands from their eyes and try to act like they like it, but you can tell they both just hope this is all a bad dream and they don't really live in an Egyptian whorehouse.

Sorry, you morons. This ain't a dream. Welcome to hell.

These people USED to throw big parties in this room. They'll still throw big parties, but now they'll be orgies. Because the room just looked like a slut parlor. Nobody in their right mind would try to entertain people in this room now. There'd be too much snickering going on to concentrate on the party at hand.

I got the feeling very quickly that these "interior decorators" were actually escaped asylum patients who usually decorated rooms with fresh feces splattered on the walls. Because these idiots had the decorating talents of a cow.

That was one insane show.

No wonder the wife likes it so much.

It's kind of a sophisticated "America's Funniest Home Videos". Except instead of people getting hit in the nuts with baseball bats for an hour, you get to watch their homes be destroyed by crazy interior decorators.

Count me as a new fan.

Watch "Trading Spaces" on TLC.

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