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5:25 a.m. - 2002-04-04

I'M GONNA HUFF AND PUFF AND BLOW THAT WALLPAPER OFF YOUR WALLS

There's this little song...I've heard it in movies and around Christmas time...it goes something like this...

"HALLELUJAH! HALLELUJAH! HALLELUJAH, HALLELUJAH, HALLEEEEEEEE....LUJAH!!!"

I think it's called "Party Hard" or something.

Anyway...the real estate agent came over last night. She will heretofore be known as "Kelly" for purposes that keep me from typing "the real estate agent" every time I refer to her, which gets old really quick.

So Kelly comes over and rather than vomiting uncontrollably in our home, she kept talking about how "cute" it is.

Keep in mind, Kelly is a typical Southern woman who talks about two things ... God and cute things. It's annoying after a while ... if she had said "You just have to pray that you sell this house" one more time, I was on the verge of punching her hard in the temple and knocking her brain back in place.

She "promised" us that she would be able to sell our house. No ifs, ands or buts. It's sold, baby.

She "promised" us that by the end of July, we will be living in our brand new home.

She "promised" us that we don't need to change the wallpaper in our main bathroom.

Okay...a back story...

The wallpaper in our main bathroom is approximately 30 years old. No lie. At one point a few years ago, we were going to re-wallpaper the bathroom. We still have the wallpaper that we bought specifically to do it. For one reason or another, we didn't do it.

This wallpaper looks like something Marcia, Jan and Cindy would have in their bedroom. It's hideous. It's the one thing people comment on when they come to visit us.

The usual comment being something along the lines of "Jesus Christ...who's your interior decorator...Liza Minelli?"

Actually, nobody has ever said that. I was just adding that for comic relief, but I was trying to think of a famous female that is generally regarded as being somewhat retarded and Liza Minelli is the only person who could even come close to meeting that criteria.

Ooooo...I could have went with Brett Butler, but I think I like Liza better.

Not literally. I can't stand Liza really. But I like the idea of her being more retarded than Brett Butler.

Anyway...

Against my better judgement, I am now going to post a photo of that wallpaper.

I am only doing this because I have been assured that I will only be the ashamed owner of this wallpaper for another four months tops. I can now stand atop a chair and scream "My house is ugly, but it's okay because I'm moving into a much nicer home in four months!!!"

So here you go.

Remember...it's UGLY. So some of you may want to shield your eyes or have a barf bag handy.

Uncle Bob assumes no responsibility for mental trauma resulting from looking at this picture.

As with a total eclipse, it is recommended that you poke a hole in a shoebox and look through that to view the picture.

Remember ... it's UGLY.

There is a chance it could shut down your computer upon viewing and your entire system collapse.

This picture has been known to generate computer viruses.

Do not taunt my wallpaper.

Here you go.

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Please...do not scream. If you are lucky, one scroll of the window will make the picture disappear forever.

Anyway...Kelly said that the ONLY thing we need to change in the house is that the hallway needs a fresh coat of paint.

That's it.

I'm flabbergasted. Shocked. Able to leap tall buildings in a single bound.

So this weekend, we paint the hallway. It certainly doesn't seem like much, but I'm sure it will take a while.

I'm so relieved that part of the process is over with. Now we have one of those gimpy boxes on our front door that allows any realtor in the city to come in.

The house OFFICIALLY goes on the market on Monday. So we need to get the hallway freshly painted and the guest bedroom's clutter out of the house since that's the one room that we didn't have time to attack over the last two weeks.

Kelly predicts that the house WILL be sold by the end of May. She said if it isn't, there's something wrong with the house that we don't know about.

Hmmmm...maybe something like the ghosts of some poor tortured soul who's haunting the place that we can't see but new people to the home can?

And next week, sometime during the week, we're both going to have to take a day off from work (I don't know HOW my evil boss Wendigo is going to take that. There's a good chance she will literally try to bite my head off...she's evil, I'm 'a tellin' ya...EVIL!) and go to the Design Center and pick out every single design detail for the home.

I'm thinking plaid everything and everywhere. Plaid wallpaper. Plaid carpet. Plaid bricks and plaid kitchen counter tops and cabinets.

Plaid, plaid, plaid.

Can you tell I've been watching wayyyy too much "Trading Spaces" lately?

So yeah...I'm jazzed now. Officially jazzed. The house is clean, the realtor's given us a thumbs up...everything's cool.

We have to get rid of the dog this weekend. Even Kelly said that it's best in order to sell the home.

My in-laws haven't completely moved into their home yet though. They're the only people I know who take upwards of two weeks to move into a new home. They've moved....ummmm...I can remember five times in the 14 years I've known them. Possibly six, but I may be hallucinating that sixth time because I was pretty strung out early on in the relationship.

But Grandma swears she'll be all moved in this weekend and then we take Maggie up there and after 12 long years, we give her one more swift kick in the stank ass and take off, leaving her crying and wondering what she could have possibly done wrong to be so unceremoniously dumped from the family.

She knows something's up. Susie mentioned that last night. And right now, the dog is laying by the front window, staring at me and wondering what the hell we have in store for her.

Heh.

Spending the rest of your life with the in-laws, dog.

Can dogs successfully pull off suicide?

I guess we'll find out soon.


Oh.

The Army list thing.

I know it hasn't been updated in a few weeks, and I apologize. What with travelling, days off, being backed up at work and other things, I haven't had a chance to update it in a few weeks.

I will be updating it next Monday. Promise. If not before.

Sorry if this has caused anyone some undue stress.

(Not really).

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