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5:25 a.m. - 2002-04-05

I AM THE CROUCHING TIGER KUNG FU MASTER

Okay...I don't exactly DREAD this weekend because it's un-American to dread weekends ... but man...I'm NOT looking forward to it.

Here's my agenda...these are things I HAVE to do.

1) Go out to dinner tonight with the evil boss Wendigo and her husband, Dr. Eric since it's Parent's Night Out and we have someone foolish enough to watch Andrew all night. Not that I HAVE to do this, but we did make reservations and as evil as the boss can be, she IS a lot of fun to go out with, as is her hubby and we haven't gone out with them ....hmmmmmm...in ages. I'm not even sure the four of us have ever gone out together. Big groups...yeah, sure, right. But I don't know if we've ever had a double date. Anyway....that's the only fun part of the weekend planned.

2) Tomorrow...write my Ed recap and make it extra crispy snarky.

3) Paint the hallways while trying to keep the baby occupied so he doesn't charge straight into a freshly painted wall and cover himself in eggshell white, inhaling whatever chunks of lead that may be included in the paint, thus killing himself. Because frankly, we're trying to sell the house and I just don't have the time to attend my son's funeral for gulping down lead-based paint.

4) Plant flowers and spread pine needles amongst the bushes out front to make the house look "more inviting" according to Kelly. What? The upside-down crucifixes on the front door don't do the trick? It works for Ozzy.

5) Do an exceptionally thorough job of yard work including the scoopage of dog feces.

6) Clean house. It's already clean, but I'm talking dusting, vacuuming, organizing....actual, honest-to-God cleaning.

7) Find time to take the dog to the in-laws, say our goodbyes and unceremoniously leave her there without getting suckered into staying there and helping them unload boxes from a moving truck while listening to Grandma complain that she's too old and too out of shape to have to keep moving every few years when she gets tired of paying rent and skips out on her landlord, changing her name to something like Alice Cooper or something.

8) Pack up our "clutter room", the third bedroom in our home and cart everything over to our storage unit while Susie stares at a box of photos and remembers the good old days when we both had bodies worth looking at naked.

Now...what I'd LIKE to do...

1) Sleep.

2) Go to our new subdivision's community wide yard sale, not to buy anything but to see some of our new neighbors and get a better vibe for the place.

3) I dunno...ummmm...maybe some sex?? Then again, it's been so long for me, I probably forgot what goes where and would end up dry humping her ear or something.

4) Watch a "Trading Spaces" marathon or something.

So anyway...long weekend ahead. May not be an update tomorrow. May be. We'll see.


Gawd.

Work.

I think I mentioned one of my interviews in Boise with a guy who barely spoke above a whisper.

So yesterday, I finally make it to his interview being the next in line to be transcribed.

I dreaded it, but thought "Hey...maybe this tape recorder picked it all up and it won't be a problem hearing him."

I swear to GOD ON A STACK OF BIBLES...at times you can hear the air conditioning over his voice.

I want to call him up now and yell at him and tell him that he's a soft speaker and that's JUST NOT RIGHT!!!

I want to tell him that his story is going to suck because he spoke like a shy little girl. Then I want to insult his manhood some more, including several references to the size of his teeny weenie then maybe finish by making up a nonsense insult like "Chicken Barb Wire Boy" or something and slam the phone down on him.

I swear...I spent three hours yesterday afternoon rewinding and listening to portions of his tape in order to get mere snippets of the conversation that I may be able to use.

It probably pissed me off more than it should have. I guess because I've got so much work on my plate right now and am trying to move on it at a swift pace and then I hit a roadblock like this one which shuts me down for an indefinite amount of time.

The damndest thing is...after the interview was done and the tape recorder was shut off, he got much more animated and louder. On the tape, you hear me tell him to please speak up and you can hear the tape recorder being shoved closer and closer to him. And he speaks up for a sentence or two and I scramble to get it typed out, then he sinks right back into his chicken barb wire boy voice.

I think he wanted to come across as a serious, quiet businessman for the tape recorder.

Dude...it's a $30 Radio Shack special...not a camera for 60 Minutes. Chill out and speak up.

Grrrrrrrrr....


Got home last night and there's an honest-to-God "For Sale" sign in the front yard.

It was kinda surreal. To think that a month ago we weren't even thinking about selling the house and now it's for sale.

Hell...we've already signed the contract for a new home. That's surreal as well.

So I pull into the driveway and Nosy Assed Neighbor is in her back yard, literally ten feet from the car.

I get out of the car.

"How're you doing," I say with my fake smile plastered across my face because even though she is one of the many banes of my existence, I'm a nice guy in person and try to get along with everyone even when they're a complete asshole.

What does she say???

Nothing.

She turned around and walked back in her house. Looked right at me, listened to me say "How're you doing?" and walked right back into her house.

I'm tellin' ya...it took every ounce of willpower I have to not get all Matrix on her and start doing some Crouching Tiger kung fu shit on her.

And DON'T think that I can't do Crouching Tiger Kung Fu. Dude...I am the Crouching Tiger Kung Fu Master. I can do my hands like eagle claws and raise myself up in the air and do all those fancy kicks and everything.

I'm lethal, baby. Hands of steel, right here.

Hi-yaaaaa indeed.

I told Susie about it and Susie has had her own run-ins with the woman in the last week. We both think she's kinda pissed because we're moving. A few years ago, she told us that we could "never" move because she liked us as neighbors or some crazy shit like that.

Then, yesterday when she saw the sign go up in the front yard, she snapped and realized that we were really moving and the chances were very high that she would get some undesirable neighbors soon because the neighborhood is getting nothing but undesirable people moving in.

For instance...the new family that lives directly behind us. They've lived there about a year. They have three large dogs who howl all night. They have YET to mow their yard and have weeds up to your knees in their back yard. The privacy fence is rotting away and they're just propping up the dead wood against the original frame. They have a pool table on their back patio and it's a general mess.

That's the kind of neighborhood that we live in now. Thirteen years ago when we moved in, it was one of THE neighborhoods to move into.

Now, it's a hell hole.

And Nosy Assed Neighbor refuses to move because her house is paid for.

Yet we have gang members, white trash and undesirable rednecks moving in left and right.

That's fine NAN. You stay here.

The rest of us with a semblance of intelligence left are hauling ass.

Eat my dust, neighbor.


Alright...time to do something constructive.

Have a great Friday!

Whooooohooooooo!!!

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