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5:13 a.m. - 2002-04-08

FINALLY...I'M AN OFFICIAL REDNECK

I did yard work for five straight hours yesterday, from noon until 5 p.m.

The back of my neck is currently on fire. I have an ice pack on it, but the sunburn is already beginning to blister.

Technically, when being outside for that long a period, it is wise to apply sunscreen or even tanning lotion to all exposed body parts to avoid having your g-damned neck blister up like a burn victim.

Technically, I'm a dumbass and thought "Pschaw! My neck could use a little color!"

Yeah, pal...but not BEET red.

So...I'm 'a hurtin'.

But there's no use in complaining here. I'll do plenty of that at work today.


This was a weekend of severe house chores. I use the word "severe" to describe what normaly people typically do around the house each week. But we're talking about my wife and I, a couple who spend all of Saturday mornings watching the Game Show Network, followed by a long nap, then grocery shopping and finally an evening of "Trading Spaces" before going to bed.

Friday night, we went out with the evil boss Wendigo and her hubby, the Dr. Eric. We went to this place called The Olive Room which is one of their favorite hangouts, and a place that Susie and I had thought about going to, but it's not the type of place you bring a rambunctious 17 month-old kid.

Man. Did we ever love this place. It makes you wish your child became equipped with a built-in baby sitter every night so you can just leave him at home and go eat a delicious meal in a quiet, swanky atmosphere.

I got a bit tipsy. I had two beers, a ummmm...I don't remember the name of the martini...."Fallen Angel"?? Something like that. I shared two of those with the Mrs. And some Fess Parker wine that Dr. Eric purchased. I'm not much of a wine drinker and the first sip I took threatened to leave my face in a permanent pucker. But after that, the wine and I got along fine.

By the end of the night, I was sufficiently giggly. I guess I'm back to my social drinker stage rather than my non-drinker phase that I've been in for two years.

We then had the BIGGEST Filet Mignons you'll ever hold in your fist. Jesus God almighty, these things were bigger than most Japanese automobiles. For the first time in history, I was the last one finished with my meal. I'm not sure how that happened because normally I just swallow my food before chewing it as I am one big slothful creature.

But we had a great time. The evil boss Wendigo kept her evilness in check and Dr. Eric always has such interesting tales to tell. I've always answered the question "If you could have three people past or present to attend a dinner party with, who would you pick?" with "The evil boss Wendigo, her hubby Dr. Eric and a busboy". And Friday night, even the busboy was pleasant.

A great meal, and a great time.

Saturday, we got up and went to the community yard sale in our new community.

It sucked. I went with the sole purpose of making new friends in the neighborhood. But the only people holding yard sales were surly and had no sense of humor.

I mean...c'mon. Like I REALLY wanted to buy that guy's 15 year-old daughter for sexual purposes. It's called a joke, pal. Look it up. Sheesh. Mr. Serious holds a yard sale.

We then went to Walmart, putting off the inevitable never-ending chores at home.

Finally, we came home and began painting. Which proved to be harder than we thought it would be because Andrew gets some sort of perverse thrill out of touching freshly painted walls and then running off to touch the furniture with his freshly painted hands before the paint dries.

So we decided it was time for a little Infant's Tylenol. We watched the kid wind down until he passed out on the floor of the den and then put him in his crib for a four hour nap, giving us ample time to put two coats of paint on the walls and get most of the trim work done.

We rawked.

Saturday night, I cooked dinner...grilled teriyaki chicken breasts, baked potatoes, grilled squash and corn nuggets which were better than they sound.

Sunday, we got up and I wrote 99% of Ed for TWoP without saving it.

Just as I get ready to finish it....BLAMMO. The power goes out.

I do believe I cursed everyone from Thomas Edison to Bill Gates over that one, conveniently forgetting to blame myself for this disaster.

So once the power came back on, I did everything in my power to get my document back to where it was when the power went off to no avail.

Even Miss Cleo couldn't help me out. She just kept saying "How does Miss Cleeeeo know what you jes' typed, Mon?"

...g-damned Jamaican freak...

JAMAICAN ME MAD, MISS CLEO!! JAMAICAN ME MAAAAD!

We stopped for a few short minutes to go to church for meetings at 9:30 in the morning. I had to go in for the sole purpose of keeping a meeting moving, because the people in the committee are slow as molasses when it comes to making a decision, so I make all the decisions for them.

"What do we want to name this brochure?" the old guy said.

"Welcome to our church," I blurted out. "Next order of business, please."

This goes on like this for 30 minutes before I excuse myself, track down my wife and son and we hightail it back home to get our work done.

I finished "Ed" at noon and turned that in.

Then all that yardwork that left my neck as red as a lobster. But my yard looks better than it ever has in 12 years this morning.

Vacuuming.

Sweeping.

Folding clothes.

Picking up toys.

Washing dishes.

Taking paint supplies out to storage shed.

Taking garbage to the curb.

It's done.

Today, the house is officially on the market.

Today, realtors start walking through my home while I'm not here, looking for cobwebs and holes in walls.

They won't find any.

This house is IMMACULATE.

We busted our ass all weekend to make sure of that.

Now...LET'S SELL!!!!

Sorry...I'm all peppy this morning now that the weekend is over.

I get to go to work and sit in a quiet office for eight hours and write stories about construction companies and heart clinics.

I never thought I'd say this about such a task but "WHEEEEEE!!!"

At least I won't pull muscles in my lower back writing about a heart clinic.

I hope not anyway.

I'm done here. I've got a few more things to do to get this house in shape.

Peace out.

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