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5:38 a.m. - 2002-04-10

THE MIRROR HAS TWO FACES. AND ONE OF THOSE HAS BOOGERS

Went to Applebee's last night for our anniversary dinner. I know, I know...it's one step past IHOP.

Service was terrible. It took 35 minutes for our food to get to our table after we ordered it and when it came out, it looked like it had been sitting under a heat lamp for the last 20 minutes. I ordered a Bourbon Street Steak which used to sizzle on the skillet when they brought it out. It just laid there quietly. It was warm ... not sizzling.

Still...we got back at the restaurant for bad service. Muahahahahahahhaaaa!! Did we ever get back at them!!!

...Andrew ate their crayons.

The kid is hooked on crayons these days. He knows he's supposed to draw or "color" with them. And he does that for about 15 seconds when you hand them to him.

Then, he discretely starts eating them. He knows how to do it without getting caught. He brings the crayon to his lips and tries to look like he's thinking and just using the crayon as an object to prop his lips open or something.

But when he smiles and his teeth produce a rainbow effect, it's pretty obvious he's been gnawing on them like a rat on a bag of sugar.

So after dinner, we walked around the mall a bit, looking at stuff for our new home.

I never had much appreciation for the store "Kirklands" before, but they've got a lot of crap that can make a new home look somewhat elegant at decent prices.

Like big mirrors. I don't know much about mirrors, but I do know that the bigger they are, the nicer your house looks.

I'm not a big fan of mirrors. I use one in the morning to make sure my hair looks halfway decent (it never does...I have a permanent cowlick where my part should be). And I use the rearview mirror in the car to make sure my nose is free of boogers as I get close to work.

And that's really about it as far as my relationship with mirrors. But from looking at various houses, I've learned that bigger equals better in the mirror department. And Kirklands has one mirror that they call their "Big-Assed Mirror" for $599.

That's the mirror for me. This thing's so huge you can literally see into the future.

I'm getting that mirror.

Yep.

I am.


Andrew's other latest discovery is unplugging things.

I think he gets this from my sister who is obsessive compulsive. She has to check appliances several times before leaving the house each morning to make sure everything's unplugged.

Andrew is obsessed with keeping the television in my computer room unplugged.

He'll walk out here and I'm all like "Hey buddy!" and he's all like "That television isn't plugged in, is it?"

Then he walks over to the TV, reaches behind there and slowly pulls the plug out with his little fingers just millimeters away from the metal prong that's still in the wall.

Naturally, I freak out every time. I'm not sure what would happen if he gets electrocuted. Would his baby body withstand the current flowing through him?

When I was a kid...and this is a true story...not like the stories I make up on a regular basis to impress or piss you guys off...my dad used to build our homes for us.

That's what he was into...building homes. It was a hobby to him and he was really pretty damned good at it. I'm sure that he had help and hired people to dig and pour concrete and various other things. But I remember Mom taking us to watch him work, and he'd be nailing the frame of the house up or laying down pipe for the plumbing.

Anyway, when it came time to put the electrical wiring, Dad would use me to test to see if the current was flowing.

For some reason, he'd have me touch wires and if they were live, I'd say I felt a "tingle". He would then touch it and it would knock him on his ass.

I became like a party trick for him. His buddies would stop by while he was building the homes and he'd make me touch live wires and then have his friends touch them. Always the same effect...his friends would be knocked silly while I stood there holding a live wire in my hand and feeling my body tingle.

I was about 6 or 7 at the time. I remember it pretty well.

Anyway...I'm hoping Andrew inherited my tolerance for taking high voltage through his system.

If not, I'm going to have one burned up baby on my hands in the next few days. Because the kid won't stop unplugging stuff.

And you people with no kids are probably thinking "Just watch him! Keep an eye on the kid!"

And you people WITH kids know...heh...that's damned near impossible.

Kids are funny. There's no way in hell you can watch their every move. They're just too damned fast. You can sit there and concentrate completely on them. Then, you sneeze and the next thing you know they're submerged head first in the toilet.

The other day, we were working in the yard. Susie was planting flowers and Andrew was with her, just playing with his ball and having a blast.

The next thing we knew...he was coughing up dirt.

The kid had been eating dirt. She took her eyes off him for about 15 seconds, which was apparently enough time for him to enjoy a dirt buffet.

Granted, you can't see the dirt very well here, but trust me ... it was all over his face.

Okay.

There's another picture that shows the dirt a bit better...but he really looks retarded in the picture.

I'll share it with you, but keep in mind...my boy's not retarded. Just because he looks retarded, eats dirt and crayons and likes to shock himself with electric currents, he's NOT retarded.

Just last night, we asked him "Where's your ball?" and he went apeshit until he could produce a ball. It wasn't the ball that we wanted him to produce, but it was a small round object and that was close enough.

Alright. it was a shoe. But dammit...the kid couldn't find his ball and thought a shoe was the next best thing.

He's NOT retarded.

...But here's a picture that would make you think otherwise.

God.

I'm so ashamed of that photo. I don't know why I shared it with you guys.

Yes I do.

Because I'm still a proud daddy.

Even when I'm beginning to think my son has the IQ of a kumquat.


Nobody came to look at our house yesterday.

That depressed me. It didn't rain like Mr. Weather Guy said it would, so it would have been a perfect day to check my house out.

But nobody did.

I'm never going to get out of this house. Two days on the market and we haven't even had a bite.

(sigh)


I can't think of much else to tell ya's, and my hands are beginning to cramp up.

I'm tired all the time now. But I'm not going to blame it on Daylight Savings Time. That has nothing to do with it.

It might help if I started taking my diabetes medicine again.

Speaking of which, I need to check my blood sugar.

Yikes!

154!

It should be around 110.

That's NOT good.

But it would explain why I'm so tired.

Alright. Okay. Anyway, I'm done here.

Peace out.

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