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5:08 a.m. - 2002-05-01

I THINK I SAW MY NEIGHBOR'S ASS ON ROTTEN.COM

First off, thanks to everyone who emailed me to say "Hey Uncle Bob...I've got the mad skillz and talents to design a template that will rock those argyle socks off your feet and turn this new supercool diary of yours into the greatest thing to ever hit the Internet."

...or words to that effect.

I will say that I've gotten 12 people who've stepped up to the plate and agreed to design a template, so in fairness to them, I'm no longer accepting applications for template designs for what will soon be known as the world's greatest website.

Or maybe the biggest suck ass website ever.

We'll see...


I think Nosy Assed Neighbor has figured out that I'm on the verge of stabbing her repeatedly in the neck with a rusty fork and tossing her body in a nearby ditch and not really caring if the authorities trace it back to me because I'd rather rot away in prison, being the entire prison's sex toy bitch than have to listen to one more nagging comment escape from her whiny, ignorant ass.

The whole culprit behind her newfound interest in our life is Andrew. Every day when he gets home from daycare, he makes a beeline to the back yard where the Nosy Assed Dogs have to bark and howl at him nonstop as he throws his ball around the yard or pushes his push toys around. The Nosy Assed Dogs lure Nosy Assed Neighbor out from under the giant rock that she ferments under inside her home and she has to come to her backyard to watch Andrew and try to talk to us over the constant shrill barking of her dogs.

Last night I MIGHT have said three things to her.

I said "One shoe on, one shoe off" when describing Andrew's foot apparel to NAN who asked what he was wearing on his feet. Andrew hates shoes and takes them off whenever he can. We couldn't find his other shoe last night when he got home (for those of you panicking and wringing your hands with worry...the shoe was still in the van), so that's how he was walking around.

I said "Yep" when she asked me if Susie was home.

And I said "I don't think so because she hates your fucking guts" when she asked if Susie would be coming outside.

Okay...not really. Luckily, Susie came out and began watering plants and relieved me from the burden of having to be the woman's soundboard.

Susie's tired of her too now, which is funny because they've been friendly over-the-fence neighbors for years.

Susie watered plants the whole time while NAN blabbed on and on about how she had went looking at houses yesterday. Two months ago, Susie would have stopped watering plants and acted interested in her boring little stories about closet space and sycamore trees. Now Susie just does her work and says "uh huh. uh huh. uh huh" like I do when she talks to me.

The gal is catching on.

I came inside with Andrew and we were playing with his cars on the floor together. After about 15 minutes of playing, I got up, went outside and yelled at Susie to come inside, that I was trying to cook dinner and Andrew was being clingy and whiny and was hampering my dinner preparations.

Susie told NAN goodbye and came inside to take care of Andrew who was playing peacefully on the floor by himself.

"I thought he was being clingy and whiny," she said.

"I thought you were tired of listening to NAN for 15 minutes straight," I countered.

"Touche," she said. "Thanks."

I then fixed Fiesta chicken, mashed potatoes, corn on the cob and cajun bread.

Cajun bread is my own recipe. It's like garlic bread...I take a French loaf of bread, slice it thin, butter each slice and instead of garlic salt, I put cajun spices on the bread.

Last night was the first time I've made it.

It was also the last.

Hoooo boy. That shit sucked ass.

Trust yer old Uncle Bobby here.


We tried to watch that Bob Hope Bloopers Special last night.

For some strange reason, I really wish I could find a current photo of Bob Hope naked on the web.

Not that I've tried to find one. I've never done a search for it or anything. I have a feeling if I went to Google and typed in "Current Nude Bob Hope Photos" in there, I'd have people from the local mental institution banging down my door with a straightjacket and an oversized butterfly net to catch me.

But the guy's like 99 years old now. He's feeble and about as bright as coal now.

The few recent photos we've seen of him were from a few years ago when he waved from a hospital window after having his rectum sewn up or something. I don't remember what he was in for, but it was something equally embarrassing.

Anyway, I just want to know what a nude 99 year old celebrity's body would look like.

Forget about Jennifer Love Hewitt and Pamala Anderson.

Give me Hope or give me Death.

Preferably Hope near death.

That's what I want to see.

I guess I could always venture into Rotten.com.

If anyone would have it, they would.

Actually, and this is no lie...I can't go to Rotten.com.

It's not like I've been banned from there or anything. You'd have to be one twisted fuck for rotten.com to deny you access to their site.

I just can't look at anything there. I don't have the stomach for it.

A buddy of mine was telling me about the site the other day and said that he saw pictures where doctors were pulling a potato and something else...I wanna say it was a remote control or wireless telephone out of a guy's ass.

Seriously...who wants to see this stuff?

Worse...who's the poor bastard that had to stand there and take pictures of it while the doctors rooted around in this guys stinkhole and fished foreign objects out of there?

Even worse...who was the moron who decided "Man! I bet rotten.com would like to post these bad boys on their website!" and sent them off?

Worser still ... what kind of cast iron stomach must the guys who run that site have? I've been accused of printing some pretty sick crap on this site, but kiddies...NOTHING I have done stands up to the crap you'll find on that site.

Worser even stiller ... what kind of jackass would write a sentence like "What kind of cast iron stomach must the guys who run that site have?" My editors would have a shit fit over that sentence!

So even though I linked to the site above, I do NOT endorse it. If you think you can handle it ... hey...be my guest, Buckwheat.

I already know I don't have the guts to look at it.


Heebie Heebie!

(The sound I make when I'm excited. Similar to an alien squeal)

This Friday my mother-in-law will give us five grand!!!

Heebie Heebie!!

Finally, she will be paying off the majority of her debt so that we can pay off our debts and buy our new home!!!

I'm just so sure that this time she's not lying and that she actually does have a mysterious benefactor who will be giving her five grand for no good reason and she will then turn the money over to us to make good on her promise to pay us back for the money she stole from us to give to some guy who said he'd invest it in a multi-level marketing scam who then took OUR money and skipped town with it and is currently living in some high-rise fancy penthouse apartment in some happening city like Gulfport, Mississippi or Fayettville, Arkansas!!!

Friday!!!

Wheeeeee!!!

Heebie Heebie!!!


Yes, I've suffered a traumatic heavy blow to the skull and am currently delusional beyond normal comprehension.

What about it?


I have to take Maggie in today to get all her fur shaved off and have a growth on one of her eyelids lanced off.

We shave her every year to humiliate her in hopes that eventually she will commit doggie suicide.

So far it hasn't worked. Obviously.

But maybe one day...one day...I'll come home and there'll be a little doggie noose wrapped around the branches of the magnolia tree in the backyard.

And swinging to and fro on the branch will be....

ONE OF THE NOSY ASSED DOGS!!

Jeez people! Do you REALLY think I want my own dog dead??

You should be ashamed of yourselves!

Seriously.


Anyway...I've gotta get ready and all because I have to have her at the vet's office at 7:15.

So peace out...thanks to all those that have left Notes in the last two days. You guys are too cool.

I'm outtie.

Peace.

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