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5:04 a.m. - 2002-05-02

UNCONDITIONAL LOVE COMES WITH A PRICE TAG

Okay....

I knooooow the politically correct thing is to say "Oh how I love my little doggie."

"Oh how I'm so glad we kept her and didn't give her to my evil mother-in-law who would have abused her and let her die of a doggie heart attack during a thunderstorm in her back yard."

"Oh how she's a part of the family even though she's 12 years old, arthritic and full of tumors from her eyelids to her asshole."

"Oh she's such a good doggie even when she's snarling at my baby boy and stealing food out of his hands every chance she gets."

"Oh how she cost me $326 yesterday to get a pimple removed from her eyelid."

Three hundred. Twenty-six. Dollars.

Say it with me...three hundred. Twenty-six. Freakin' Dollars.

Two months ago, I swore I would have her put to sleep before I EVER paid more than fifty dollars for a doctor's visit again.

Yesterday, I'm standing there, shocked beyond belief when the receptionist tells me it's $326.

I pull out my Discover card and reluctantly hand it to her. She cackles with glee and runs it through. Meanwhile, the dog's scooting her ass around on the floor, trying her best to humiliate me in front of strangers.

I barely notice.

I get her in the car and I start thinking "What if this dog died tomorrow?"

I mean...I'm out $326.

I realize that's the chance you take and all when you pay medical bills ... but sonofabitch. She's 12 years old, she's not the healthiest dog in the world and could die at any time. Three hundred, twenty-six freakin' dollars.

Next time she has a growth on her eyelid, she has too choices. She can either live with it until she looks like she has a big 8 ball on her eyelid. Or she can sit still and let me snip it off with a pair of scissors.

One or the other.

But I'll be DAMNED if I'm paying $326 for her eyelid again.

Damn.

$326.

Think about everything you could buy with that kinda money.

It's a car payment. A NICE car payment.

That's two microwaves. Possibly three.

That's 10 decent dinners for two.

Three weeks worth of groceries.

A plane ticket across country.

A new computer monitor.

1,000 blank CDs.

A summer wardrobe.

A nice digital camera.

The list goes on and on.

All for a tiny growth on her eyelid.

Screw being politically correct.

Next time she gets a growth on her eyelid, I'm smothering the damned dog with a pillow.

I love the dog. I really do.

But I have a financial limit that accompanies that love. And it's currently set at $46.79.


I've learned something else out about realtors. Something other than they're all f'n scumbags.

...They can smell when you haven't vacuumed and THAT'S when they like to show your house.

Every morning, the last thing I do before leaving home is vacuum the entire house.

Yesterday, because I had to take the dog to the vet at 7:30, I didn't get a chance to vacuum.

Sure as poo-poo ... we had someone come by to look at the house.

The rest of the house was clean as a whistle. Sink empty, clothes folded, beds made, bathrooms cleaned, everything dusted.

But I hadn't vacuumed.

The floors weren't even dirty. I vacuum every day...there wasn't a speck of dirt on the floor.

...But the vacuum tracks weren't there.

As a man, I can attest...vacuum tracks are the most attractive things on God's green earth.

When you look at a freshly vacuumed carpet and see those 18-inch wide tracks all over a carpet, you KNOW you're in a clean house.

I'm sure that's one sale we WON'T get now.

So I'm torn now. I WANT to show the house, but if I vacuum, nobody will come look at it.

If I DON'T vacuum, they'll come look at the house, but won't buy it because it's not vacuumed.

This, my friends, is my dilemma.

Have I mentioned that realtors are f'n scumbags.


I was talking to my buddy yesterday about rotten.com (no link today because I'm thoroughly disgusted by the site at this point) and he said the worst thing that's on there right now is....

Seriously....this goes beyond disgusting. I haven't seen it and feel like a hypocrit, damning something I haven't seen ... but I feel in this case it's okay.

They have two pictures on the site of....a man eating a baby.

I'm not going to lead some charge against the site or anything. I believe in free speech and power of the people and all that crap.

But man.

Autopsy photos of Lisa "Lazy Eye" Lopes is one thing.

A man eating a baby is quite another.

I have a feeling I'm going to hell just talking about the damned pictures and I haven't even seen them.

UPDATE: I was just sent a link from my pal George that debunks the whole Man-eating baby myth. Check out the link and the photo that is supposed to be a baby here. I feel better already.


I had an ironic dream last night that made total sense when I woke up from it in the middle of the night.

I dreamt I owed my mom $20,000 for a new car that I didn't need.

And every time I called Mom, she bitched about wanting the money and it made me very uncomfortable.

So I was trying to determine how much I could give her each month and still hold on to our new home.

I told her I'd give her $100 a month and she said it would take me 20 years to pay that off.

So in my dream, I'm scrambling for a way to pay her back.

Then I wake up and smell the irony. I owed my Mom thousands of dollars. In reality, Susie's Mom owes us thousands of dollars. I was uncomfortable with the harassing and reminding that they needed the money. Susie's mom never calls here anymore because she knows she'll just hear Susie asking for the money.

Sometimes you can learn a lot from dreams.

And in that dream, I learned what it was like when the shoe was on the other foot.

I'm not sure if I learned an actual lesson from the dream. Or if I want to pay attention to the lesson.

But I can tell you guys...don't ever borrow or lend money to a family member that requires you taking out a loan to make the transaction work.

$10? $100??

Sure.

Anything else...just say no.

Trrrrrrrrrrrrrrust me.


That's it...I've got things to do this morning and not enough time to do them.

Rawk on wi'cha bad selves.

Peace out.

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