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6:06 a.m. - 2002-05-10

MY BUDDY WENT ON A CROSS COUNTRY CRIME SPREE BLOWING UP MAILBOXES AND ALL I GOT WAS THIS LOUSY T-SHIRT

Ahhhhhhhhhhhh....Friday.

GOT to love the Fridays.

I wish every day was Friday. Or Saturday. I wish it was Friday, then Saturday, then back to Friday, then Saturday, then maybe another Saturday, possibly one more, then back to Friday.

Man.

THAT would be the life.


Sooooooooo...Luke Helder...

Helder? He doesn't even KNOW her!!

Heh. "Held" her. Get it??

Ehh.

Soooo...Luke Duke went on a cross country jaunt and left a shitload of pipe bombs in old ladies' mailboxes.

Then, as he's being chased by the cops, he threatens suicide but doesn't do it.

He surrenders but says "Please don't tackle me". Apparently, he's one of them there girly boys who don't like to be tackled after leading police on a high speed chase and trying to blow up grandmothers.

Fine. They don't tackle him.

This makes him grin from ear to ear. He's beaten the system, dude! He blew up mailboxes ... and he didn't even get tackled!

WHOOOOHOOOOOO!!

Now, as he sits in his jail cell, he asks his mother if she thinks they'll send him to jail for this.

Uhhhhh...son. Take a look around. This ain't the Ritz Carlton. That tattooed guy in the corner with the tattered Harley shirt on? You're gonna be snackin' on his chubby as soon as Mommy leaves.

He tells cops that he was trying to make a big Smiley Face using blown-up mailboxes across America.

He managed to get the eyes made before he was caught. One of the eyes is crossed. I can't imagine how big of a smile he would have given the thing since the kid can't stop grinning himself.

His parents and priest say that young Luke doesn't understand the severity of his actions. He thinks it was all one big prank. Uh-huh. Tell that to One-Armed Granny in Iowa who has to open her beer bottles with her teeth now. I bet she finds the whole thing uproariously funny. She's probably laughing it up and slapping her knee. That is, if she still HAS a knee.

Kids...a quick reminder. If you ever decide to ditch Cancun for Spring Break and take off in your car to blow up mailboxes across the midwest in order to make a giant piece of art that you can only see on a map of America with push pins ... don't.

You're the only one who's going to find it amusing. And even then, it'll only be amusing for a little while.

I would guess you'd be chuckling all the way up to the point when you first feel the tip of Mongrel's penis enter your ass cavity for a quaint solid hour-long session of rough anal penetration. The first one of the day, mind you.

Then, as you lie in your cot at 3 a.m., literally holding your ass cheeks together to stop the bleeding and trying not to cry so you won't wake Mongrel up, making him grumpy and horny ... let's just see how funny your little prank is then.

Have fun Luke.

Hope they find you a shade of lipstick that you like.


Sorry. Years of watching "Oz" on HBO pretty much scared me straight.

Had Luke watched "Oz", I bet he'd be sitting in his dorm room right now listening to Nirvana and not taking the messages in the songs so seriously.

That's the trouble with today's youth. They spend too much time watching "The Sopranos" which glamorizes the bad side of life and not enough time watching "Oz" which shows you what happens when you decide to glamorize the bad side of life for yourself.

Damned kids today with their rock and roll music and their penchant for rippin' granny limb from limb...


I received a call last night from a scumbag realtor who said he wanted to show my house today and asked if that'd be okay.

I said "You can not only show it, but I'll let you sell it!"

I waited for a chuckle, but didn't get one. Those realtors are a tough audience.

Now ... I'll be shocked if the guy shows up. If he does, he will be the FIRST REALTOR to say he's going to come by and then actually COME BY.

I think that once we sell this house, I will be in SUCH good spirits.

I'll bet that I go out and blow me up some mailboxes! Woot! Woot!


Alright...I've gotta go clean house just in case this realtor really comes by today.

And let me just say... buying a St. Joseph's figurine in order to help sell your house is turning out to be complete bullshit.

I want my $9.99 back, please.

Peace out.

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