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5:42 a.m. - 2002-05-13

HI! WELCOME TO HELL! ERRR...I MEAN ... MY LIFE!

I just spent thirty minutes fine tuning some answers to some questions that a potential employer sent to my wife last week in order to make her look even more intelligent than she is.

The irony is...it was my dumb ass trying to make her look intelligent.

This woman is in some sad, sad shape.


So yesterday morning, I call this 24 hour emergency air conditioning service and calmly explain that it's 86 degrees in my house at 8 a.m. and I am about to spontaneously combust.

The guy says the earliest he can get here is 4:00. Well now...that's only eight hours away ... that sounds great! We'll suffer through the heat of the afternoon, fanning our crotches and generally being miserable.

We go to church and afterwards there's a big Mother's Day luncheon for all the women of the church.

We get through with that and Susie said "Let's run errands rather than go home right now. At least Lowe's is air conditioned."

So we go to Lowes, Walmart and the mall. We cruise around until Andrew's about ready to slash our throats, he's so cranky for his nap.

So we have to go home.

We get home and it's now 90 degrees in the house and smells like a gas leak is going on.

I check Andrew's diaper. Nope. No gas there.

We lay him down and put a fan in his room to circulate air.

We check the answering machine with one message.

Oh f'n great.

A realtor called who will be in the neighborhood in 15 minutes and wants to show our house.

I'm sorry...shouldn't Lucille Ball be in this skit somewhere?

The call actually came 45 minutes earlier. So if the woman DID stop by, she was greeted by a trashed house that was too hot to clean that morning, including an unmade bed, dirty clothes at the foot of that bed, a dog barking and yapping INSIDE the house (a houseshowing no-no)and children's toys everywhere.

And it was 90 degrees in the house.

Oh...and it reeked of natural gas.

So yeah...I'm SURE those people are going to buy the house. The only comfort I can take in the whole mess is that maybe they didn't walk into the house because of Maggie at the front window, acting like she was capable of tearing their legs off once they walked inside when she would have just stared at them to death if they had opened the door.


The AC guy came at 4:20 (smoke smoke) and said that we have a freon leak in the house, which is why we've had to put freon in our unit twice within the last five years and asked if I wanted to have it fixed.

I snorted loudly and said "Hell no."

He put two pounds of freon in the unit, charged me $152 and left.

It's cool in my house now and should be for the rest of my stay here.

Hallelujah.


We went out to the model home after Andrew woke up from his nap to track down our realtor.

And wouldn't you know it? She's taken yet ANOTHER weekend off.

But the lady substituting for us would "love to help us".

Great. Why hasn't my house sold yet and why haven't I been given any feedback yet on the house?

Errrrrr...I'm just a lady who lives in the neighborhood who agreed to come sit in the model home for a few hours. I'm not even a licensed realtor. When I said I'd love to help you, what I meant was I'd wear a fake smile the entire time you were in the house and make small talk about what a lovely neighborhood this is.

Yeah lady...that's what I thought. Now get outta my way before I growl and frighten you with my innate growling abilities.

I talked to my sister yesterday and she and her husband just bought a home on Saturday. They live in Hilton Head, where real estate purchases require you taking a loan out on your soul. Granted, I live in Alabama and through the little research I've done, I've found that we have the absolute cheapest real estate and homes in the country. My home would probably cost twice as much up north than it does here.

My sister's house is going to be a third less square footage in her new home (2,000 sq. ft to my nearly 3,000)and going to cost $125,000 MORE than my brand new house.

And her house was built in 1977.

She's shell-shocked. She didn't sleep at all Saturday night, worrying on how they're going to pay for this house.

Uhhhhh...her husband's an engineer for NASA. Somehow, I think they'll be able to afford it.


About 7:30 last night, we finally found the gas leak.

Andrew had turned one of the stove burners on last night. We have these metallic burner covers on the stove and had no idea that a flame was on underneath there.

Needless to say, there are now five childproof stove knobs on our stove this morning.

And one little boy who's a bit woozy from sucking down natural gas fumes all day.


Against my better judgement...here's a pic taken of me and my best friend yesterday as we walked into the church yesterday morning.

Note my hair being slightly ... hell...WAY nasty-looking in the photo. That's because of the heat in the home which was wreaking havoc with all of our hair. I forgot to use hair spray before we left and I looked like a total dweeb by the time church was out.

Anyway...here you go. Taken by my proud wife, who incidentally, was pretty jazzed with her spa gift certificate for Mother's Day. She's decided to get the Half vichy shower/half massage and a facial from there.

I would think a vichy would make her kinda bitchy.

Ha!

I'm like Dr. Seuss on crack!

Eh.

So anyway...the pic of me and my pal.

Have a great day.

(I'm the one on the left)

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