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5:17 a.m. - 2002-05-23

SUCK ASS POEMS!!!

Alright.

Remember almost a month ago when I was all "Hey you guys! I'm starting this new website and it's sooooo cool!! And...and...and...it's going to be the biggest thing since internet porn! And it's going to become the most popular website of all time!!!"

Remember that?

Well...the idea is a month old now and I'm not as enthused about it as I once was.

I doubt it will be the most popular website of all time.

But it's still pretty cool.

Today, I unveil this website.

This website that will set the world on fire.

This is not my beautiful house.

This is not my desire.

(That was a hint, dumbass)

Yes...I present to you all....

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SUCK ASS POEMS!!!

The concept is simple. This is a site for really shitty poems contributed by YOU!

That's right, it's a public diary!!

Y'see...in college I was an incredible slacker. And one semester, I took a poetry class, thinking I'd ace it, right.

...This was the same semester when I took bowling. Bowling and poetry. Christ. No wonder I'm writing coffee table books now.

Anyway, I ended up getting a D in Poetry.

A freakin' D.

And the professor let me know that she was being very lenient with that D. She gave me that rather than an F to help boost my GPA up.

The reason I got that D is because I've never truly grasped the "beauty" of poetry. I think poetry is the lamest of all art forms. I truly believe that anybody can write a poem because beauty is supposedly in the eye of the beholder. Or in a hot-assed swimsuit model. I always get the two mixed up.

Anyway...everyone needs to go there and leave a poem. And if you think "Well gee Uncle Bob...I'd like to leave a poem...but I've never written a poem in my life."

THEN THIS SITE IS FOR YOU, CHUMPY!!

Here's the rules...

A) Don't waste more than five minutes composing your poem.

B) Make sure that it doesn't make any sense.

C) It has to suck hard enough to where it would make a poetry professor cringe.

D) If you normally pride yourself on your poetry, great. But this isn't a site for your good poems. This is a site for really lame poems. Good poetry is an artform. Bad poetry is a gift.

D2) No using the site to take potshots at other Diarylanders. Because I know there's going to be a few assholes abusing the site and using it as their forum to spew hatred toward others who might read it. Uh-uh. I'll delete that shit as quickly as it goes up. Making fun of Celine Dion? Good. Making fun of somebody whose diary you don't like? Bad.

And a personal shoutout to the designer of the site...Pegasong. I received about a dozen or so great templates from all types of people who I'd be thanking right here, right now, except for one small fact that I'll be sharing with you here in a minute.

Each template was great. They really were and I appreciate everyone's hard work on them.

But the template we went with (we being me and the evil boss Wendigo...the master of suck ass poetry) was the closest to what we had both envisioned for the site.

And to me...the site wouldn't be nearly as funny without Pegasong's contribution.

So enjoy it. Leave as many suck ass poems as you'd like. Plus...hey...it gives you a chance to pimp that diary of yours too.


My computer at work crashed on me yesterday.

The hard drive is shot.

All my emails lost, so I can't remember everyone who contributed a template. I remember a few of you but I don't want to mention you and not the others, y'know?

Naturally, this is the least of my worries right now. I lost EVERYTHING off of my work computer. Granted, a lot of it I could do without and that's fine. But there was some work-related stuff there that I needed.

Gone.

Why?

Ohhhhhh...because I get about a dozen viruses and worms a day on the damned thing.

I can now spot a diseased email from a mile away. If it has an attachment and isn't from a client, it gets deleted. If it's an email from someone I've never heard of who's found a "fun game that I should try"...deleted.

But somehow, one of those bastards got past me and fried my hard drive.

So now, I'm working at my evil boss Wendigo's desk until she gets back from a small vacation next week. Hopefully by then, I will have gotten a new hard drive in and stuck in my machine.

God.

That sucked, bucko.


Speaking of "sucked"...did anyone catch "Celebrity Boxing 2" on Fox last night??

Call me a sucker for things that really suck, but I was giggling with glee watching this crap.

Well...I say that. There was very little boxing going on in the ring. Just former celebrities dancing around for three minutes.

Here comes my thoughts with spoilers included. So if you taped the show and haven't watched it yet....you're a freakin' loser. I mean seriously...who the hell tapes Celebrity Boxing? Give up?? ....Losers like YOU.

I can't believe Olga Korbut got her ass kicked by Darva Conger. Then again...Olga is a 47 year-old grandmother who's 5 feet tall and right at 100 lbs. I'm pretty sure my son could kick her ass. Still it was fun watching Granny take rabbit punches to the head.

Screech annihilated Horshack. No big surprise there. Screech is really a ghetto bastard. Horshack's a withered old man. When they showed Horshack before the match without his shirt on, trying to look tough...my God....that was the funniest that man has ever been. His hair was white, his chest sunken, his arms like pipe cleaners ....yet he had this wild-eyed stare that just said "I'll kick your ass....if you promise to wear a blindfold, we hogtie you and you bruise easily."

William "Refrigerator" Perry and Manute Bol? I've never watched a basketball game in my life, so this Bol guy scared the bejeezus outta me. Seven feet seven inches tall. Weighed about 120 lbs. The guy turned sideways a couple of times and nobody could find him. Of course he won. Was there ever any question?? Fridge weighed over 400 lbs and was winded just walking to the ring. It's amazing he got through with the match without having a heart attack. I think there may have been three punches thrown in this match. Total snooze-fest.

Then Joey Buttafuoco against Joanie "Formerly Chyna from the WWF" Laurer. You know your career sucks when you have to be introduced with a "Formerly" tag attached to it permanently. I'm sure she goes to family reunions and has to introduce herself as "Formerly Chyna...blah blah blah". Joey looked like he beefed up a bit in prison. Naturally, Joey won. I don't care how muscular Chyna is or was...it's hard to stand toe to toe with a 250 lb ex con with a bad attitude toward women. Personally...this one tainted the whole show with a heavy dose of sleaze. Watching a man pummel a woman...even if you want to call it a "sport"...was still kinda...sleazy. Plus...Joey wasn't content on just boxing. He grabbed her by the head and threw her down on the mat once and got a round of boo's from the audience. By the end of the match, he was beating the hell outta her and she wasn't hardly fighting back. Jeez Joe...got a little pent-up anger in there anywhere?

Yep. Fox does it again. They lower the quality of television programming another notch with last night's show.


I've got more stuff to complain about, but no time. Go write a Suck Ass Poem. I need a laugh.

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