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6:30 a.m. - 2002-05-29

THIS DIAPER IS BROUGHT TO YOU IN LIVING COLOR

I've got to stay home with the baby today.

His stomach virus is still churning out some of the most bizarre things you'll ever see in a diaper. Yesterday, amongst the chunks of what looked like chicken nuggets laid what I would have SWORN was the head off a GI Joe doll from the mid 60s.

And since daycare won't accept children with fevers and diarrhea (he has both), someone has to stay home with him.

Susie stayed home with him yesterday. She would stay home with him today, but she has two job interviews in the morning and has to go in to work this afternoon after missing the last two days.

And even though she asked her mother to watch him and she said that she couldn't, I shot the idea down anyway. It's more than coincidence that every single f'n time that woman watches Andrew, he winds up getting sick the next day. I'm not sure how or why, but I'm tired of it.

So I have to take a sick day today to stay home with him.

Yay.


We had to go back to the Design Center yesterday to divulge all of the upgrades that we want done to our new home.

I got my marble shower (!!!). It will now be a five foot long shower, with shower heads on both ends, clear glass doors, gold plated with a bench inside, recessed lighting overhead and speakers in the ceiling above.

I will be the cleanest bastard you'll ever meet because every shower I take will last for hours. I'll come home from work each day, get in the shower and stay there until it's time to go back to work the next day.

Being five foot long, this should provide ample space for my enormous penis.

Sorry. I'm old school. You KNEW I'd have to throw a penis gag in there somewhere.

Penis gag. No pun intended.

Christ.

I'm one witty, witty bitch today.


Also got my jacuzzi tub. So when I get bored with the shower, I can get in my oversized garden tub, turn the jacuzzi on and let Calgon whisk my worries away.

Also...I hear those little jet streams are awesome to hump.

Which should give Andrew plenty of reason to bathe often. Because this kid has taken baby humping to a whole new level.

He is now humping anything and everything. He humps his toys. His books. Pillows. The dog.

He loves to hump my head. If I get on the floor with him, this huge grin creeps across his face and before I know it, his diapered crotch is resting comfortably on my skull. No movement. Just...there.

I'm not really sure if we should be disciplining him for this or not. He's 18 months old. All he knows is that it feels good for things to be resting under his crotch. He doesn't know it's socially unacceptable to hump your father's head. If he were 18 YEARS old and still doing it, well then I think it'd be a problem.

I'm hoping it's just a phase that he's going through. But this has been going on for a few months and there's very few objects left in this house that he hasn't defiled with his baby penis.

Should I be putting Tabasco sauce in his diapers or something?

Are there any parents out there who dealt with this before that can give me some pointers?

And please...no suggesting that I just rename the boy "Humpy" and just tell people that he's living up to his name. I've already suggested that to the Mrs. who shot it down.


Oh yeah...the Design Center.

Other than my shower and tub, I could give two shits what else got upgraded. I know we upgraded the lights in the house from the standard gold and brass stuff that's usually in there.

Ummmmm...that's it.


My computer at work is still down.

My new hard drive came via UPS yesterday and our resident computer guy was hard at work trying to salvage everything off my old hard drive, but I don't think he was successful.

I know he lost all my old emails.

So if you sent me an email in the last week or two asking to be shoved unceremoniously into the Uncle Bob Army, you may need to resend it because baby...that last request is gone with the wind.

I also lost all of your addresses, which sucks pootie. My apologies. But hey...if I hadn't had so many freakin' email viruses sent to me in the last two months, this may not have happened.

There are three things that I keep getting sent to me. I now want to tell you what those three things are so that you don't need to see one of these things and think "Gee...Uncle Bob really needs this!" I appreciate you thinking of me, but save your email stamps.

First are these damned viruses. Especially the one that says "I have inventd new game. You are firt to try itt. I hope you liek it."

Listen, dude. I don't wanna play your stupid game. All your game is going to do is fry my hard drive like a rotten egg.

And learn how to spell for God's sake. I get the impression that this virus was either sent out by a foreigner or the world's worst spelling bee contestant.

Second...I've seen the webpage that the guy wrote about his redneck neighbor and all the crazy crap that's gone on at his house. It's a funny website and it does remind me of my Nosy Assed Neighbor except she's never burned her deck down or placed a three-foot high statue of Jesus on top of her mailbox. Still, thanks for thinking of me.

And I've also seen the Chick tracts that feature yours truly fighting evil in my own personable way. Once again...this thing is so unintentionally hilarious that it busted my gut. I had intestines flowing out a hole in my side for several hours while I waited in the emergency room after checking this comic out.

So I've seen these, I thought they were hilarious and worth mentioning here.

I just kept forgetting to mention them here.


Alright...I've got to go turn the sprinkler off in the front yard, fix my family breakfast and get Susie showered and dressed so she can go get a better job making more money so that I can slack off even more.

And I've got to call my evil boss Wendigo and tell her I can't come in today because of my rotten little baby and his amazing shit skills.

I'm curious to see if flames come shooting out of my telephone receiver as she yells at me across the wires.

She's evil, I'm tellin' ya.

Pure evil.

OH!!

Jeezum Crow!!!

You guys are ROCKING on the Suck Ass Poems!!!!

If you're looking for a laugh, waddle on over there and check out some of the most gawdawful poetry you'll ever read and then leave one your damned self. There's so many there now that I have to check the site several times a day just to read them all.

I will NEVER tire of suck ass poems.

NEVERRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!

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