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5:36 a.m. - 2002-05-30

WHO NEEDS SCOOBY WHEN WE'VE GOT BLUE?

I'm not sure what kind of position this is to be in ... but there HAS to be some potential here...

About a month or so ago, I think I may have told you guys about my wife and her work. It was time for her annual raise and bonus situation. Her new boss of nine months put in for a 3% raise for her and she got a 2.6% raise which she took as a slap in the face.

And she got no bonus.

This new boss is NEVER in the office and she covers for him all the time when his supervisors from another state call for him. He'll say things like "I've got to go get my car washed" and take the entire afternoon off.

So Susie's looking for another job. She doesn't like her new boss and is just ready for a change.

Last Friday night, we're walking around our annual Music Fest downtown and Susie says "There's my boss!"

...With a woman that wasn't his wife.

...An "old friend" that he's tried to get hired at the office who lives about an hour from here.

Susie waved at him, and he snapped his head in the other direction like he didn't see her. Granted, it was a pretty crowded situation, thousands of people walking around in the streets. So he may not have seen her.

So Susie can't believe that she caught her boss in an "affair".

I tried to explain that unless she had videotape of him slamming this gal's groin with his own, you could hardly call walking around a music festival as being "an affair".

So Susie finally goes back to work yesterday after the Memorial Day holiday and staying-home-with-Andrew stuff and can't WAIT to tell the other gal who works in her office.

First she talks to her boss. Small talk. Then she says "Oh...I saw you down at Jubilee Friday night!"

He says "Yeah, I went down there alone to hear some bands."

BUSTED!!!

He was NOT alone, he was with the "old friend" that he's been trying to get hired!!

Susie's met this woman and knows it was her.

THEN...Susie tells the other gal in the office about it who says that when SHE talked to the boss, the boss told HER that he "went to the festival with his wife."

Okay. He tells Susie he went alone. He tells the other gal he went with his wife. And we saw him with his "old friend".

Which is it, boss???

HMMMMMM????

Somebody is having an affair. They're taking off for hours 3-4 times a week and driving south in the company car to boink their "old friend".

That same Somebody also screwed my wife out of a decent raise and a bonus.

Susie...being the damned good little Christian that she is...isn't going to use this to her advantage like she should.

If it were me, I'd walk in there and say "Saw you at the music fest with your old friend. Looks like you two were having a good time. You know...as good of a time as two people can have when their heads aren't buried in EACH OTHER'S CROTCHES!!!"

Then I'd laugh maniacally. Like this ... "BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAA!!!"

Then I'd demand a hefty raise.

And a bonus.

Throw in a company car.

And a three-month paid vacation.

We've given it some thought, but everything points to a cover-up.

I suggested that he could have went with his wife and his old friend and her husband and that the boss and the old friend went looking for food, leaving his wife and the old husband in front of a stage listening to music.

Then why would he say he "went alone"??

The boy's having an affair and he was caught by the employee that he screwed over.

How uncomfortable.


And if Susie decided to push this and point out that she caught him, he could start looking for reasons to get rid of her to protect himself from the secret getting out.

I dunno.

It's best she keeps her mouth shut.

But if she gets another job, I'd be singing like a canary on my last day there.

A pretty canary.

A yellow one with a reddish beak and clipped feathers.

Not clipped all the way, just clipped nicely. Stylishly.

Singing like a stylish canary, I'd be.


So I stayed home with Andrew yesterday.

He's doing fine today and is going back in daycare this morning. He was actually fine yesterday, but the kids have to be fever and diarrhea-free for 24 hours before returning to daycare. It's kinda a stupid rule because nine times out of ten, when he gets sick ... it's from daycare. Because other parents aren't as curious/dumb as we are.

Anyway, Andrew shared with me a new show that he has a morbid fascination with.

It's called "Blue's Clues".

Now ... I knew he watched Blue at daycare. Miss Robin, his daycare lady, says that all the kids love Blue's Clues.

But...I always pegged Andrew for a Winnie The Pooh/Bear In The Big Blue House kinda kid.

Apparently, I've been wrong, wrong, wrong.

Andrew likes the music in those shows. But his overall favorite show is "Blue's Clues".

Because that little guy sat in front of the television and watched so many episodes of "Blue's Clues" that I feel confident I could send him to Washington and he'd clear up this whole Chandra Levy thing in about ten minutes. The kid is now a master detective.

If you've never watched "Blue's Clues"...the premise is simple. There's a guy...Steve used to be the host, but now his brother Joe hosts the show. Steve's cool...Joe's a dick. Nobody likes Joe. It's not Joe's fault. He's trying to fit in. But it's like when Conan O'Brian took over Dave's spot....he ain't no Dave. And Joe's no Steve.

There's a cartoon dog named Blue. Blue always wants something, but Blue won't say what it is that she wants. She leaves three "clues" around to determine what she wants and then the host has to put the clues together and with the help of some random voices being screamed at him offscreen, he solves the puzzle and discovers what Blue wants.

Steve's hilarious and is featured in repeats of the show on Noggin, a cable channel that we have here that you may not have and I feel sorry for you if you don't, because they show "Blue's Clues" several times a day. You can tell Steve just got burned out acting like a fucking idiot every show and having to rely on obnoxious kids to "solve" mysteries like why would Blue want to take a basket, a blanket and a sandwich to the beach?? Duh Steve...A PICNIC!!! Then Steve acts all excited that the kids helped him solve the mystery and he sings about eight million songs that all have the same melody and the show ends with Andrew clapping hysterically like he just watched a Beatles reunion if half the Beatles weren't already dead and he gave a shit about Beatles music.

Anyway...Steve plays the clueless host gig to the hilt. He's got this sly approach to it that subliminally tells the adults "Look...I know this is about the most ignorant shit you'll ever see on television. But I signed an iron-clad five year contract and I have no choice but to show up every day and act like a complete imbecile for the amusement of your kids. Pray for my merciless soul."

I'm not sure I could ever tire of Steve and Blue's Clues. Joe's got some big shoes to fill. Plus...Joe looks like he's trying too hard to be Steve. Let it go, Joe. Be yourself, dude. Steve was David Lee Roth. You're Gary Cherone and always will be.

...Sorry. A Van Halen reference. Never thought I'd have to explain a Van Halen reference, but I never know who's reading this crap.

So Blue's Clues rocks.

Elmo, on the other hand...

I would like to kill Elmo. I want to wrap my hands around his little Muppet neck and strangle the fabric out of that little red bastard.

My hatred is based on the puppet's voice. It's high and squeaky and I can't understand a damned word he says because I have the volume turned down to a whisper because that voice is as grating a voice as you'll ever hear.

Plus, he speaks like a retarded foreigner.

"Me Elmo! Me Elmo like poop! Me Elmo go poopy, eat dog food, see umbrella, go!"

WTF?!?

What is THAT supposed to teach children? How to babble like a mental patient?

Thankfully, Andrew feels the same way about Elmo. He stares at him for about three seconds and then wonders where the hell "Blue's Clues" went to.

So anyway...we watched some TV together yesterday. And since I watched all his crap, I thought it was only fair that he sit and watch one of my all-time favorite movies "Showgirls" with Daddy.

Alas, it wasn't meant to be. He decided to go open cabinet doors instead.

Little bastard.


Tonight is my niece's graduation from high school.

We have to go. Apparently it's a big deal to her.

Susie's dad is here from California. His name is Bob and he's partially the reason that I took the name "Bob" for this diary and persona because Susie's Mom hates Susie's Dad and is disgusted by the name "Bob" so I figured the name of the diary would always burn my mother-in-law's ass.

Nobody has told Susie's Mom that Susie's Dad is going to be at the graduation. Because if they tell her, she will explode. Still, when she shows up at the graduation and sees him, it's going to be a hoot. He's all civil around her and she's all apeshit. Then again, he's happily remarried and she lives with her Coke-slurping loser son and is selling drugs to help pay us back the money she owes us.

I'm going to take my camera and try to catch a pic of the inlaws for you, since so many of you have written me, wanting a photo of these couthless demons.

And of course...a full report on the debacle tomorrow.

Peace out.

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