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7:09 a.m. - 2002-06-01

GEE...I DIDN'T KNOW UNCLE BOB HAD IN-LAWS...

Greetings earthlings.

First off, thanks to Michelle and Kathy who were both so kind to reduce the photo yesterday of my in-laws so that the photo can remain on the Diaryland server for years and years to come and future Diarylanders can stumble upon this farce of a diary and say "Gee...he talks so much about horrid assholes ... I sure wish I could see a picture of them. Oh! There's one! Yep. They're assholes alright."

Sheesh. Why do I feel so strange "thanking" them for allowing the image of the bane of my existence to live on??

And I'm sorry for disappointing a great number of you who actually thought my mother-in-law would have a forked tongue and devil horns sprouting from her forehead.

In my eyes, she does.


So last night, I get home and right behind me, Susie's van pulls up in the driveway.

With a niece and two nephews in tow.

"We're all having dinner over here tonight!" she chirps. "Dad and his wife and my brother and his wife are on their way over!!"

Oh yeeee.

Can you tell I was super duper excited about this?

Let me cheer again for those of you who didn't get it the first time.

Yee.

I get in the house and am hit with a barrage of "Uncle Bob, can we watch DVDs? Uncle Bob, can we play Play Station? Uncle Bob, can I download some video of underaged teens blowing farm animals on your computer?"

No, no and get the hell out of my house, you perv.

I set one up on the Play Station. I pull out every DVD in my collection that isn't R-rated for the other one (a total of five DVDs...Salem's Lot, Jaws, Rock 'n' Roll High School, The Sixth Sense and the Beastie Boys' Anthology)

The kid tired of those DVDs in five minutes and started playing 14 Boring Questions with me.

"Uncle Bob, do you want to go see 'Jason X'?"

"No."

"Don't you think it looks cool?"

"No."

"C'mon...you REALLY don't want to see 'Jason X'?"

"No."

"I think it looks awesome. Have you seen the previews?"

"Yes."

"And you STILL don't want to see it?"

"No."

"Why not?"

"Because it sucks."

"You haven't seen it, how do you know?"

"Because I read reviews."

"What are reviews?"

"It's where people who've seen a helluva lot more movies than I have get paid to go to movies and compare them to other movies of their genre, and then tell me if this movie compares favorably to the other movies or if it sucks."

"And you believe them?"

"Yes."

"Why?"

"Because they're smart enough to tell me that 'Jason X' sucks."

"Why do you think it sucks?"

"Because the 'Friday the 13th' movies haven't been good since the third installment."

"Are you SURE you don't want to go see it?"

"Yes."

"Can we download it on your computer?"

"Sure."

"Can we download some porn too?"

"No."

So we downloaded 'Jason X' while the kids played Play Station and ate. After about an hour, it downloaded completely and the kid was happy. His mother wasn't too thrilled with her son watching an R-rated movie on my computer, but this is the same mother who caved and let him watch "Terminator 2" when he was 8 because he wouldn't quit asking her if he could watch it.

It's a violent movie with a few F-words tossed in, but other than that, 'Jason X' is fine for kids.

I was kinda worried about all the violence. But this is a kid who plays Play Station games and yells "DIE! DIE YOU ROTTEN COPS, DIE!!"

Plus ... if the kid ever finds himself in outer space having to face down a maniacal killer who can withstand anything you throw at him, 'Jason X' is really a good training video for survival.


So everyone came over and we all listened to boring stories about how Susie's dad was valedictorian of his senior class in high school.

Of course...there were only 12 people in his class!!!

BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!

And ten of those were inbreeds!!

BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHA!!!

(yawn)

Her dad is hellbent on picking up Andrew and holding him. Andrew wants no part of it. He scurries to me or Susie any time anyone tries to pick him up.

This flusters her Dad. He keeps saying "We'll work on him."

Meaning that each day from now until Tuesday, he'll try to get Andrew to warm up to him.

Good luck, Pops. There's people at church that Andrew has seen for years that have never been able to hold him. The kid is shy. Get over it. Admire him from afar and be happy.

Personally, I'm getting a perverted thrill over it. Her dad and his wife came all the way from California for two reasons...to see my niece graduate and to play with Andrew. Susie told them before they came that Andrew was shy and he kept telling Susie "I have ways of breaking through that."

Well guess what, Daddio? Andrew doesn't want you holding him. That won't change today, tomorrow or next month. It's a phase.

I guess there are ways that he could TRY and worm his way into Andrew's heart.

He could start by paying Susie the thousands of dollars in child support that he should have paid her for several years after he left the family. Instead, he chose to spend that money on his "new kids" while my wife spent her teenage years living in poverty with her mother, getting a makeup case for a purse she didn't have for Christmas.

Gee Pops...maybe that would get Andrew to warm up to you.

Me?

Bitter??

Nahhhhh.

Am I still angry for the way this guy fucked up my wife's psyche, turning her into a workaholic who gives 110 percent to every job she's ever had so that when I eventually leave her (because ALL men leave their wives at one time or another according to Susie's Mom), she will have the skills to survive on her own and not live in squalor like her father forced her and her mother to live while his "new family" got a nice house in California with an IN-GROUND POOL?!?!?!

Yep.


Anyway...day three of the In-Law Invasion.

I was greeted with some great news last night...the Dreaded Texas Knee-Humpers will be here in July.

I have already made it quite clear...they are NOT going to be staying in our house. The house is for sale, at any given moment between 8 a.m. and 9 p.m. a realtor can walk in here and the house has got to be in immaculate shape when and if they stop by.

And piling eight extra people in this house who stay up all night and sleep all day just doesn't fit into that schedule. People who don't know the meaning of "a clean house". People who think that shooing the cockroaches off the dirty dishes in the sink is considered "doing the dishes".

But that's something I can't worry about now.

Today I have to concern myself with more corny jokes, a smaller crowd in the house, hysterical laughter at the stupidest things and my father-in-law's brash and bold voice talking about their beautiful home in Sunny California on the golf course.

Ugh.

You.

YOU have a great weekend for me.

Because mine's gonna suck worse than a five dollar whore.

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