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5:30 a.m. - 2002-06-04

DO YOU HAVE PRINCE ALBERT IN A CAN? THEN YOU'D BETTER PORK HIM!!

I forgot to mention yesterday ... I watched that new show on Comedy Central ... "Crank Yankers" Sunday night. Man...that was one funny show.

I wasn't expecting much. The premise is simple, these are real crank calls ... acted out by puppets.

It was the puppets' reactions that had me rolling. There was one call to a guy with the last name "Dick". You could tell he was an old man who didn't realize it was a crank call. The guy on the other end kept saying things like "Are there any little Dicks running around your house?" and "Would you happen to know Jack Mehoff?"

They also had a guy calling a phone sex line for his deaf friend. He was making the lady scream into the phone and then putting the receiver up against his friend's balls so the friend could get off.

It was strange, but amusing. It's on again Wednesday night at 10:30 eastern time, 9:30 central.

I'll try to remind you again tomorrow, but I doubt I'll remember. Mainly because I'll have something else to talk about tomorrow.


My history as a prank phone caller is legendary in Kentucky.

That's where I spent my freshman year of college...Western Kentucky University in Bowling Green. I must have made well over a thousand calls my freshman year and putting each one on tape to entertain friends with.

Today, I only have one tape left. It's the same tape I've had for 20 years. It's been so long that I seriously don't remember what happened to all the other tapes. I think I trusted some guy with them and he lost them or something. Hell if I remember.

But it was me and my roommate Dave who would scorn actual studying every night and make prank phone calls around campus instead.

Some are truly hilarious. Others make me wince from embarrassment. Most of the time, if the call wasn't going as planned, I'd just burst into fits of profanity to see how long we could keep the person on the line.

Above all...the calls had to have some sort of cruelty behind them. We would have a room full of freshmen, giggling hysterically as everyone listened to the calls live from a crudely-assembled P.A. system. Our dorm room was the most popular place to go late at night for entertainment.

Granted, Caller I.D. was a figment of the imagination then. There was no such thing. Hell...these were rotary phones that we were dialing from. I'M OLD.

On our campus, there were two freshmen midgets. Little people. Dwarves. Knee-biters. Whatever the hell they want to be called this month.

Keep in mind, we wouldn't even START calling people until after 11 p.m. each night and usually call until 2 a.m., waking them up.

Anyway, we called Sonya the Midget one night and kept asking her if Clint the Midget had ever asked her out and if she thought there may eventually be a relationship there.

I told her that everyone on campus was rooting for them to get together and have babies "the size of Barbies".

She kept playing along and then I asked if midget men has normal sized penises. She said she had never been with a midget man. She said she dated normal sized men. I then mentioned that a normal sized man must be able to skewer her like a shishkabob during sex and wondered aloud if it made him a pervert to have sex with a midget.

Sonya was a good sport about the calls. Either that or she was mildly retarded. Because she would stay on the line until we finally hung up on her.


We also used to call this girl that a nerdy guy in our dorm had a crush on who happened to be in several of his classes.

His name was Mike, her name was Julia. Even though Mike lusted for Julia from afar, he was too big of a nerd to actually ask her out. He made the guys from "Revenge of the Nerds" look like studs. Seriously.

So I would call Julia on several occasions, speaking in a whiny, nasal voice and tell her it was me, Mike again.

(Mike had no idea we were making these calls)

I had this horrifying nerd laugh that I would use after everything I said to her. It was long and annoying. Julia sounded like such a sweet girl over the phone and she would try to be nice to "Mike" but you could tell she didn't want "him" calling her anymore.

"Mike" would ask her out at least once during every call and she always said she had a boyfriend back home and couldn't go out with him. "Mike" would tell her it wouldn't be a real date, they could just go out to eat "as friends", maybe see a movie "as friends" and then go get a hotel room "as friends".

She always politely rebuked "Mike".

These were always sweet, nerdy calls. I never got brash or ugly with the girl. Sadly, the greatest joy and payoff in all of this was something we never quite got to capitalize on.

As I said, Mike was in several classes with Julia. Each day, they would sit in the same classroom with Mike stealing shy glances at her, never knowing the conversation "he" had with her the night before. Meanwhile, she sat there, utterly terrified to look his way.

I probably called her once a week for a few months before the joke ran its course and we had done enough damage to the guy's psyche without him even knowing it.


My roommate Dave was a genius when it came to innocently get females to talk dirty to him over the phone.

He would call random girls up and explain that they had no idea who he was but he would sound genuine and sincere and say that every Monday night (or whatever night it happened to be), he and his former girlfriend would talk dirty on the phone to each other. But she recently died in a car wreck or something equally tragic and he missed her and would this gal mind talking dirty to him.

It usually took a great deal of coaxing and Dave was a whole lot more patient at his prank calls then I was. He'd stay on the phone for an hour to get a payoff from the call where I'd just hang up if it wasn't going my way after a few minutes.

I'll never forget ... he had one girl convinced that he was legit and she was talking pretty trashy to him. He was moaning quietly as a roomful of freshmen stifled their giggles, covering our mouths like children and having to leave the room so she couldn't hear several of us laughing hysterically.

At one point, she said she'd stick her tongue up his ass. And Dave just lost it. He started telling her she was a sick, sick person if she wanted to eat his ass. He said she was disgusting and disturbed. She got all tongue-tied and tried to apologize, but he just kept telling her how gross that was and that she was a "Filth Monger". He finally hung up on her as she was nearing tears.

You've never heard a roomful of people laugh harder.

He tried this on another girl and she was getting into it. I don't remember what she said she'd "do" to him, but he just broke down in fake tears, saying that his recently deceased girlfriend always said the exact same thing to him. The girl on the phone felt bad for about two seconds. And then she kept talking dirty because she was apparently really into it. So while Dave was "sobbing" like a small child, this girl was trying to get him back into the spirit of things by describing what else she was "doing" to him.

We wore that tape OUT, listening to Dave doing that "catching your breath" sob that children do. He kept trying to tell the girl that he needed to hang up while she kept wanting to do nasty stuff to him.


There were several hundred other calls made.

But it's time to quit reliving my cruel past and go back into my kind, fatherly present.

The boy's awake and watching a particularly hilarious episode of "Blue's Clues" if his laughter is any indication.

So I'm going to go hang with him.

Peace out.

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