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5:28 a.m. - 2002-06-05

KEEBLER THE MAGICAL ELF SAYS 'KILL YOURSELF'

Rock the casbah. ROCK the casbah.

Apparently, there was an election in our state yesterday to vote for the people that we want to vote for in November.

Narrowing down the candidates, I guess.

I don't know much about politics. It's never interested me.

My drunk-assed boss at the newspaper used to tell me that I could be Mayor of this city someday if I played my cards right because "everyone likes me". He said he would be the brains behind my Mayorship and was totally serious about this. I would always say..."No, boss...there's no way I can be Mayor here."

He would push the issue. Then guzzle another glass of scotch and soda. Then push the issue some more.

Yes, he'd always bring this up when he was drunk.

Which is why I never put much faith in what he said.

But I don't wanna be Mayor. I wouldn't know what to do.

I might set up a "Naked Day" where I had women walk around naked all day.

Other than that ... I'd pretty much suck. But at least, with "Naked Day", I'd have the men firmly behind me.


Tonight.

Crank Yankers.

Comedy Central.

10:30 eastern, 9:30 central, screwed-up time Mountain and Pacific.


Watched "The Mole II" last night.

Man...I forgot what a great show that is.

It doesn't have the drama of "Survivor" by any means. It's much more psychological and requires a ton of thinking.

It'd probably be a better show if the female contestants were naked.

But you know...it's still a decent show.


How obvious is it that I haven't had sex in a while?

THAT obvious??


Alright.

I've forgot to mention this guy lately.

Go read the story...it won't take long.

If you refuse to read it, lemme clue you in.

Basically, we've got a nerd who plays online games. He becomes obsessed with these online games. He eventually kills himself ... playing these online games.

"Liz Woolley suspects her son killed himself after being jilted online. "

...Probably because he wouldn't take out the cyber trash when his online lover asked him to.

"His family says the camaraderie with online friends was part of the allure for Shawn Woolley, a shy, overweight young man known for his wry sense of humor but who never had much luck dating. One former high school classmate described him as a geek. Others who knew him say he was sweet and sensitive but hard to get to know."

I had to double-check to make sure this guy wasn't an in-law of mine.

I'm guessing the reason Shawny Boy had trouble dating may have been connected to that gaping bullet hole in his head.

Actually, it really is kind of tough for these gamers to enjoy any type of social life. In my day, it was "Dungeons and Dragons" that had the geeks in a tizzy and dateless, playing until the wee hours of Saturday morning and then finally going to bed and masturbating to visions of Keebler the Magical Elf who slayed the dragon, Pete.

I never got wrapped up in that crap. But I had a roommate who was into it and would play D&D on a regular basis. You know...when I wasn't kicking his geek ass around the dorm room for being a geek.

I have a friend now...38 years old...who hangs out with kids at a local comic book shop playing this stuff. This guy's a LAWYER. Well, I use that term loosely...he's a certified lawyer who never practices law because he's TOO ADDICTED to this game. We only speak about once a year now because he used to be cool and now he's just a geek and when we do speak, I have trouble biting my tongue and just keep babbling about what a freakin' loser he is.

...Then again...I'm 40 with an online diary.

Like I have room to call someone else a "loser".

Ahem.

Anyway...

"Shawn's mother recalls the time Shawn broke down and cried when another EverQuest player stole the online treasures he'd collected in the game.

"Shawn, that's just a computer," she told him. "It's make-believe."

Frustrated, she took his computer keyboard to work. But he bought another one. When she tried to limit his computer time, he played at night when she was sleeping."

Alright....GEEEEEEEEEEK!!!!!

This DUMBASS BROKE DOWN AND CRIED over an f'n game!!!!

It's a GAME!

A GAME!!!

Do you see grown adults bursting into tears over Hide and Fucking Seek?!?

NO.

And I know there's some namby pamby pusswads out there who want to defend their precious online gaming with "But Uncle Bob...you don't understand...these online games are addictive."

Guess what Einstein? You're right! I DON'T understand how you can become addicted to a freakin' game!!

I drank alcohol heavily for 20 years because I WANTED to. I smoked pot for 20 years because I WANTED to.

Not because I HAD to. And one day I decided, "I don't WANT to do this anymore" and I stopped. Walked away from it and never looked back.

I don't understand addiction. Addiction is for the weak. I am not weak. I am strong. I can beat my chest without coughing up lung cookies.

Strong, I'm tellin' ya...

"Liz Woolley just started setting up an organization called Online Gamers Anonymous and a Web site to help people like Shawn -- with plans to use any money she might get from a lawsuit to help fund the organization.

"I can't just sit here," she says. "I cannot let him die in vain."

Guess what, Lizbian?

YOUR SON DIED IN VAIN.

His death is one of the most embarrassing deaths I've ever heard about. His face is being printed on cheap T-shirts with the message "Don't Be A Shawn" and worn by geeky online gamers nationwide. Granted, nobody's ever seen these t-shirts in public because these geeks never leave their computers...but they're out there, lady.

The only thing this lady is doing is bringing attention to the fact that she spawned an anti-social mutant with limited skills in communicating with others without the use of a computer keyboard. Christ. Stephen Hawking does a better job communicating than that dead dick bastard did.

I'm still in shock that there are actually people out there that are this freakin' geeky. It gives me no faith in humanity when I read stories like this and realize that there are such humongous losers in darkened rooms illuminated by a computer monitor who are hellbent to discover the treasure of George the Imperial Magical Elf and either break down in tears or kill themselves when they can't do it.

One more time...IT'S A FUCKING GAME, YOU LOSERS. WALK AWAY FROM IT SLOWLY AND GO SNIFF A FUCKING FLOWER OR SOMETHING. SKIP A ROCK ACROSS A POND. EAT A BANANA. GO GET ON A SUBWAY TRAIN AND RUB YOUR GROIN UP AGAINST AN ELDERLY WOMAN. JUST GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM THAT COMPUTER BEFORE IT SUCKS YOUR BRAIN BONE-DRY AND YOU END UP ANOTHER DEAD-ASSED NERD.

Christ on a pick-up stick.

Is it up to ME to have to keep delivering these public service announcements?

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