MYSTERIOUS WAYS

You know how they say "God works in mysterious ways"?

And then you say "Shut up with all that God talk, dude...you're freaking me out"?

And then they say "No, man...I'm serious...God works in mysterious ways"?

And then you usually punch them square in the face and say "Seriously man...shut up"?

Well ... I'm here to tell you ... God works in mysterious ways.

To recap you lucky bastards on my relationship with God...it goes a lil' sumfin' like dis...

All my life I was Catholic. A non-practicing Catholic. Which meant priests weren't attracted to me. I know, I know...damn my luck, eh?

Meet Susie. We're unholy together in the bar scene.

After several years of marriage, Susie decides she wants to start going to church. More power to ya, sweetie...see ya later..

So Susie goes to church every Sunday for about five years. This gives me time every Sunday morning to laze around the house and smoke weed without my wife here to say "When are you ever going to stop smoking weed?" and me to say "When you bear me a child, woman". You know....thinking THAT ain't ever gonna happen.

Then...she gets pregnant.

"When are you ever going to stop smoking weed?"

"Uhhhhhh...I guess now. Dammit."

So I say "See ya" to the weed. No big dramatic breakup. Bye. Bye.

Then I see an ultrasound of my baby. And that's when I understood that there is a God out there somewhere. Because for years, I had sex with numerous females. Ain't none of them ever taken me to the doctor's office and showed me another human being inside of them.

But there he was...as big as my fist.

So I start going to church since it's kinda boring sitting around the house Sunday mornings with no weed.

I start to like the preacher. I start to like the church family.

Soon, I'm asked to do a few things around the church. I drag my heels, but I do them and end up having a good time while doing it.

The whole time respecting the concept of God and Jesus, but not taking it too seriously because I don't ever want to completely change who I used to be.

I'm a smartass. Always have been and hopefully always will be. It's a side of me that I think people somewhat enjoy and appreciate because for the most part I can pull it off in a semi-charming sort of way.

Am I charming? No.

Am I semi-charming? Sometimes.

Anyway...I believe in God. There is some force out there that guides us through life. He watches out for us and tries to take care of us. There are plans for each of us and that's why sickly children sometimes die. God has something better waiting for them in Heaven.

I'm not TELLING you to believe this. This is just what I believe.

So yesterday ... God worked in some ways that can be considered mysterious.

First, we wake up, all excited about our new foundation for our home. We're giddy, but apprehensive since we're not completely sure that our house will be sold by the time the new house is built, which would mean that we would lose the new house. It's hard to get all jazzed up when you're not completely sure you're getting something.

Oh.

Here's the foundation pics I promised you.

The first one is Susie standing on the slab. The second one is taken from the farthest corner of our land of the slab. You can see two specks of red on the slab...that's Susie and Andrew. That's our van in the cul de sac.

So anyway, we're blab blab blabbin' about that.

We get to church and Rev. Brian has decided that he wants to preach about Abraham and "moving".

It's all about how moving provides you with a new and better home and how you adjust to it and how it makes you feel great and all this other stuff.

We leave, both going, "Man! Did Brian write that sermon for us?"

(That was Mysterious Way #1)

We get home, put Andrew down for his nap and decide to clean house since we hadn't "clean cleaned" it in a few weeks.

Mopping the floor...cleaning the bathtubs ... stuff like that.

Susie mops the floor and notices she doesn't have any more bathroom cleaning stuff so she goes to the store.

It takes her 90 minutes to go to the grocery store two miles away and pick up cleaning supplies.

She's slow.

(Mysterious Way #2)

By the time she gets back, Andrew's awake and I want to go to see a few Open Houses, because we're concentrating on a Plan B in case our house doesn't sell in time to buy the new house.

So we go to this new neighborhood about 25 miles north of here to check it out. It's a ritzy neighborhood...mansions and ponds everywhere...but they say they have homes in our price range so we go up there.

It's rather snooty. Beautiful homes, but I didn't feel like it was the type of place I want to live. Plus, the houses we could "afford" just weren't that big. They weren't as nice as the house we're building.

So I decided that our alternative plan of moving to the snooty neighborhood wasn't going to work.

(Mysterious Way #3)

We stop by the in-laws house because they were only a mile or two from the snooty neighborhood. Nothing big to report there except I got a severe case of the heebie jeebies being there.

(Mysterious Way #4)

We drive out to the new house which takes 35 minutes to do. We take several pics of the new foundation (which I shared with you above). We then decide to go home as it's 6:30 and I have to get dinner cooked because it's late.

(Mysterious Way #5)

We get home, I put some charcoal in the grill. We're home EXACTLY three minutes when the phone rings.

It's a realtor wanting to show our house in 15 minutes.

Okay...we had been gone most of the day. And rather than clean the house, we left it a mess to go run errands.

Bed unmade...toys everywhere ... dirty clothes on the bedroom floor ... empty soda cans on the kitchen table ...

...A mess.

So we had to run around the house like madmen, cleaning everything in sight.

We got it all cleaned up, moments before the people showed up.

A single mother and her four year-old son. Desperately needing a place to live. She lives with her parents and she's ready to get out of there. She had been looking at homes since February.

So she and the realtor walk around the house for what seems like an eternity while we sit outside with Maggie and Andrew.

The woman's son sees all of Andrew's toys outside and he wants to come outside and pull the wagon and blow bubbles and kick the big ball around the yard.

The boy "loves" our house.

The mama and the realtor come outside and the mama can barely hide her joy.

She LOVES our house. She loves the hideous wallpaper, the layout, the kitchen floor, the wired workshop...she loves everything.

We talk for a half hour outside. This is probably longer than everyone else has spent in the house combined. She asks a ton of questions and can't quit smiling.

She needs to find a place by the end of the month. But she's in the U.S. Reserves and will have to go on duty in July. So she wants to find a place to live before then, but may not be able to move in until August at the earliest.

Our house will be ready the first of September, maybe earlier.

(Mysterious Way #6)

The boy didn't want to leave. He kept telling Mama how much fun he had. We gave him a bottle of water and some candy as he left. He hugged Andrew and Maggie goodbye.

The mama said that we will "probably" hear from her again this week.

We sit down for dinner, turn on the television and U2 is singing about "Mysterious Ways".

Okay. Let's review for those of you who are somewhat brain-dead.

1)We're jazzed about the foundation being poured.

2) The preacher preaches about moving.

3) We decide to clean the house, but leave it in shambles for most of the afternoon.

4) Not five minutes after we return from being gone for hours, we get the call, giving us 15 minutes to get the house in order.

5) We get the house in order and the woman seems to love it as much as her son did.

6) U2 sings about "Mysterious Ways".

The fact that we get the call so late in the day is what cinched it for me. Had they called anytime in the previous four hours, they would have come over to a house in shambles and a dog barking hysterically from inside the house and they would NOT have been impressed with the house.

But they didn't.

GOD planned it so that he gave us enough time to clean the house and get it in order. As much as we dilly-dallied all afternoon, he waited until we got home to give us the call.

It seems like there were more coincidences than that as we compared them last night over dinner.

Granted...she may find a house she likes better.

She may not be approved to buy our house.

We may not sell to her.

But man...that was sure weird yesterday.

It just doesn't sound as weird when I type it all out here.

For those of you looking for a laugh...Diaryland Diva sent me this link which had me laughing until I cried.

It's Triumph the Insult Dog interviewing geeks on line for the new "Star Wars" flick.

Granted...it pokes unmerciful fun at "Star Wars" and its fans.

So if you're a diehard Star Wars fan who got all gussied up like a Jedi to attend the latest flick and had people throwing shit at you and calling you a geek while you stood in a long line to watch a semi-shitty movie...you may not think it's all that funny.

But I found it uproariously hilarious.

You've gotta have sound to listen to it. And it's long...at least 10 minutes or so...so have plenty of free time to watch it.

That's it...I'm wayyyy late getting this in this morning. Gotta go.