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4:15 a.m. - 2002-06-12

PSST ... UNCLE BOB'S OFF HIS ROCKER...PASS IT ON...

Kids, kids, kids.

First off...thanks to everyone who took the duties to heart and found all the Dead Diaries for me yesterday. I received 64 emails and made sure that every letter had been covered and scoured and checked out.

Yes, I now have a more-than-complete list of all the dead diaries in the Army list.

To those whose diaries haven't been updated since April 1st or before... if there's any reason why I need to keep you in the Army (you've broken your neck and are paralyzed from the calves down or something), email me and lemme know before Saturday or so and I'll keep it in there if it's a valid reason and you send pics of your boobies for forgiveness.

Okay. I don't need nor want to see your boobies. Just drop me an email, gimme the 10-4 on your diary, good buddy, and I'll keep it in there.

Once again...gracias to all those who took time out of their day yesterday to help me out. I'd list you all, but I haven't even read all your emails yet.

Kick ass!!


Hey!!

Remember the other day when I was all "God's speaking to me" nutty and stuff?!?

How I said that God worked in mysterious ways like a U2 song?!?

We got the call last night from our realtor who said that the lady that God told me He sent to our house to buy it is working up a proposal to present to us to buy our house in the next day or two.

Heeeeeeeeeeee!!!

Now then...I'm not exactly shocked or surprised that this is happening.

...Because God spoke to me again.

I know, I know...some of you have think I've gone off the deep end. I'm not Bible-thumping here. You can stay an atheist or a casual believer or whatever and still feel safe coming to my site, knowing I'm still going to be the same ol' Uncle F'n Bob.

But when he speaks to me, it's so strong that I've gotta share.

Basically, he has told me that the lady who's going to make the proposal IS the new owner of our home.

And that when he first told me in his first message to me "Everyone will do the right thing", what he meant was not only would my mother-in-law pay me back (she did), not only would my mortgage company approve me for a loan (they did) ... it meant that my wife and I now have to let this woman have this house. She is the new owner. This is HER house. And we have to do the right thing by working with her and letting her have it based on her proposal.

I HAVE to let her have it.

Sure, she's going to make an offer and we make a counter offer, etc. But we HAVE to let her win. She HAS to walk away the winner.

The other thing is ... and believe me ... I don't understand this at all ... I have to MAKE SURE that this lady understands that she HAS to take good care of this house.

I don't know why. Once I sell this house, I don't care how it's kept up. I truly don't. I will be living in my nice, new home ten miles away and don't care if the lady paints the house pink and leaves all the doors and windows wide open every night.

That doesn't concern me in the least.

But God has told me to impart this wisdom on the woman. She MUST take good care of the house.

This shit boggles my mind.

I told my sister about these messages from God and she said "You haven't been telling people about these messages have you? Because they're going to think you're nuts."

And I told her I've told everyone that I could think of.

She sighed and said "How do you know this isn't just you talking to yourself?"

Good question.

And I explained it the best way I could.

The things that God is saying to me have no rhyme or reason. They're things that I normally wouldn't say to myself. The whole "Take care of the house" thing...why?!? Like I said, I don't care about this house. But I guess for this woman's sake, I have to tell her this.

We've all heard the phrase "God has a plan for everyone."

And I think somewhere in that plan, God has decided that this lady must take care of this house for some reason that only he knows.

I've made a promise to tell the woman that when she buys the house.

That's all I know.

I guess in a way, I do sound like a nut. Hell...in a BIG way.

I can't help it.

I'm God's instrument in getting the messages out.

I'm like his internet.

I'm God's human website.

He has no messages for you guys, so I guess you're all cool for the time being.

And I'm going to look like a big idiot if this lady doesn't buy this house.

But I'm not even concerned with that.

Because everyone ... will do....the right thing.

Remember?


Sooooo...moving away from the whole "Uncle Bob is really starting to freak out and get creepy" portion of this website....

The Evil Boss Wendigo and I went to Georgia yesterday to attend something that I'm still not quite sure what it was.

It was a bunch of military guys on a military base. Thousands upon thousands of military guys. All looking at military stuff and going "ooooh" and sometimes "Ahhhhh".

It was like a huge conference with free peppermints everywhere you looked.

I went along to write some stories and take some pictures of all the military guys "ahhhhing" which was more difficult that you'd think because in still photos, you can't hear the word "ahhhhh" when you look at it.

(Unless God supplies the voice in your head for you. I know...cheap joke. I'll probably be struck dead today)

So much happened yesterday and I have so little time to discuss it here, as I've got to leave the house by 6 a.m., drive back to Georgia for a conference at 8 a.m. and then drive back home.

I can mention a few things.

Out of thousands upon thousands of people at this assembly thing....there were maybe five women.

These guys were ogling my evil boss like a Snickers is ogled at a Weight Watchers meeting.

It was like they'd all been locked in solitary for years and hadn't seen an actual female since they were children.

Granted, they were all very courteous. You know...the ones who weren't staring at her boobies anyway. I walked behind her through the crowded halls and caught plenty of guys sneaking glimpses at her. Then, once we were in this huge auditorium, some guys were sick of being sneaky and just gawking at her like nerds at a high school dance trying to work up the courage to ask her to dance.

It was amusing. After we left, Wendigo said she felt all "girly".

Well no shit Sherlock. I'm shocked she ever wanted to leave. If the roles had been reversed and we went somewhere where thousands of young women were walking around checking me out like a piece of Grade A meat, I'd whip out the cell phone, call the Mrs. and tell her to have fun raising the boy ... I had found my new home.

Alas...I was reduced to being the hot chick's fat guy friend yesterday.

Sadly, it wasn't the first time I've played that role.

But we're not here to listen to me bitch, are we?

Or ARE we?!?


We had to go out on this golf course and take pics of all these retired army generals getting drunk and playing golf.

That was fun...for about 11 seconds.

This lady said she'd escort us all over the golf course in her golf cart to take pics and get names.

Cool.

Except her golf cart only has room for two people.

"That's fine," the lady and Wendigo said. "Uncle Bob can just 'squeeze' in."

Hello??

I haven't "squeezed in" anything since high school. My ass is not made for "squeezing in".

So I've got about three inches of ass on this golf cart seat and the rest of my body is hanging out the side of the cart, hanging on to the roof of the cart and wishing this lady would take the curves a little slower.

The muscles in my arms and legs are weak and sore today from locking them up in order not to fall out of the cart for 30 minutes as we cruised around the golf course.

I got some decent photos of the guys playing golf though, so the objective was met.

With my muscles serving as an afterthought in the whole thing.


We attended the most godawful boring conference after lunch.

This Army General who flew in for the day talked about the state of the army.

...While I slept with my eyes open.

...They were open most of the time anyway.

I think I may have mentioned....I know painfully little about military operations.

And like an old dog...I don't care to learn anymore right now.

The highlight of the hour-plus conference was this crazy old man who took over the "Q&A" portion of the conference at the end.

He got up and rather than ask a question, he went on a painfully long ramble about the three wars he had fought in and how great they were and how he's still here and that the things the army is teaching the young guys today is "bullshit" and how he's a real man with a real brave heart and a real colostomy bag secured to his hip, etc.

He woke me up and actually had me chuckling at his bravado and insistance on taking over the conference with his insane ramblings.

I guess he reminded me of me in 40 years.

Babbling about how my life was much greater when I was younger.

You go, old man!! You tell 'em!!!

Eh.


Alright, I've gotta go and get ready to drive two hours to my destination.

I'm shocked I even got up early to write all this.

The dedication I have to you guys.

Sometimes it's downright sickening.

Awwwwww...but I love you all just the same.

Wait!!!

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God just said he loves you too.

Feel better now?!?

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