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8:06 a.m. - 2002-07-08

THE RUMORS OF MY DEATH ARE GREATLY EXAGGERATED

Wow. I'm a bit rusty at this...having not updated in five days now. This is the longest I've gone without updating since May of 2000 when my dad had his brain aneurysm, which almost forced him to start thinking with his penis. Luckily, everything went okay and Dad came away without any lingering after effects. Which is a good thing because if you have ever seen my Dad's penis...believe me ... the man wouldn't have been able to solve a simple riddle if he had to start thinking with that thing.

Ahhh...kicking things off with slams on my Dad's penis. It's nice to know I haven't lost it.

Soooo...how was YOUR Fourth of July?? Uh-huh. Really? Wow...that sounds like fun! What?!? You're KIDDING me!! Really??? Man...you live QUITE the life, huh??

Mine was pretty boring. In a nutshell, we went to 4th of July furniture sales but didn't buy anything. We went to a new restaurant in town Smokey Bones and came back to the apartment without witnessing a single firework all day. Fine with me. I'm about as intrigued with fireworks as I am at staring at pictures of melanoma scabs.

Friday, the Mrs. went to work and took Junior to daycare, leaving me all alone to do whatever the hell I wanted all day long.

So I watched movies for a while. I watched "Pitch Black" which I thought might be decent but turned out to be pretty boring. I watched "Shallow Hal" which I thought might be decent and was a good little love story, but about the most unfunny comedy I've ever seen. And for those of you who were under the impression that all the movie does is make fun of fat people...well...it spends a lot of time poking fun at chubs....but it also sends the message home that fat people are people too and most are really nice people under those layers and layers of blubber.

Me? I'm probably the exception to the rule in this case. I'm mean, baby...mean. I'm one fat assed mean assed bastard. Grrrrrrr and all that shit.

I also caught several episodes of "Mr. Show" since I purchased the DVD of the complete first two seasons last week. That one comes highly recommended to those of you with warped senses of humor and five hours to kill.

Then I went to Walmart to purchase a new swimsuit because Walmart has the finest in today's fat guy swimsuits. I also bought several tank tops because there's nothing more sexually arousing to a female than a fat guy in a tank top in Alabama.

I then....went to The Pool.

Nobody was at The Pool when I first got there. So I could just kick back and relax and soak up the sun.

Then a young mother and her two sons showed up. The young mother was kinda hot. So I sucked in my gut a little while I laid in the chair.

Then two other females came in. Both around college age. My gut retracted a bit more.

A family of four came in to eat at one of the tables around the pool. My gut was now starting to poke out my back, as it was sucked in so deeply.

Just as I was about to hyperventilate, ANOTHER young female came in to the pool area. Darkly tan, statuesque, belly ring, small tattoo of either a butterfly or Hitler on her ankle ... she was pretty hot.

"Are these seats taken?" she asked me, gesturing to the two seats on either side of me.

"No!" I gasped, desperately running out of oxygen and trying to make myself look like I weighed 120 lbs.

She sat down in the chair next to me, applied suntan lotion all over her bikinied body and laid down to read a book.

I scanned the pool area. Ten other people besides me were in there. When I felt that nobody was looking, I quickly exhaled and then inhaled again, sucking the gut back in for maximum discomfort.

As I laid there, holding my breath in the hot July sun, it dawned on me .... who am I here to impress?

I have a wife who loves me very much...gut and all.

I wasn't here to get laid. I didn't have any fantasies that Belly Ring Girl was going to lean over and say "You know...I've always wanted to get it on with a heavyset, balding guy old enough to be my dad...would you like to come to my apartment and teach me all about the forbidden rules of heavyset old bald guy love?"

So....I let it out.

...My gut, not my willie. Sheesh, people. Stay with me here.

Nobody gasped, unless you count me. Nobody pointed and shrieked in horror "FAT GUY!! FAT GUYYYYYYY!!!"

I don't even think anyone noticed. And if they had, they probably would have applauded me in my quest to just be myself. My semi-naked, fat guy self.

Then...perhaps the greatest thing in the history of fat guys at the pool happened.

A woman...easily 300 lbs. and probably more ... walked in to the pool area in a muumuu.

She spoke to the college girls and the family eating their lunch. They seemed to know her and were all very cordial, talking about the recent holiday and all.

Then she took off the muumuu.

Revealing her lime green string bikini.

That's right. A large woman in a string bikini.

And everyone accepted her.

I have to admit ... I was a bit shocked by her brazen self. I expected a one piece because most women with an ounce of fat on their bodies try to hide it behind a one piece.

Not this woman. She let it all hang out. She was making those strings holding her bikini together earn every single penny that she paid for them.

And she was cool about it. She didn't just jump into the pool up to her neck to hide her body. She sat down, applied lotion to herself and conversed with others while she did it.

She was proud of her body.

Which, in turn, made me feel more at ease with my own body.

Apparently, this woman is the complex's Pool Goddess. Everyone who frequents the pool on a regular basis seemed to know her. She watered the plants around the pool like it was her job and straightened up some of the chairs. Then she got on a raft and began floating around the pool.

Pool Goddess is my new hero.

She showed everyone that it's okay to be fat and hang out at the pool. You don't have to stay locked up in your apartment all summer ... c'mon out and be fat at the pool.

Go, Pool Goddess, go.


Friday night, we went to the pool where Andrew got his first taste of swimming. If you want to call clinging to Daddy with every ounce of energy in his 25-lb. body "swimming".

He seemed to enjoy the adventure. Enough to where we had to take him back on Saturday and he's now pointing at his swimsuit every five minutes and whining, to let us know that he wants to go back to the pool.

He probably has a crush on Pool Goddess or something.

I mean...who doesn't?!?


Saturday, we went to a wedding at church where the Air Conditioning had conveniently decided to go on the blink.

That was fun. If you consider sitting around in an air conditioned church with 200 other people in July in a suit "fun".

Plus, the girl who was SUPPOSED to watch the children in the nursery forgot to show up. So Susie took it upon herself to watch the nursery.

Which amounted to Andrew and the preacher's son Ethan. Because all of the other young children in attendance weren't regular members of our church and the mothers didn't feel comfortable leaving their babies with a woman who wasn't a bonafide nursery person.

Which meant that I had to attend the wedding by myself.

A wedding where I didn't know either one of the participants. Susie knew the bride because she used to go to our church when she was younger, before I started attending church on a regular basis.

So I'm sitting there, perspiring like a whore in church even though I'm not officially a whore although I've had my share of unmitigated dalliances in the past, watching a wedding where I didn't know the bride or groom.

So I played the always popular guy-by-himself-at-a-wedding game of "Who Would You Pork?"

The rules are simple. You check out all of the bridesmaids throughout the wedding and by the end of the wedding, you have to have a list in your head of the bridesmaids from most porkable to least porkable.

Some skanky looking blonde won the contest in my head. Up close she was nothing to write home about. But from a distance, she looked like a young Michelle Pfeiffer with a severe overbite.

The least porkable was the bride's sister who is legitimately mildly retarded. I've spoken to the girl on a few occasions prior to this event and she always points out the fact that she wants to eat my son. Not that he looks good enough to eat, or that he's so sweet that she wants to gobble him all up or some varied phrase that insinuates that you have an adorable child.

I think she thinks he looks tasty. Like he should be covered in cocktail sauce or something.

At one point during the wedding, I could swear the gal was eating one of the potted plants. Her face was buried in it and she seemed to be quite content with the plant obscuring her view of her sister being married. I saw her jaw bobbing up and down and it wouldn't shock me if she had chowed down on the plant. Not one bit.

After the wedding, I grabbed the wife and pulled her out of the church so we could get outside in the 101 degree weather in order to cool off.

We came home, got in our swimsuits and ran to the pool where my wife made friends with Pool Goddess and Pool Goddess Son. The Pool Goddess has a real name ... but I shall refer to her all summer as the Pool Goddess because that is what she is.


Sunday...went to church...went to open houses for million dollar homes that we will never be able to live in ... went gas grill shopping ... stopped at the ice skating rink to let Andrew watch the ice skaters which is always a thrill for him ... came home...Susie actually cooked dinner while I played with the boy ... I had a whopping TWO BEERS after dinner, which made me somewhat loopy, seeing as that was the most alcohol I've put away in the last four months and went to bed.

In my tank top.

I'm now a tank-top wearing, beer-swilling, pool God in training.

It's the apartment.

It makes me feel like I'm 21 again.

I love apartment life.

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