I DON'T SNOOZE...YOU LOSE

I'm so damned tired I could scream.

For the first time in many moons, Andrew woke up at 2 a.m. and thought it was time to get up.

At 2:20, I walked in his room, quietly told him to calm his little baby ass down because it was NOT time to get up.

He wanted to disagree with Daddy.

Loudly.

I did exactly what you're supposed to do when your kid is screaming at 2:20 a.m. and wanting to get out of bed ... I told him he was going to hell if he didn't shut up.

Didn't work.

I got him a cup of water and he took a few sips. I turned on his Fisher Price Aquarium (every kid should have one) and his Mommy Bear (with actual sounds from some stranger's womb!!) and began singing "Rock A Bye Baby" to him as quietly as I could.

This seemed to work. By 2:30 he had calmed down and was laying there with his hands wrapped around his sippy cup and his eyes closed.

I went back to bed.

By 2:32, he cranked that whiny bitch tone back up a notch.

Susie, in her infinite wisdom that is best displayed at 2:32 a.m. said "I'm giving him 30 minutes of crying time before I go in there."

Wonderful.

At 3:02 a.m., I reminded her that the 30 minutes were up and he was still wailing like he was caught in a bear trap.

So she gets up, is gone for a minute or two and then comes back to bed.

With the boy.

"You can't bring him in here!" I said in a panic.

"Why not?" she said.

"Because every single professional in the free world says to never bring your kids to bed with you. Once you do that ... they....they....uhhhhhhhh....I'm not sure what happens, but it's like Armageddon in raising a child. This much I know."

"Well what do you suggest I do, Dr. Spock?" she asked.

I thought for a few seconds.

"He seems to like the pool," I said.

"I'm NOT taking him to the pool at 3 a.m.," she hissed.

"I'm NOT suggesting you take him to the pool," I backtracked. "Maybe just put him out on the patio and see if he can find his own way to the pool."

Soooooooooo....guess who spent the rest of the night in Mommy and Daddy's bed?

And NOT sleeping either. He thought this was some kinda wack assed baby slumber party. He was here to have FUN!!!

And FUN!!! to him meant slapping Daddy's face and laughing for 30 minutes.

All in all, I had a two hour chunk of my sleep taken away by a hyperactive kid.

I'm not in good spirits this morning.

And when I'm not in good spirits, who gets cheated out of a diary entry??

That's right.

It's called the "trickle down theory".

Now...get back to work.