LADIES AND GENTLEMAN, PLEASE GIVE A WARM WELCOME TO ... WHAT THE F....??

I got a nice email yesterday from what I am sure is a lovely young lady by the name of Janie. Janie was writing to tell me just how freakin� great I am, as if I needed any more reassurance of my potential wonderfulness. But then she relayed a bit of information to me that made me squeal. Something like this��WHEEEEEEE!!!� I guess it was kinda like �WHEEEEEEEE!!!� if a pig had squealed it. I sounded like a pig. Squealing. Squealing �WHEEEEEEE!!!� Not that it�s important that you know exactly how I sounded as I squealed like a pig. That has nothing to do with this story. Still, I like to be as descriptive as possible when discussing my squealing techniques.

So Janie tells me that a few weeks ago when I strong-armed each and every one of my readers to visit my boy Mattie Gee�s website and register for free tickets to this year�s Ozzfest courtesy of Jagermeister, she actually was one of the 25% of you who did such a thing.

And she won.

That�s right�Janie�s gonna be headbanging with Ozzy and � and�.and�.I guess a buncha other heavy metal bands in New Jersey. I�m not sure who else is on the tour with Ozzy this year.

For some reason I want to say Moby, but I feel pretty confident that you�ll never ever ever see Moby and Ozzy sharing a stage together anywhere short of an MTV Awards show.

Anyway, congrats to Janie who kicked mucho assso by filling out her name and winning some tickets!

And in a way, I had something to do with it!

So that�s kinda a Good Samaritan thing to do�right??

I mean granted � I�m sending a nice clean cut All-American girl to a festival peppered with Satanic bastards. But it�s still commendable.

I think anyway.

Speaking of Satan, I came up with a great somewhat-offensive alternative band name yesterday.

�Satan Hitler.

If any of you guys have a band that needs a new name, I am GIVING you this band name with the assurance that it will sell records, baby.

The band could have a logo � a circle with a red cartoon Satan figure in the middle who is sporting a Hitler mustache.

I�ll even agree to appear in magazine ads for Satan Hitler�s debut disc. It�ll be a pic of me winking and giving the camera a thumbs up with the slogan �Uncle Bob Sez: Satan Hitler is GO!!� emblazoned across the full page ad.

Yeah.

That�s me�always thinking of the big picture.

Today�s my baby sister�s 33rd birthday.

One third of a century.

I completely forgot to get her a card.

I suck.

I wonder if she would be consoled by the fact that I could give her the name Satan Hitler for her band.

You know�if she had a band.

Or could play a musical instrument.

Or had an inkling of musical talent in her pores.

Probably not.

OOOOOOO!!!

I accidently made a typo on Satan Hitler and came up with a better name!!

STANLEY HITLER!!

Stan Hitler??

Eh.

Whatever.

I think I mentioned a while back that I was going to take a large number of the song suggestions that I received from the first question on my survey and make a disc and call it �Diaryland Ass Shakers�.

Didn�t I?

I could swear I did.

Oh well�even if I didn�t, I�ve done such a thing. However, I had to do it before we moved out of our house two and a half weeks ago, so some of the more recent additions have not been downloaded�it was mostly stuff from the first slew of people who filled out the survey.

Anyway�man�I can�t stop listening to these discs!!

And shaking my ass!!

I�ve made two volumes of the Diaryland Ass Shakers, and even though I�m partial to Disc One � Disc Two has its moments as well.

So anyway, I�m thinking of combining the best of the two discs onto one disc and then�and I�m probably going to kick myself for this � but I think I�ll offer copies to you guys.

Naturally � nothing comes for free.

Sooooo�I�m thinking about doing some kinda CD swap thing.

You burn me a CD of songs that shake your ass and send it to me, and I�ll send you a copy of Diaryland Ass Shakers.

Whadda ya think?

Anyone interested in such a thing?

I guess I could accept tapes as well for those of you that don�t burn CDs.

Or�you know�you could always just look at all the results of Question #1 on my survey and burn your own freakin� CD. Fine. Be that way and all that jazz.

It was just a thought.

If you�re interested� email me and lemme know.

I like pretty much all types of music, so I�m open to just about anything. If you like it, I�d like to hear it.

I don�t really care much for death metal. Songs that sound like someone�s taking a baseball bat to your eardrums and bashing your skull in.

You know�music by bands with names like Throbbing Weasel.

Or Satan Hitler.

Stuff like that.

And I�m not really good at making the cool sleeves for CD cases either. In fact, I�m quite lame at it. I usually have to bug my pals and bribe them with free lunches to make CD liner notes for me. So I�ll probably just be writing the names of the songs and the artists on a piece of paper and cramming that into the CD case and that�s it.

But if you�re interested in such a thing, once again�lemme know and we�ll rock the hizzouse together.

I guess I need to take a picture of Andrew�s new haircut, huh?

Lemme see if he�ll be up for a picture when he wakes up and I�ll post it.

He�s a cranky lil� boy in the mornings. He�s a lot like his Mama in that respect.

Meanwhile, I�m Johnny Happypants in the morning.

Speaking of Captain Cranky�I hear him roaring in his bedroom.

When the baby cries, the diary stops.

Deal with it.

But hey�

At least you get a picture.