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8:35 a.m. - 2002-07-19

IT'S THE END OF THE WORLD AS WE KNOW IT

Well ... I guess the unthinkable has happened. And it has devasted humanity to its very core.

...Billy Bob Thornton and Angelina Jolie are divorcing.

Who among us saw this coming? And if anyone dare says "I", I shall deem you a liar. Because what Angelina and Billy Bob had...that was TRUE LOVE, DUDE!!

I mean...they wore each other's blood around their necks. Like vampires. Only real lovers do that!!

And they'd do interviews where they talked about the kinky sex that they enjoyed. How they liked "getting rough" with each other.

Here's a word of advice, gals. If you like "getting rough" in the sack it's going to be tough landing a guy for any extended amount of time. The whole thrill of slapping your bitch up in bed grows old after a while. And a woman that begs to be beaten to a bloody pulp in order to enjoy an orgasm ... well ... that's kinda tough for a guy to get into after a while. We like to do the bling bling. And when we're bling blinging, it's tough to keep our mind on the sex when we're also trying to fracture a woman's jaw at the same time.

I do not speak from experience.

I will admit to dating my fair share of psychotic women over the years. But none of them wanted me to reenact the final fight scene from "Rocky III" while I crammed my chubby in their yummy.

Back to the situation at hand ... Angelina is hinting that it was Billy Bob who was having trouble staying faithful to the act of marriage.

Now ... I'm wondering ... what woman in her right mind would hop on Billy Bob Thornton?

Obviously a woman who hadn't seen either "Sling Blade" or "A Simple Plan". Because once she saw him as Carl in "Sling Blade", I can't imagine a woman saying to herself "Damn, girlfriend...you need to hump that man's love pump!"

The guy's talented...no two ways about it.

But he's what we call "an ugly sumbitch".

And I know that supposedly there are women out there who are able to look past a man's physical beauty or lack thereof and start seeing a man because he possesses a hearty soul.

Uh-huh.

Tell that to every girl in my senior class in high school. The shrieks of laughter you get in return will threaten to deafen you.

And they're both nuttier than a squirrel's diet. I can only imagine if one of my buddies came up to me wearing a new necklace like theirs.

ME: "Say pal...I like the new necklace...what is that...garnet?"

THEM: "Naw...it's my old lady's blood. I clocked her a good one last night and put this vial under her nose until it filled up. Didn't take long because the punch kinda caught her off guard."

ME: "Wow...that's pretty cool. Say...would you mind if we weren't friends any more? I kinda got this stupid little rule about hanging out with circus side show freaks."

THEM: "Hey, fuck you, asshole!"

ME: "Exactly! Toodle-looo!!"

I guess that deep down, I should feel a bit sorry for the pain and grief that has stricken this poor couple due to Gimpy's infidelities. But I just can't muster up the emotions required for such a mourning period.

And I know this whole entry is bound to offend one of you 20-something girls that thinks Angelina Jolie is hot or sexy or an asset to society.

I apologize for that right now.

But seriously...maybe it's time you looked into a more stable role model.

Like one of the Bush or Osbourne daughters or someone.


Sooooo...this should be an interesting weekend.

My sister's coming to town today to spend the weekend with us and see Andrew. This is kind of an impromptu visit because she was supposed to come two weeks from now, but those plans got changed.

On the flipside of that ... Susie's sister from Texas is coming with her knee-humpin' brood from hell.

Now... my sister is staying with us. She's quiet, clean and fun to be around.

I have no idea in hell where Susie's sister and her husband are staying. Her husband is a powder keg ready to explode at any given moment. This guy makes Tweak from "South Park" look subdued. It's obvious to me that he hates his life...he hates the fact that they had four rowdy boys and now the oldest son has reproduced and given them another boy for a grandchild and they've also taken in his teenage girlfriend into their three-bedroom home. Eight people in a three bedroom home gets old after a while. The guy actually looks forward to going to work each day.

And from what I understand, his work situation isn't all that stable after the terrorists blew up NYC.

This apartment is already cramped with me, the Mrs. and Andrew and the dog in here. I do NOT want anymore people in here for an extended amount of time.

Sadly, it's not about what I want. It's about what a visiting family of eight people for nine days NEED.

My mother-in-law used to say that she would be more than happy to house the entire family. But she and my good-for-nothing, piece-of-shit brother-in-law smoke like a couple of Colorado forest fires and two of the kids from Texas have asthma and can only be around their grandmother and Uncle Asshole for limited amounts of time.

Plus ... last December when they all came and stayed at Grandma's ... they drank every soft drink in the house in 24 hours. She had bought several cases of Coke and Pepsi for the entire duration of their extended stay .... they sucked them all down in record time. That's what this family does ... they visit your home...ask you how many soft drinks you've purchased for them ... calculate how long it would take to drink all of those in the shortest amount of time possible ... then get started on drinking them all so that they can stay up until 4 a.m. each night watching lame-assed movies all night.

Grandma didn't really hide the fact that she lives on a very stringent budget and that those drinks were for EVERYONE to drink throughout the ten days that they were here in December. NOT the allotted soft drinks for a 24 hour period.

These kids didn't care. They were all hopped up on the caffeine. No wonder they hump my knees when they come to stay. They've got so much pent-up energy coursing through their bodies that they need to release that energy someway. And since they either come in the dead of winter, or the heat of summer every time they visit ... they have to all stay inside. So with upwards of 18 people crammed in a small home....they resort to humping my knees.

Damn. I should have been a scientist or some shit. I'm one smart and observant mofo.

Anyway...my sister is a lot like me ... we do NOT like being crammed in an apartment with a dozen LOUD in-laws all trying to talk over each other and trying to find something sturdy enough to dry hump until they coat their jockeys with teenage jizz.

My sister's going to be here tonight and leave Sunday morning.

I told Susie that since my sis will only be here for about 36 hours and her sis will be here for 216 hours, it's only fair that my sister gets to spend time with Andrew tomorrow ... and that Susie won't shuttle Andrew off to take him to Grandma's so his aunts, uncles, cousins, great cousins and cousin's girlfriend can scream and holler and yell until they permanently damage his baby hearing.

Susie said "We'll see."

My sis got the raw end of the deal like this last summer. The time we all met in Nashville and Susie's friend monopolized all of Susie and Andrew's time to the point that my sister literally got to see Andrew for 10 minutes in a 24 hour period.

I know my sister cannot handle all of them coming over here to this apartment tomorrow which they will want to do because the boys will want to go swimming in the apartment pool which I refuse to let them do because it's a quiet pool for adults ... not screaming kids doing cannonballs who don't even live in the complex. That's why we live in a gated community...to keep gate crashers from ruining the quiet party.

I get the feeling that my sis will leave a day early. I hope that's not the case, but I can see that happening.

And the Texas boys are in for a rude awakening if they want to come visit Uncle Bob. I don't have internet access at home now. My Play Station and stereo is in storage. All of my PG-13 movies are on loan to my pastor. I threw away my collection of the last 20 years of Playboy Magazine when we moved last month. And they can't go swimming in our pool, it's too hot to play outside and I only drink diet drinks now.

This has the potential to be interesting.

I'll get you all caught up on Monday.

Have a great weekend!!

.

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