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8:30 a.m. - 2002-07-24

YOUR PERFECTLY NORMAL WEDNESDAY MORNING FREAKOUT

Last night was a night off from the in-laws. Thank God for small miracles. And little girls.

No wait…that’s thank Heaven for little girls. And seriously…if a song like “Thank Heaven for Little Girls” by an elderly French guy hit the charts today, don’t you think that guy would be interrogated quicker than a bunny orgasm?

So we went and checked out the progress being made on our house last night. It was cool because they had insulated the walls and the sheetrock/drywall should be erected by the end of the week. Which would mean...Houston...we have walls.

We're excited, yet nervous at the same time.

Because I don't like the roller coaster ride that Wall Street is going through right now. Thousands of people are losing their jobs each day and it looks as if we are heading for a depression. A SERIOUS depression.

And that's not good news to someone who has just invested heavily in a house that costs four times his last home.

The fallout from September 11th is still being felt today. Yes, thousands of innocent people lost their lives to these terrorists. But Osama's main goal was to destroy our economy with his horrifying acts.

Which he's doing. Granted, the fat cat executives at Enron and WorldCom have played a healthy hand in America going to Hell as well ... but bin Laden started this whole mess. Everything was hunky dory before he raised his hairy face out of the dog ass he was eating.

I dunno. Your old Uncle Bob is a bit nervous.

I think we all should be.


I received some more CDs in the mail yesterday, which is really a cool thing to have happen on a daily basis.

I also received a few emails from people who aren't sure exactly what kind of mix to make for me in exchange for the Diaryland Ass Shakers disc.

Here's some helpful suggestions...

A Road Trip Mix - I do most of my music listening in the car these days, and when I'm in the car, I like my music loud and pulsing. Make me a mix of the songs that you like to listen to when you're cruising around in your car at a loud volume.

A Mellow Back Patio Mix - When we move into the house, we plan on sitting on our back patio quite a bit at night and listening to music on our outdoor speakers. So I need mixes that would serve as good soundtracks to watching the sun go down and the stars come out. Something mellow and soothing.

Your Favorite Songwriters Mix - In high school, my dream was to become a songwriter. I penned the lyrics to over 1,000 songs in a four-year period. I love a good lyric. So make me a mix of your favorite songs from your favorite songwriters.

Songs That Make You Weep - One song that never fails to choke me up is Barenaked Ladies' "Break Your Heart". I love everything about that song ... from the lyrics to the passion in the music. There are not a lot of songs out there that can bring me to my knees, slobbering like a baby, but that's one of them. Maybe you have enough of those songs to fill a whole disc. If that's the case...DO IT, CHUMLEY!

The World's Most Hummable Tunes - Make me a disc of the catchiest songs in your collection. Songs that will stick in my head all day like peanut butter in the recesses of my brain.

Keep in mind...I like everything. Jazz, country, disco, rock, trip hop, R&B, classical, punk, funk, rap, techno, alternative, novelty songs.... I like it all. When it comes to music, I'm hardly a snob.

That doesn't mean I want a whole disc worth of the hardest gangsta rap you can find. Maybe 1-2 gangsta tunes mixed in with some other stuff would be cool.

All that said ... if you want a copy of "Diaryland Ass Shakers"....email me once again.

The way I'm doing this now is ... you email me and I will send you my address. You make the CD and send it to me with your address and then I email you back a copy of "Ass Shakers". This system seems to work best for me, as I can then do the supply and demand thing rather than mailing out discs to every Tom, Dick and Harry out there and not get anything back in return.

Think you're gonna screw Uncle Bob?!?

HA!!!

Think again, Dr. Evil. I've got A SYSTEM!!!


I leave tomorrow for a few days at the beach on a work assignment.

Yep.

It's tough.

I've got to go stay in one of the premier hotels on the beach. Every few hours, I've got to go conduct an interview. Then I have to go back to the beach and wait for the next interview to start.

Plus, I have to eat a bunch of delicious food and perhaps gamble away the down payment for my new home in the casinos.

Maybe even (GASP!) drink a beer or two.

This should explain my nervousness with the economy ... if my workday consists of interviewing people in between laying out at the beach, gambling and drinking ... how long am I going to be able to hold onto a gig like this?

Damned economy...

(...he says with a grin creeping across his face)


I love the ABC show "The Mole".

Chances are good that you haven't ever seen it. But damn...that is one thrilling show.

Last night, the contestants had to face three different challenges.

One had to be locked in a fairly small, well-lit cage for 30 minutes. Not so bad.

...Until they started dumping these huge cockroaches on her.

....And then turned all the lights out, leaving her in a pitch black cage with cockroaches all in there.

Another had to share a small room with an 8' long python for the duration of the evening.

Not so bad.

...Until they turned the lights out on her as well.

The third contestant had to stay on a metal cot with no mattress all night long.

They never turned the lights off on him.

But they had a bubble machine pouring bubbles on him all night long.

And they played Don Ho's "Tiny Bubbles" over and over a loudspeaker at full volume.

They played it forwards, backwards, sped up, slowed down, chopped up....every which way imaginable to drive him nuts.

He toughed it out, staying on that metal bed for five hours straight.

It really was pretty wild. Sadly, I doubt the show will ever be broadcast again after next week's finale.

Damn you people for not watching "The Mole".

Damn you people and America too.

"The Mole" RULEZ!!!


I'm stumped as far as trying to come up with anything else to write about, as you can probably plainly see.

I guess life's a lot more interesting when you cram it full of ignorant in-laws.

Perhaps I'll rectify the situation tonight.

We'll see.


Oh!!

Andrew's beginning to talk now!

He has said "Balloon" and "Bug".

This is in addition to "Bubbles", "Boat" and "Ball".

Naturally ... it all comes out "Buh."

And it all sounds the same.

But he points at the various objects, says "Buh" and we jump up and down and clap our hands and reward him with new toys every time he does it.

I have sired a genius.

A genius, I'm 'a tellin' ya...

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