current entry older entries message board contact
8:22 a.m. - 2002-07-31

TOMORROW I START THE WAR ON PICKLE RELISH

Somebody once wrote me an email a few months back, telling me that they worry about me because by reading my entries, they had determined that I watched way too much TV.

I wrote them back, asking "Wha' choo talkin' 'bout, Willis?"

Yeah, I probably do watch too much TV.

Which should be evident after today.


I'm still kicking myself for missing Bruce Springsteen on the "Today" show yesterday.

I had been reminding myself about this concert for a month now...every day... July 30th..."Today" show...three hours of Bruce.

So July 30th rolls around and what am I doing?

Dancing with my son to The Wiggles.

(Who, by the way, aren't nearly as creepy as I once said they were. I guess I'm numb to The Wiggles now. You've got four guys in their 20s, dancing and singing songs geared toward pre-schoolers ... what's so creepy about that?)

To make up for this television faux pas, I ran out during lunch yesterday and purchased Springsteen's new CD, which has been getting rave reviews for being the first disc to handle the aftermath of 9/11 in a delicate and elegant matter.

Unlike so many country tunes out there like "Kiss My Ass, I'm An American Flag" and "Let's Go To War (And Bleed Red, White and Blue)".

I listened to it yesterday, and gotta admit...the lyrics on the disc knocked me out. Especially "Into The Fire" written from the perspective of a firefighter about to go in to the Twin Towers to start rescuing people and "You're Missing" written from the perspective of a housewife/mother who lost her husband in the World Trade Center and her kids are asking when Daddy's coming home.

Man. It's some heavy, heavy stuff. And it's a fantastic album. Easily the best album Springsteen's done in 20 years. Easily.

Anyway, I really would have liked to have seen the Boss yesterday.


Sooooo then...last night's edition of "The Mole".

...It's Bill, people....mark my words....The Mole is Bill.

I know that more of you DON'T watch "The Mole" than DO watch it. But if you could do yer dear ol' Uncle Bob a favor and sign this petition for ABC to bring The Mole back, I'll love ya til the day I die.

And even after I die, I'll try really hard to keep loving you. But...you know...I'm dead and all. I can't make any promises that I'll still be loving you. I'll probably be more concerned with keeping the worms from going in my hollow eye sockets than throwing some lovin' your way.


Then... after "The Mole", I ended up watching an ABC News Special.

Lemme just say ... I NEVER watch ABC News Specials. You'd sooner catch me at the checkout lanes of Walmart, begging burly rednecks for handjobs before you caught me watching an ABC News Special.

But this one was all about how America is losing the War on Drugs.

And people...it's time we legalized drugs in this country.

Consider all the positives that would come from legalization...

It would free up BILLIONS of dollars to go towards other areas, such as education or the war on terrorism.

It would eliminate a great deal of the violence on the streets. As somebody put it on the show last night "You don't see people being killed in grocery stores over beer and cigarettes. Legalize drugs and the killings would stop."

It would save the prisons for those people who deserve to be there and not young mothers who wanted to smoke a joint after they put the kids to bed and got busted for that, leaving young children without a mother.

Not to mention the great deal of kids growing up without a Daddy because Daddy's in prison for dealing drugs to support his family.

There's an awful lot of sense in legalizing drugs.

And bottom line...America is spending billions of dollars on a war that it's NEVER going to win. We are NEVER going to be a Drug-Free America. It's ludicrous to even believe such a thing can ever happen. Drugs are EVERYWHERE. When you put a drug dealer in prison, his younger brother steps up to the plate to take over his spot. Young kids don't see putting drug dealers in prison as a deterrant...they see it as an opportunity to start making all that money.

Legalize the drugs as they have in Holland. You take a great deal of the glamour out of drugs when they're legal.

Some people are going to kill themselves using drugs. That's a fact. Some people don't know when to say "when".

But those people are going to kill themselves whether drugs are legal or not.

Some of you aren't going to agree with me on this stance. But dammit...you have to be passionate about something and I've decided that this is one subject that I'm going to start being more passionate about.

I guess, you really had to see that special last night in order to feel the way I do this morning about the subject.

Anyway....


What we REALLY need to focus on as a nation is ... The War on Arby's.

Specifically, the Arby's near my office.

I go there yesterday to get one of their salads for lunch.

I've gotten the salad there before...it's delicious. Most salads I can take or leave, but Arby's....man...damned good salad.

The first couple of times I ordered the salad, I added my battle cry for the lactose intolerant...."....And make sure there's NO cheese on that salad."

I was told at LEAST twice (I should have documented it....I should have documented it) that "Arby's doesn't put cheese on that salad."

That's why I love me some Arby's Salads. No cheese. Cheese, as we all learned in elementary school ...is nothing more than putrid moldy cow piss.

So anyway...I go through the drive thru and order my salad with all the swagger and confidence of a guy knowing he's about to get a salad with no cheese on it.

I pay for the salad,it's handed to me in a bag and I speed off towards the office.

Do I even HAVE to finish this story??

I get back to the office and naturally, some sick prankster has sprinkled cheese ALL OVER my salad.

So I spend 15 minutes, carefully picking up every lettuce leaf, every tomato and onion slice, every cucumber and shaking it vigorously over my trash can, trying to remove as much of the cheese as possible.

Finally, after those 15 minutes, I had a much less cheesy salad. I poured the salad dressing over it and attempted to eat it.

I'll be honest ... I couldn't taste the cheese. Mainly because the salad was drenched in dressing and I wasn't hardly chewing it, opting to swallow the salad whole.

But I knew the cheese was there.

Oh...it was there alright...clinging desperately to the lettuce like Anna Nicole Smith clings to ancient dying millionaires.

I ate as much of it as I could before the psychological warfare between my stomach and my brain began.

"You're eating cheese."

"No, I'm not, I shook it off."

"No, you missed some spots. That's cheese you're eating."

"Dammit, conscience...shut up! That's not cheese...that's uhhhh...shredded carrot."

"It's cheese."

"Shredded carrot."

"Cheese."

"Shredded carrot."

"Shredded carrot."

"Chee....DAMMIT!!"

"Ha! Told you! It's cheese, dude. You're eating putrid moldy cow piss and ENJOYING IT!!"

"No! I'm hating it! I'm mad, and I hate Arby's, and I hate this salad and I hate cheese!"

"Then throw it away."

"What?"

"Throw the salad away. There's the trash can. Toss it."

"Huh?? But I'm still hungry."

"Hungry enough to eat MORE CHEESE?!?"

"Fine."

I tossed the salad away, went to the snack machine, bought a small bag of Fritos and cursed Arby's under my breath for the rest of the afternoon.

Dirty bastards.


Here you go.

You can have your soapbox back now.

0 comments so far
The last one/The next one


NEW!!!Come and write some BAD EROTICA with the cool kids!

My Diaryland Trading Card
Now go write a Suck Ass Poem™
Write me a note here.
Read my notes here.
Hey! Take the Uncle Bob Quiz!
What the hell! May as well take the wildly popular Uncle Bob Second Quiz too!
Thanks Diaryland
Designed by Lisa


CURRENT - ARCHIVES - MESSAGES - EMAIL


Have you read these?

The End Of Uncle Bob - 12:28 p.m. , 2009-02-19

Losing Focus While Trying To Write A Blog Entry Is Cool. - 1:47 p.m. , 2008-12-04

Buck Up Junior, You Could Be Digging Ditches - 11:36 p.m. , 2008-10-31

That Sinking Feeling - 6:09 a.m. , 2008-10-28

Return Of The Karate Kid And His Slow Kitty-Lovin' Accomplice - 5:44 a.m. , 2008-10-22

Sign up for my Notify List and get email when I update!

email:
powered by
NotifyList.com

HEY YOU!
Click on the button below to order the book "Never Threaten To Eat Your Co-Workers: Best of Blogs" featuring Uncle Bob.
You WON'T be sorry.

DISCLAIMER


Read a random entry of mine.