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8:25 a.m. - 2002-08-01

MORE FUN THINGS TO DO IN BORING SITUATIONS AND YET ANOTHER RANT

I am easily amused.

Some people would attribute this proposed defective personality disorder to the fact that my mind is simpler than most. I would agree, but I have no earthly idea what that last statement could have possibly meant.

Those of us that are easily amused are usually looked upon by society as simpletons. We're generally regarded as the type of folk that are more interested in what materials can be safely wedged up one's nostrils than the knowledge they could discover in a good book.

This may be true in most cases. However, I've never crammed anything bigger than a car radio antenna up my nose so, once again, I can't say for sure.

So today, I have decided to share my tips on how you too can pass away an otherwise boring moment. There are plenty of situations one might find themselves in where amusing oneself will help one keep a loose grip on sanity.

For instance, here's some fun things to do at the service desk of Walmart:

* Grab a microphone to the store's loudspeakers and say "1-Adam 12, we have a fat lady stuck in a girdle in dressing room 7, hocccccccck, 1-Adam 12, fat lady ... girdle... dressing room 7, hocccccccck, over."

* Turn yourself in as a potential shoplifter.

* Keep using your knees to "fold" the person's knees in front of you in line until they get mad and walk away and you move up one closer.

* Sing "It's Raining Men" really loud without moving your lips.

* Ask for an application for your son, who's just turned three. Brag that he can probably clean "them candy machines outside there real good."

* Calmly announce that your infant has just falled down a well outside the store's front doors.

I find it difficult to say the right thing when my wife leaves town on a business trip. So I've prepared a snappy little list of witty things to say that will not only have her leaving with a smile, but thinking about me the entire time:

* "If I'm not here when you get back, I've come to my senses."

* "Of course I love you. You pay the bills."

* "That dress really makes you look fat."

* "Have a good time, hope you don't crash."

* "Would you hurry and get on the plane, the bars are calling my name, sister."

How many times have we all found ourselves in the awkward position of being in an emergency room getting our stomach pumped? Remember how hard it is to break the ice with all the panicked doctors running around? With these fun phrases, you're sure to have the emergency room in STITCHES!! (Pun intended)

* "This ain't so bad."

* "Lemme know if you find a Massachusetts license plate in there."

* "Wow. I haven't eaten bacon in months!"

* "I feel gassy."

* "Now I know what Rod Stewart must go through."

* "That's the LAST time I dip my Doritos in rat poison."

And finally, those long, quiet hours on the psychiatrist's couch. How many of us have laid there wishing we could think of the right thing to do or say so that your psychiatrist will have something to work with? Next time, slip one of these gems into the session and see what kind of twist the relationship takes.

* When relaying your problems, keep asking "You're not going to spank me...are you?"

* Keep insisting that you're not crazy. It's your invisible friend Sparky who's nuts.

* Ask them to join you on the couch.

* Babble on and on until the psychiatrist figures out that you're really confessing Steven Spielberg's problems and not you're own. Complain a lot about how the making of "Jaws" almost ruined your career in Hollywood.

* Put on some romantic music and ask the doctor to dance while you talk.

* Set a roll of toilet paper on fire and throw it behind the doctor's curtains. When they ask why you did that, say "I sincerely thought it would be funnier than it actually was."

By applying just one or even all of these crazy little ideas into your normal mundane life, I guarantee your life will become ten times more exciting than it currently is.

After all ... when was the last time you spent a night in jail?


So I guess some of you are against my whole gung-ho approach to legalizing drugs that I discussed yesterday.

Judging from the emails, messages and notes that I received, many of you who are against the legalization of drugs have come to this conclusion because of someone they know who is a drug abuser who has made their life a living hell.

My retort?

There are people out there who are going to abuse drugs, legal or not. Today's drug abuser is getting those drugs illegally and obviously not having a problem obtaining those drugs.

Yet our government is spending BILLIONS of dollars each year to make sure that those drug abusers do NOT get the drugs.

So even though we're spending billions of dollars to keep drug abusers from drugs, the abusers keep getting drugs with no problem.

So this WAR on drugs is a losing battle, correct? We can wage war on drugs and drug dealers until the cows come home, but drug abusers are still getting their drugs. So, in essence, we're flushing billions of dollars down the toilet. Sure, we're putting drug dealers and drug users and senior citizens who have begun selling drugs to make ends meet since their social security wages were stripped away from them by the government because the government ran out of money ... because of this war on drugs ... in jail. And that's good. That's where desperate old people whom the government has ripped off belong...in prison.

But the drugs are still there. And they're still being abused.

This war is a never-ending battle which America can NEVER win. Yet, our governing powers are too proud and stubborn to admit it and keep asking for more money each year to wage this war that cannot be won.

As the former Surgeon General Jocelyn Elders said "We can't even DISCUSS the legalization of drugs and putting a stop on the War on Drugs. The government won't even entertain the thought."

It's insane when you think of all the different places that those billions of dollars that we waste each year could be put towards.

...Back into the Social Security coffer so that people can retire and get what's rightfully theres instead of having to work until the day they die to pay the rent.

...Into rehabilitation centers where we could send drug abusers instead of prison. And HELP them rather than put them in prison for 10-20 years only to let them out and see that the world has passed them by and they have no skills now to make it in the world so they go back to what they know...hustling drugs.

Someone asked how I'd like it if drugs became legal and my son grew up and became hooked on drugs.

You know what?

I'd be THRILLED.

Why???

Because then...rather than my son going to prison for his addiction, he could go to rehab. There would be zero chance that my son would spend the rest of his life behind bars like millions of other people are doing and he would stand a much better chance of being rehabbed and getting clean and making something of himself.

...IF drugs were legal.

I don't have my head in the clouds over this matter ... my son WILL try drugs sometime in his life. His daddy smoked pot for 20 years. His mom ... believe it or not, flirted with smoking the herb herself in her early days.

I'm doing the best I can, raising him in the church and hoping that he gets a strong spiritual background in his life.

But I don't fool myself into thinking that I can keep him away from drugs. I can't be with him 24-7 when he becomes a teen.

And if drugs are legalized with strict regulations on their usage, there's a damned good chance that if he ever gets caught by the police with drugs, he'll get a slap on the wrist and it won't ruin his life.

There.

Sorry to bore some of you with my rantings.

But as you might be able to tell ... it's something I feel kinda strongly about.

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