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8:23 a.m. - 2002-09-04

MAYBE I'M AN IDIOT BUT ...

I'm bound to piss some people off with this one today, but so be it.

I need to fully grasp what it is that attracts gay people to each other.

I just do not understand the appeal of homosexuality. I'm not here to gay bash or spread some hate ... I just can't figure out for the life of me what makes a guy take a look at another guy's penis and say "I've GOT to have me some of THAT!!"

Y'see ... I love women. I feel as if I can protect a woman because I'm a big strong man without the big strong man odor, which, by all accounts, is pretty disgusting in itself. We’ve got this big strong guy at church and man…lemme tell ya…the dude reeks like the men’s room of a slaughterhouse sometimes.

I also like the fact that when I get naked with a woman, she's different. She's got those and she’s got that and to the best of my knowledge, she doesn't have one of these. It’s like an adventure, or a roller coaster ride. I see a naked woman and it’s like “WHOOOO!! Uncharted territory!!”

But what's the appeal for a gay guy? You go cruising for a man, you find one you're attracted to, you get him back to the bedroom, he strips down and then....what??

I mean...to me, that's gotta be a bit disappointing in the whole sexual conquest portion of the relationship. Your guy strips down and it HAS to be anticlimactic. You look between his legs and ... well...damn...you've already got one of those. What fun is that??

I guess a gay guy could argue that he's on the quest for the perfect penis and nuts or something. That's cool I guess, because penises are probably like snowflakes. If you inspect them long enough you're bound to find something different in each of them.

But what if you're a gay guy, on the quest for the perfect penis and you find it??

I mean…how embarrassing is that? Your man gets all naked and he's dancing to some old Pet Shop Boys tune or something and you get a glance at his crotch and he’s got the pecker of a Greek God.

And there you are, laying on the bed with your shriveled up embarrassment of a pecker that can’t hold a candle to his magnificent penile instrument??

Man....that's gotta be an awkward situation for both of you. First, the gay guy on the bed is coughing and shifting to avoid any kind of scoping out of his willie. Mr. Adonis is probably thinking..."Damn...here I am with this hunk o' meat dangling between my legs like a side of beef in a butcher shop, and my boy on the bed's got a miniature version of it. What the hell am I supposed to do with that thing? Use it as a paperweight or something??"

I'm sorry, but at that point, it'd probably be best to grab a checkers board and go to town with a rousing game of checkers and forget that you ever got naked in front of each other. Because if you go ahead and have sex, Mr. Adonis gets the short end of the stick. Literally.

I just don't see the excitement on getting your hands (or mouth) on something you've already got.

It's like going to an Italian restaurant with a friend and you both order lasagna. When the lasagna comes, it's the exact same size and portion and the two dishes look exactly alike.

But one of you has an insatiable desire to taste the other's lasagna. Even though it's the exact same thing ... the other one can't wait to put it in their mouths. They taste it and even though it's the same thing that's on their plate, they can't get enough of the other's lasagna.

You know? If you want it so damned bad...EAT YOUR OWN! YOU HAVE THE EXACT SAME DISH IN FRONT OF YOU!

Now granted...most gay people can't perform oral sex on themselves. If they did, I doubt we'd ever see them out in public, don't you think? They’d be all rolling around on the floor like a bowling ball, head over heels.

But does that kinda thing ever happen in restaurants?

And I'm talking about the sharing of the same dishes...not watching gay guys perform oral sex on themselves for everyone's entertainment.

NO!

Because the rules of sampling each other’s dishes are simple … two people order different dishes and if they want, they can sample each other's dishes then and that's somewhat acceptable unless one of the two has a cold sore and is spreading some pretty rank germs to the other one at which time all bets are off.

I can understand how men would rather be in the company of other men. Women are cool for the most part, but every now and then they can get to be a bit much. I mean...even other women don't want to be around them 24-7.

That's why I think lesbians have got to be some of the coolest people on earth. Lesbians have something in their brains that makes them love other women unconditionally. Sure...lesbians have their share of fights and stuff, but they can put up with women much better than your average heterosexual guy can and for that, I applaud the hell out of them.

But when it comes to getting naked with each other ... talk to me, girls. What the hell is it that you see in each other?

I've seen my share of live vaginas in my life. I'm guessing that if you toss all of the strip club gals in with all the partners I've had, I've seen probably 200 real live naked vaginas in my lifetime.

And unlike penises ... man ... there ain't a whole helluva lot of difference between coochies. I'm almost apt to say ... seen one, you've seen 'em all.

Sure, there's always the pruning of pubes to be taken in to account when first getting someone else naked. Do they? Don't they? Will they? Won't they?

But after the initial thrill of seeing your lady's artistic talent in transforming her pubic region into a topiary-like masterpiece ... then what?

In their defense ... I've never seen two pairs of breasts exactly alike. So I will give you lesbians that. You can be a boob gal and that's cool. I'm a boob guy. I can completely relate to that.

And as long as I'm at it, lemme just lay off the gays for a second and say ... what is it with "Leg Men"??

I've never been into legs. I have legs. I want to see something different. Something I don't see every day in the shower with streams of urine running down them.

The same with "Ass Men". A gal's got a nice ass. Great. Wonderful. Good for her. Somebody hand Ass Girl a medal, please.

But the next time you get around a mirror, drop your pants, turn around and check out your ass in the mirror. Hers is exactly like yours without the gross amount of ass hair that you've accumulated, Chico.

Being a "Boob Man" though...yeah, we've got boobs. But our boobs aren't nearly as cool as women's boobs. Women have it GOING ON in the boob department. Big, small, long, short, black, blue, hairy, wart-covered...it doesn't matter. Boobs are cool.

Boobs are Fonzie. Asses are Potsie. End of story.

Back to the gays ... yo, gay people ... Uncle Bob loves you.

I didn't mean for this to come across as bashing or anything. I think gay people are cool. They're funny, and sweet and thoughtful, except for some of those bull dykes who wield more attitude than a pitbull driving a Porsche.

I do not hate gays. I do not think their lifestyle is wrong and if I owned a newspaper, I'd put their marriage announcements in the paper.

I just don't get the thrill of lusting after something you already have tucked in your own undies. The only thrill for me about going gay would be that after sex you can roll over and turn on a football game and no feelings are hurt. And there's no talk about your future or what color you should paint the bedroom walls or anything. That would be pretty cool and may even be worth sucking a honker for.

I’m just saying I don’t understand the appeal of homosexuality and I’ve done the best I could in explaining why I’m straight (‘cause girls are different…remember?)

If it’s any consolation to the large amount of gay people who read this, I feel the same way about people who like cheese. And people who like Star Wars. And people who consider “American Idol” to be entertaining.

I just don’t get it.

If you feel like trying to explain to me why you crave the same genitalia that you’ve been carting around since birth, drop me a line and shed a little light on the sitch.

(That’s short for “situation”. I just felt like trying to coin some hip new phrase.)


You know…I bet Lance Bass feels like a real ass right about now.

He’s been talkin’ smack for the last few months about how he’s going to be the first tourist in Outer Space, blah blah blah and now the Russkies have stepped up to the plate and said “Lance…Dude…you didn’t come off the scratch in time, hommes. We hate to say it, but you’ve been ‘N Sunk. Have a good time on planet Earth. We’ll write when we can.”

I mean…how embarrassing, huh?

I was thinking that the Russians probably started thinking just how agonizing it would be to take Lance up in space. He’d probably be doing all these dance steps up there, trying to see if he could moonwalk in outer space and everything. Probably humming “Bye Bye Bye” for the first couple of million miles as some sort of joke.

I think they did the right thing by telling him to stay home. I mean, if all the other astronauts are male and over the age of 12, there’s just not a whole heckuva lot to talk about in space with Lance Bass.

LANCE: “Soooo…did you guys catch the MTV Video Awards?”

RUSSIAN #1: “Nyet.”

LANCE: “Wow…it was sooo cool! I was like…dancing in my seat as I watched it.”

RUSSIAN #1: “Shut up.”

LANCE: “Cool.”

(Silence)

LANCE: “Soooo…you guys wanna do some harmonies?”

RUSSIAN #2: “Say one more word and we catapult your ass back to Earth.”

LANCE: “Cool.”


Finally, I should have an announcement here by the end of the week which is bound to upset at least some of you.

So prepare yourselves.

It's something I've known about for a while and can't share with you just yet.

I should be able to spill the beans by Friday.

So stay tuned.

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