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8:35 a.m. - 2002-09-05

BUFFY THE DAMNED PILE LAYER

I DEMAND that you people read this today. It is one of the funniest, most politically incorrect things I've ever read. And if you don't get it ... Charleton Heston has Alzheimers.

As I told Omar in an email ... I'm just glad I didn't write it because I wouldn't want to sit in the shit storm that he's about to be hit with.


First off ... I'd once again like to thank Weetabix for writing yesterday's entry for me while I battled the ants from hell in my apartment.

But....had I known she was going to write a bunch of crap about what attracts gay people to each other, I would have NEVER let her fill in for me!!

You can bet on that, Buster!

Yep!

You betcha!

I mean...the nerve!! Use your own site to spread the hate, Weetabix!! Asking gay people to explain why they're attracted to each other's genitalia!! I NEVER!!

Gah!!

That's the LAST time I ask her to try and write an Uncle Bob-like entry for me!!

Doesn't she know that I'm a deacon in my church?!?

I mean...sure...if a gay man asked me to explain my attraction to female parts, I wouldn't take offense and would try to shed some light on the subject.

But turn those tables around and YOU'RE ASKING FOR TROUBLE, MISSY!!! Gay people don't need to explain their attraction!! They just love each other for each other and genitalia doesn't come into play in the situation at all!!

GAH!!!!

You'd THINK she knew that!!!

Although I did like her line "Boobs are Fonzie. Ass is Potsie."

She's so true on that.

Oh well, forgive her and show her much love. She's cool.

(Uncle Bob nervously wipes the sweat from his brow)


It's amazing the amount of crap that can get done to a home being built when there's a fire lit under an ass or two.

Went out to the house last night and actually had to break in, because they're at the stage where they're locking the doors which is good. That means the house is at the point where homeless people and crack heads are taking a glance at it and saying "Damn! Let's set up shop in there for a few days!" and it's moved past the crackhouse stage.

Which is a really lame way of saying that it's looking good in there now.

Thankfully, my wife has that gene where she's able to take a credit card and break into a place. I handed her my Texaco card last night and in five seconds we were inside our house.

Me? I'd fumble around with the thing like a one-armed teenage male virgin trying to remove a girl's bra and finally collapse to the ground, sobbing that I wasn't man enough to break into a home with a credit card.

The dishwasher and microwave and kitchen sink are in. The AC unit is in. The water's running. The light switches are all up. The garage door was put in yesterday. The back patio has been extended and is HUGE now. The mailbox is up. The fireplace mantle's up.

Today I have to meet Tad the Builder out at the house early to show him where we want the fence in the back yard. We're looking at a $5,000 fence right now, since the backyard is huge and we want most of it fenced in.

Two weeks from this very moment, I will be writing an entry from the confines of my new office off the kitchen and be nearing the end of my vacation.

There's nothing like the thought of a five day vacation to motivate you at the workplace.

I have to work seven more days, then I get that big five days off, bookended by two weekends.

I ain't gonna know what to do with myself.

You know...besides surf for porn on my high speed internet connection. But that only lasts for about five minutes each day and then I'm bored after that.


So I watched "American Idol" again last night for the second time.

I just don't understand the phenomenon behind this show. Granted, I only watched it for the last two weeks, but does ANYONE really think this Kelly gal is going to be an American Idol?

Sure...millions of little girls and housewives may buy her first single and make that a gold single simply for nostalgia purposes. But when this clean-cut former waitress has to go up against today's stars like Pink and Eve and Madonna and all those other one-name women, does she have what it takes to dethrone them?

I think it's presumptuous to EXPECT America to embrace this gal. Essentially, we're handing this gal a crown and saying "Here ya go! You're now a million-selling superstar" without her even stepping foot in a recording studio.

The music that she's going to record isn't exactly what teenage America is listening to. She's basically doing "Housewife Rock" which is not meant to be a slight on housewives by any means. Today's kids are more into getting their freak on and proclaiming that their lovers are just like pills only slightly larger and with a pulse.

The only artists doing songs like Kelly's going to be doing are Celine Dion and Mariah Carey and Whitney Houston when she can put down the crack pipe long enough to record a tune.

And during one of the Motown medleys, was it just me or were the guys lip-syncing...and doing it HORRIBLY?

Sorry...but if they're lip-syncing on a talent show ... that defeats every purpose of the talent show and proves that it's all a sham.

Maybe if I had watched it from the beginning, I would have been squealing with delight and throwing rose bouquets at my TV screen last night at the end.

Instead, I was eating popcorn, scratching my nuts, and wondering what the hell all the fuss was about.


So, wow...I guess you heard that Sarah Michelle Gellar and Freddie Prinze Jr. got married over the weekend.

But did you hear that Sarah Michelle had to be rushed to the hospital on the wedding day due to dehydration brought on by Montezuma's Revenge??

Okay...it's bad enough that you get Montezuma's Revenge, which for those of you that are clueless...we're talking explosive diarrhea. The kind that can shatter your average porcelain toilet with one blast.

That's bad enough.

It's slightly worse when it happens on your wedding day. That's slightly worse.

It's HORRIFUCKINFYING when the media finds out and the news is plastered all over "Entertainment Tonight", "Us Weekly" and "TV Guide Online".

"Sarah Michelle Gellar spent her wedding night shitting her guts out in Mexico."

If you and I get Montezuma's Revenge, it can ruin a vacation ... sure.

But AT LEAST we wouldn't turn on the television and see "Long-time Diarylander Uncle Bob is vacationing in Mexico and can't stop stopping up local toilets with his astronomical amounts of liquid feces."

Can you imagine how poor Sarah Michelle must feel?? She's in the bathroom, making a big pot of shit soup in the toilet and Freddie keeps peeking in and giving her the latest.

FREDDIE: "Mary Hart just sent her well-wishes to you on Entertainment Tonight and Bob Goen did the same."

SARAH MICHELLE: "Thanks (grunt) honey (SPLAT)."

FREDDIE: "So...uhhhh...maybe tonight?"

SARAH MICHELLE: "Yeah sweetie...maybe tonight. (grunt) That is...if you want me splashing your balls in diarrhea while you're schtupping me, you insensitive fuck."

I used to kinda have the hots for SMG.

You know...up until I heard this story.

Now...every time I see that girl on TV or in the movies...I'm going to associate her with explosive diarrhea.

And I dunno about you. But that's not a good thing in my book.


That's it from my side of the monitor. Go out and enjoy your day.

And don't drink any Mexican water.

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