THE LAST APARTMENT UPDATE

Happy Friday the 13th, you unlucky bastards!!

For me, Friday the 13th will always be associated with GOOD luck.

It was after taking Stacey to the original "Friday the 13th" in 1980 that we went parking and she let me play with her boobs, opening up the Wonderful World of Boobage to a young and inexperienced Uncle Bob.

(I just wondered...what would happen if Stacey, the girl who took my virginity and ran over it several times like it was a rabid raccoon, were to stumble across this diary? Do you think she'd sue me for talking about her wanton 17 year-old sexuality ad nauseum?)

Also, while we're on the subject of boobage, yesterday I said I hadn't touched another woman's boobs in 20 years. That figure was off by a few years. Twenty years ago, I was handling more boobs than a handsome ob/gyn, having been a sophomore in college. I met Susie in 1986. So it's been 16 years since Boobs a' Plenty were off limits to me. Not that this is any concern of yours or anything, but I'm just setting the record straight. I don't want anyone doing the math and thinking I went through a horrific dry spell from 1982-86. Although 1983 was particularly cruel to me as far as tit honking goes.

I cannot really see that today will be an unlucky day for me. Although it's starting off plenty unlucky.

Susie and Andrew stayed home from work and daycare respectively yesterday. Susie's been having a horrible sore throat, while Andrew's been coughing up lung cookies that would make Betty Crocker proud.

They both went to the doctor yesterday. Susie has tonsillitis. Andrew has a severe ear infection.

I don't see how a kid can have an ear infection and his chest be all congested. I'm no doctor, but I don't see the connection between the two except for the fact that the kid's ear is near his chest when they're toddlers. Not that he's deformed with an ear sticking out of his sternum or anything ...I mean.... his ears are where they need to be on his head... but they're in close proximity.

So neither one of them are at 100%. I'd put Susie at 53.... maybe 54%. Andrew's slightly higher at 58%.

Which means one thing...this weekend...the weekend that was designated our "Freak Out and Pack Everything Up" weekend has fallen squarely in my lap.

Y'see...we move on Tuesday.

And ... well...y'see.... we haven't begun packing yet.

Now remember.... we just moved in here three months ago. We only unpacked the boxes that we thought we would NEED to unpack. Toiletries ... food...pots and pans.... etc.

But we still have a great deal of packing to do.

And only ten boxes to pack in.

Susie swears that we still have the boxes that we unpacked stuff out of. But I cannot find them anywhere in this godforsaken apartment. They're hiding like bin Laden.

I'm sure everything will be okay in the end. But currently, I'm fully entrenched in the whole "Freak Out" part of the weekend.

For those of you that are curious ... after today, I won't be updating again until Tuesday evening or Wednesday morning.

Next week is my vacation so I won't be at the office to update this beeyotch.

We're scheduled for the cable guy to come out to the house on Tuesday sometime between 6 a.m. and midnight to hook us up with da digital cable and the return of a high-speed cable modem for this here computer.

This means that those of you who used to love reading Uncle Bob with your morning coffee will be placated with the return of Early Morning Uncle Bob. No more updating at 8:30 a.m. We're talking updates by 7 a.m. EST. Or sometime there after.

And the occasional WEEKEND updates!!

Can you say "Whee!"?

But...there won't be an update this coming Monday or Tuesday morning.

Maybe you'd feel like reading what I did on September 16 & 17, 2000. Or check out my thrilling post-September 11th entries from 2001.

Or maybe you can just get on with your life and take a four-day break from this crap.

It's totally up to you.

Anyway...because of the high price of digital cable, the movie channels and the modem and our new home, we've decided to forsake the movie channels, which equal about $30 more a month.

I'm having a dilemma.

I'm seriously thinking about cornering the cable guy and saying "Sooo...I hear that if I slip you $100 cash, you'll quietly hook me up with the movie channels. Any truth to that rumor?"

And then waving two $50 bills in front of his face.

Yes ... technically it's stealing cable.

But technically ... I PAID to steal cable.

So is it really stealing?

Yes...I know it is stealing. That was a hypothetical question.

The truth is ... we don't watch the movie channels that much.

But I NEED my "Oz" on HBO. I love "Oz". This is the last season for "Oz." I must have my "Oz".

It's worth $100 to watch "Oz". To see Nazi bastards getting sodomized in the prison shower...man...I'd pay a grand for that.

Mattie Gee didn't order the movie channels.

But he's got every single one of them.

The kid that hooked him up was new and frustrated when he came to hook Mattie Gee up. He just flipped all the switches or whatever it is that cable guys do and BAM! Mattie Gee has all the movie channels.

I guess every Sunday night at nine, I could walk the ten feet to his house and watch "Oz" there.

I've already got Edweird taping every episode for me.

But I want it in MY house.

In my new Home Theater.

Hopefully, I'll get the same kid that Mattie Gee got come to my house.

I'll frustrate him somehow. I'll keep asking him who cuts his hair or something. Over and over again, like I'm brain damaged.

I dunno. I'll think of something.

But dammit...I want my HBO.

I've paid for it for almost 20 years. I wonder if they'll just say "Oh, you've been a great HBO customer for 20 years. Here. Take it for free."

You know...kinda like the MP3 deal. I bought albums, tapes and CDs since the early 70s. Now I don't pay for music anymore.

Same difference.

Right?

So since my wife and son are knocking on death's door, I had to drive out to the house by myself last night to check the progress.

Originally, I wasn't going to go out there. The house is basically finished and the guys are just touching up the last minute details... cleaning up the driveway ... spackling small holes in the walls ... etc.

But after about five minutes of my wife and son whining about their throat and ear respectively, I was all like "Whoa! My ass isn't stickin' around for another minute of this shit!"

So I drove out there.

Wow.

They had all the blinds up in the house. That was also one of the last things they had left to do. I was concerned about this, because ... well ... we had everything put into our mortgage and apparently ... there's a cap put on your mortgage after a certain amount of stuff being put on there.

We've added over $13,000 worth of stuff to our mortgage rather than pay each individual thing off.

The marble shower.

The jacuzzi.

The home theater.

The computerized keyless entry.

We upgraded the carpet and the vinyl floor.

The speakers outside and in the bathroom (The bedroom speakers had BETTER be free ... dumbasses...).

So when it came time to put the blinds up, I was told by our realtor "WHOA!"

"Whoa?" I asked.

"We can't keep putting stuff on your mortgage," she explained. "Your mortgage cannot exceed the value of the home."

"Hmm," I hmmmed, pretending that I knew what she was getting at. "I wish someone had told me this, or I would have never went so hog wild."

"You're a grown man," she said. "Don't you know these things?"

"Well, in my defense...I've only purchased one other home in my life and that was a shithole," I said.

"Well ... here's the deal...we can't foot the bill for everything," she said.

"So no blinds or fence in the backyard?" I pouted.

"We'll see," she said. "Let me juggle some figures."

So anyway...pulled up yesterday and we had blinds.

Pulled in the driveway and ... hold onto your horses or animal of choice.... but we had FENCE POSTS!!!

That's right, kids.... I now have EVERYTHING that I wanted in this house!!!

(Except HBO. But that's negotiable)

And it's all on the mortgage!!

Well...except for the shower door.

I want a clear glass door so that my wife can watch me masturbate in the shower, ala "American Beauty" and realize just what a pathetic asshole she married.

Okay...that's not the real reason I want it. I want it because it looks cool. A clear glass door where you can see inside the shower to me is awesome. Especially when you have a big marble shower behind it.

They're putting in the shower door today.

That thing had BETTER be clear.

I say this because Mattie Gee's shower door isn't clear. It's frosted.

Granted...his marble shower was a freebie because the builder and realtor and owner think he's God or something while they despise me because I've been such a pain in their collective asses for the last six months.

So they probably couldn't give him a glass door because it's too expensive or something.

I dunno.

All I know is...I'm going out there at lunch today, since they've begun dead bolting the house at night so we can no longer get in to check the progress inside.

And if there isn't a glass door on the shower ... builder heads will ROLL, my friend.

Maybe.... just maybe.... I�ll update this diary sometime today if I can find a little time out of my work day to let you know if I got the shower door or not.

Man.

I bet you're on pins and needles just WAITING for that news, huh?

This is kinda like the final moments of "American Idol" or something. Where I'm drawing out the suspense over several hours.

I'm like Alfred Hitchcock.

I'm the master of suspense.

That was Alfred Hitchcock...wasn't it??

Anyway...if you don't hear from me...have a great weekend and first part of next week.

I'll be back on Wednesday, reporting live from the new house.

Goodbye apartment!!

Write when you can!