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6:13 a.m. - 2002-09-27

CAPTAIN SUBWOOFER MEETS HIS MATCH

We've been in this house for ten days and I STILL can't find my trusty wrist pad for my keyboard, which means I'm risking the chance of some SERIOUS Carpel Tunnel Syndrome typing this crap out for you people.

Yes...I'm trying to shame each and every one of you for reading this journal. How pathetic am I?


You wanna know something that's really cool to say?

This works in almost every setting. Whether at the workplace, in a classroom or amongst friends.

Look as serious as possible and say "According to my calculations....you suck."

It helps if you're looking at a note pad while you're saying it.

Try it. It works. Everyone will back up for a moment and stare at you with that stare that says "Man....this person is TOO. COOL."


Soooo...Captain Subwoofer came over to the house last night.

He was a punctual bastard, I'll give him that. The clock struck 5:30 and BOOM! There he was in a cloud of smoke on my front porch.

We stomped out the flaming bag of dog shit together and I let him in the house with the subwoofer.

He gets on the floor and starts arranging the thousands of wires behind my entertainment center. He gets a cell phone call at 5:35.

"Waddap, Dawg?" he says into the phone, sliding into wannabe-white boy-gangsta mode. He mumbles a bunch of nonsense to the person on the other line and says "I should be home by 6 or 6:15 at the latest."

Now...I've made my share of drug deals over the phone in my past. I know the lingo that's used and the crazy shit that is said. Stuff like "I mowed my grass today and you need to come pick up the clippings". Or "I've got lots of weeds in my back yard, you should check them out."

Clearly, Captain Subwoofer was working out some sort of drug deal on the phone.

And clearly, Captain Subwoofer thinks that after making me wait all this time for him to complete my home theater system that I'm just going to let him saunter out of here on time so he can either go pick up his drugs or sell some of his drugs.

BWAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAAAAA!!!

He did not know he was dealing with Uncle Bob ... aka Mr. Phuckuback.

So the guy gets all the wires hooked up when I say "You think we could get the shelves back in the entertainment center? It surrrrre gets hot in there without 'em."

See, last week when Captain Subwoofer's trusty sidekick Stereo Boy came out to the house to install everything but the subwoofer, he made the ignorant decision to remove all the shelves out of the bottom of my entertainment center because in his words "The components won't all fit in there with shelves in there."

I'm no mathematician, but according to my calculations....you suck.

(See??)

Captain Subwoofer checked his watch. It was 5:45. If he was going to make his drug deal on time, he'd have to be leaving any minute to get back into town. It takes 15-20 minutes to get into anything that even resembles "town" from my house, and he was already running late.

"I think so," Captain Subwoofer mumbled. "Where are they?"

"I think they're in our bedroom," I said, slowly getting off the couch like an old man with bad hips and shuffling to the bedroom.

I went to the bedroom, saw the shelves and then just stood there and stared at them for a minute. This bastard had made me wait for three days while my subwoofer sat on the floor of their showroom. It was time I made him wait for me.

After a minute of staring, I took the shelves back out to him.

He got the first one in okay but said the second one would be tough.

I told him to try, because it was the second one that I was concerned about. When all those components are stacked on top of each other...it surrrrrre gets hot. I have to turn everything off and let it all cool down with the door open. I shouldn't have to do that. I paid good money for everything in there and I don't wanna have everything overheating.

(I was playing the dumb rube role to the hilt)

So he starts bundling cords up and trying to take up as little space as possible while checking the clock.

5:55 p.m.

He gets everything in there and still can't get the shelf back in. He admits defeat in the war of shelves.

"But," he said. "Don't worry about everything getting hot....that's okay. It's supposed to do that. It won't hurt anything."

Spoken like a true stereo salesman.

So then I ask him to show me how everything works now.

He sneaks a quick glance at his watch and then rushes through the basics which I already knew.

But...in his haste to go pick up his weed, I noticed he had rewired a few things and the whole system wasn't running as smooth as it once did.

So he says stuff like "Push this button and the DVD player comes on."

He pushes the button.

No DVD player.

Again.

Nothing.

So he pushes another button on another remote and we have DVD player. So now...instead of pushing one button for the DVD player, I must push TWO.

No.

I want it to be like it used to be before he came over.

One button. DVD Player.

Not two.

One.

One, Forrest ... one.

So Captain Subwoofer checks his watch, pulls the components back out of the entertainment center and starts yanking wires out and sticking them wherever.

It still takes two buttons to turn on the DVD player. He can't fix it back to how it used to be.

I sigh and say "Fine". Why, I don't know.

He's getting ready to go, but I want him to make sure the DVD player's working properly and all the sound's being distributed correctly.

"Jaws" is in the DVD player. He cranks it up.

It starts. Except you can't hear anyone talking. Nobody. Their mouths are moving but nothing's coming out.

Captain Subwoofer is baffled by this. The next disc is Bruce Springsteen Live in NYC and that seems to be working fine. You can hear Bruce plain as day.

But "Jaws"....nothing.

I had noticed this Wednesday when I hooked up my DVD player.

(Oh....did I mention that I got my new DVD player from Crutchfield?? Ordered it on Monday and got it on Wednesday. It's not even available in stores yet or on most place on the Internet. But Crutchfield had it and in two days it was mine. It rawks! Crutchfield rawks! How on earth they're able to get something to me in two days, when my subwoofer and leather chairs have taken weeks to arrive just boggles my freakin' mind!)

So he was hitting all these buttons on the remotes, trying to get the characters to speak and then finally declared my "Jaws" disc as defective.

"It's worked before," I said, checking out the clock.

6:30.

The guy was going to be late, late, late for his drug deal now.

But dinner was ready for me, the boy was hollering that he wanted his daddy to come play trucks with him and I figured I had kept Captain Subwoofer long enough.

I let him go and he hauled ass like a professional asshauler.

We ate dinner and watched "Survivor" where the geriatric team voted off the one hottie they had on the team which completely blew my mind. Helloooo?? You're on this island for 39 days. Your chances of actually winning the million bucks isn't that great. The most important thing to keep on the island are HOTTIES. Hotties will keep you sane and motivated. Sheesh.

Dumbass Survivors.

So then I check my new DVD player manual and lo and behold...I didn't have everything hooked up right.

Duh.

That's why nobody's speaking on my "Jaws" disc. Or any other disc that I tried.

I can dig it.

I'm changing the wires out tonight. And then..maybe...finally....I will have an authentic Home Theater System that properly works.

We'll see.

Alright...it's after 6 a.m. and you guys are waiting for this thing so I'm ending it here.

Have a good weekend.

Oh...I finally updated the Army list and removed the dead diaries that I could find. If you run across and dead diaries, any password protected diaries or anything else like that, lemme know. I need all the room in the Army list that I can get.

Rawk on.

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