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5:36 a.m. - 2002-10-15

BEHIND CLOSED DOORS

Ahhhhhhhhhhh...

Seven and a half hours of rest.

I feel like a new man.

Paul New Man.

HA!!!

I made a funny!!

Lookit me, Ma!! I'm Mr. Comedian!!!

Eh.


So yesterday, Susie took the day off from work to sit at home and wait on the revolving door of repairmen who were supposed to come fix everything in the house.

Electricians, glass replacers, painters, window scrapers, carpenters, etc.

At 10 a.m., she calls me at the office.

"Nobody has shown up yet," she says.

"Sorry," I say. "I'm sure they'll be there soon."

"I'm leaving at 12," she said.

"I thought you were taking the day off to wait on these people," I say.

"Well, I'm not going to waste my whole day sitting around here and waiting for people who aren't going to show up," she said.

So I call the builder guy who organized all the repairmen to get here.

"I'll have everyone there by noon," he assures me.

"Thank you, builder guy," I say.

I get a call at 11:45.

"Only the electrician has shown up," Susie says. "As soon as he leaves, I'm out of here."

It goes without saying that I have always been the one who sits at home and waits on the cable guy, the phone guy and whoever else gives you a large window of time that he'll "be there" only to have you sit around and wait all day for them.

"Honey,"I try to reason. "You said that you were taking the whole day off. I really wish you'd stay home and wait for these people. I'm sure they'll all be there eventually."

"Noon," she says. "Builder Guy said they'd be here by noon."

"Fine," I sigh. "Go to work. God knows you have to go to work on a day off to that job where they're trying to force you to quit."

We hang up after a few tense words.

At 1:30, Builder Guy calls me.

"Unca Bob," he says. "I am sooooo sorry that my men didn't show up to fix everything. I've called each one of them and told them that if they don't get there by 2:00, they're fired."

"Okay," I said. Keep in mind...I've been awake since 1:45 a.m. after a scant few hours of rest.

"I just need to know how I can get in your house," he says.

Duhhhh ... okay George.

So I give him the code to punch in our keyless entry to get inside.

You know...like an idiot would do.

So after I hang up with him, I panic. I just gave the guy our code to get in our house where he's going to be letting in several unsupervised strangers into our home to do whatever they need to do to our house.

I sit and wait on 5:00 to hurry up and get here. At 4:55, I slide out the back door, get in the car and haul ass home.

Nobody's here.

And apparently, the only guy that showed up was the glass replacer guy. Meaning I have clear glass doors on my marble shower. Which is nice but now there's no privacy when you're showering.

It looks like everyone else has been "fired".

Which means we have to reschedule everyone to come out again to fix everything.

Great.

Just freakin' great.


So I'm laying on the couch last night, barely awake at 6:30 p.m. as Susie, Andrew and Pervy show up.

Pervy makes a beeline for Andrew's bathroom.

Fine. The kid has to pee. It's a long drive from one side of town to the other.

Five minutes go by.

Fine. The kid has to shit. Kids have to shit every now and then. It's nothing I want to be a part of ... but it happens. Rather...shit happens.

Ten minutes go by.

The kid's constipated. It happens to the best of us. I hear Donald Trump's been constipated before. He's not necessarily the "best of us", but he is in that new McDonald's commercial and that makes him better than me.

Fifteen minutes go by.

The kid is clearly whacking off in there.

As it turns out, Susie had to pick up Pervy...then Andrew...then take a pretty co-worker home.

Pervy was in the same car as this pretty co-worker for 30 minutes or so. I bet she probably smelled nice too, because she's pretty and pretty girls usually smell pretty too.

The kid couldn't wait when he got to our house. He didn't even say hello to me. He just ran in that bathroom, locked the door, and spanked that monkey until it squealed in pain.

He finally came out after being in there for over 15 minutes.

I made Susie go in there to get me some aspirin.

She brought them out to me.

"Did it smell in there?" I asked.

"No," she said, with a peculiar look on her face. Like "Hey...why didn't it smell in there??"

I shuddered.

"What?" she asked.

"He was whacking off in there!" I hissed.

"Nooooo," she said. "He's too young for that."

"He's FIFTEEN," I hissed. "He's in the prime whacking stage of his life."

She shuddered.

And we just stared at him as he stood there and watched The Wiggles silently with Andrew.

I would have REALLY been worried if he watched the four young men who comprise The Wiggles and THEN ran back to the bathroom.

Luckily for him, he didn't.


That's it...I've gotta go. The local news show is having a feature on Sleep Apnea in a few minutes and I've got to catch it.

Plus...I've got semen stains to go scrub off the bathroom tile.

And they're not even mine.

A big "ewww" all around.

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