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4:34 a.m. - 2002-10-21

DADDY AND ANDREW'S EXCITING ADVENTURE

Tired much?

Hell yes, I'm tired much.

Could NOT get to sleep last night. Finally dozed off about 2 a.m. and was awoken at 4:15 a.m. by the dog who just HAD to go outside and check out this rain that we've had all night long.

Didn't have to pee. Didn't have to poop.

Just HAD to go outside, walk around in the mud and see how much mud she could get on her paws to traipse around on our brand new plush carpet with.

"You can't take the dog to the Humane Shelter," Uncle Bob's Army says in unison. "That's just inhumane!!! Regardless of the irony in that statement!!!"

Fine.

Let's see YOUR ass get two hours of sleep and then have to get up to let a dog out and then go around and try to quietly remove mud from a carpet.

Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr indeed...


Susie left for Louisiana yesterday afternoon.

Which means I'm a single parent until late Friday night.

Which means ... all hell's going to break loose as soon as she walks out the door.

Case in point??

Shit....you want a CASE IN M.F. POINT?!?!?!

Fine.

Let's start with this.

For those of you looking at that picture like complete imbeciles, trying to decode what you're seeing like most people over the age of 40 were staring at those 3D pictures that were all the rage about 8 years ago ... that's about as close as my son would let me get to his split lip yesterday afternoon.

Y'see ... Daddy was trying to cook. Cook, cook, cook.

Andrew wanted Daddy's attention. Daddy! Daddy! Daddy!

Daddy said "How about we put a Wiggles tape in the VCR in Daddy's office and you can dance to your heart's content while Daddy cooks? Cook, cook, cook!"

Andrew said "Apple Ball!" which means "Sounds like great fun to me, Pops!"

Daddy puts a Wiggles tape in and Andrew begins dancing.

Andrew gets excited and gets in Daddy's computer chair to dance. The one that swivels and rocks.

Daddy says "No, Andrew. No dancing in the chair! You can hurt yourself that way!"

Andrew gets out of the chair.

...Until Daddy's back is turned again.

Andrew realizes that Daddy's chair is the shiznit for dancing in. Since it swivels and rocks, it adds mucho effect-o to his dancing capabilities.

So as Daddy cooks and the Wiggles sing, Andrew secretly climbs back up in Daddy's chair and begins to dance once again.

All of a sudden, Daddy hears a terrible racket. Similiar to Mariah Carey having her toes gnawed off by mutant rats.

Daddy rushes to the office and there's Andrew on the floor on top of the chair which has fallen over from too much crazy dancing.

Daddy picks up Andrew and hugs him because Andrew is petrified right now. This is the first time that Andrew has ever fallen from a distance face first to the floor.

Daddy's rocking Andrew with Andrew's head to his chest. When Andrew pulls his head back, Daddy notices blood.

Everywhere.

All down Daddy's shirt. All over Andrew's face. All over the floor. There's more blood than your average Friday the 13th sequel.

Daddy panics. Daddy grabs a cold cloth and presses it against Andrew's mouth where most of the blood is coming from.

Andrew squeals.

Daddy curses the entire state of Louisiana for no certain reason.

Daddy calls Andrew's doctor and tries to tell the doctor what's going on but is having trouble because thebabywon'tstopcryingandthere'sbloodeverywhereand

whatdoIdowhatdoIdo?

The doctor explains that with a cut on the lip, there WILL be a lot of blood. Daddy's shirt is now soaked in blood.

The doctor explains that since the cut is on the lip, it's OKAY. It will heal soon enough.

Daddy notices a lump on Andrew's head and claims it's a concussion.

If the baby is listless and wants to sleep a lot, it's a concussion. If not, it's not.

The baby has now stopped crying and is back in Daddy's office watching the Wiggles and dancing CAREFULLY.

Daddy sighs.

Daddy goes back to cooking. Cook, cook, cook.

Daddy's cooking spaghetti so that Baby Andrew and Daddy can eat for several days off of one meal. This way, Daddy doesn't have to cook every night while putting Andrew on stepladders to dance or anything equally stupid.

Andrew's all cleaned up and has a hellaciously swollen lip, lump on his head and scrapes all over his nose and upper lip.

Daddy tries to call Mommy to tell her that he sucks as a single parent, but Mommy hasn't turned her cell phone on yet.

Darn that Mommy!

So Daddy's cooking (cook, cook, cook), Andrew's dancing (dance, dance, dance), the dog is farting (fart, fart, fart) when the power goes out.

Out, out, out.

Hmmmm.

Now Daddy's not an expert on all things sucky. But geeeoddamn....this fucking sucks.

Andrew wants to know why the Wiggles have stopped entertaining him. The dog is freaking because it's a thunderstorm and after 12 years on this planet, she still hasn't figured out that thunderstorms aren't going to kill her. And Daddy wants to cry.

Cry, cry, cry.

It's 5 p.m. Raining. Thundering. And now Daddy has to stop cooking (because Daddy INSISTED on getting an electric stove/oven rather than a gas one like the old house because the gas one "gave him headaches". Stupid Daddy. Stupid, stupid, stupid).

Daddy cleans everything up in the kitchen and sings Wiggles songs to Andrew while Andrew stares at him and wonders why he's not Australian and gay like the Wiggles.

Daddy moves everyone into Andrew's playroom which seems to be the room with the most amount of natural light in it. Here they play games like "I Wonder When The Fucking Electricity Is Coming Back On" and "Let's Really Wish Hard That Mommy Will Answer Her Cell Phone To Tell Us Where She's Hidden All The Candles And Oil Lamp".

Whee! Whee! Whee!

As darkness quickly approaches, Daddy's forced to devise a game plan.

Where can Daddy go on a rainy Sunday night that Andrew can not stand out like a sore thumb?

Gee, Daddy REALLY wishes he had asked Mommy where the church keys were before she left. He could go to the Church and let Andrew play in the nursery and everything would be great!

Alas, Daddy's a major dumbfuck of epic proportions and when Mommy said "Will you need the church keys this week?" he quickly responded "Hell no!"

Think, Daddy...think!

Daddy thinks...the malls are closed. Toys R Us is closed. Restaurants are out of the question.

What's left???

....Daddy and Andrew pull up in the Walmart parking lot just as the rain starts to come down in buckets.

Daddy gets Andrew out of his car seat and they make their way through the massive puddles and get inside.

Daddy buys them both a Happy Meal at the McDonald's inside, being careful not to make eye contact with the gang members who are apparently having a convention in the restaurant.

Andrew eats a few fries and almost chokes on his Hi-C. After 30 minutes of slowly eating French Fries, Daddy calls home to see if the answering machine picks up.

It doesn't.

It's 6:45.

Daddy takes Andrew back to the video section where Andrew spots a "Monsters, Inc." display.

Andrew apparently loves Monsters, Inc. now. They watch it every day at daycare and he stays glued to the television there.

Daddy picks him up the DVD of Monsters, Inc. It won't do him any good because there's no power in the house, but Daddy doesn't care. Daddy's delerious at this stage.

Andrew wants to take out ALLL the videos and DVDs from the Monsters, Inc display, sit on the floor and surround himself in a circle of the same DVD and videos.

Daddy quickly explains to the large, menacing clerk at the counter that Daddy will be putting everything back as soon as Andrew tires of this game.

Large, menacing clerk glares at Daddy. But Daddy's too weak and tired from his day to glare back.

Daddy and Andrew then go look at flashlights. Flashlights would be a GREAT thing to have when they get back to the house!

Daddy checks out every single flashlight that Walmart sells before deciding on a Value Pack of flashlights. Three flashlights...one for Daddy, one for Andrew and one to cram up the dog's ass without lubrication if she gets any more mud on the carpet.

Daddy steers the cart towards the toy department, where Andrew has to sit down and flip through every single children's book that Walmart sells. Once again, he surrounds himself with Dora the Explorer coloring books, staring dreamily at his cartoon lover. That Dora. She's so worldly and she's older and she hangs out with a monkey named Boots.

Plus, she speaks Spanish. She's Andrew's hot Latin lover. Even if she's only six years old in cartoon years.

Daddy calls home. No answer on the answering machine. It's now 7:30.

Daddy and Andrew go through the toy department, pushing buttons through the clear celophane of the toy packages and watch every single talking doll talk to them.

Then Andrew sees it....the push chime.

The push chime is pushed by toddlers as they walk and it plays music. I can't explain it any better than that. I've had a little more than two hours of sleep after a hectic day, brother....YOU try to explain it.

So Andrew pushes the push chime around the toy department. Up and down the aisles, bumping into whoever may be in his way.

He pushes it to the gardening center which is void of any customers. Yes...on a rainy Sunday night, Walmart is surprisingly close to empty in certain sections of the store. The Garden Center being one of those sections.

So Andrew pushes his Push Chime back and forth, back and forth, back and forth.

It's now 8:30. Andrew pushed his Push Chime for an hour straight. So long, that the Push Chime no longer works. Seriously...it's out of freakin' music.

Daddy finds a Corn Popper, which is similar to the Push Chime except it doesn't play music, it shoots little balls around in its plastic dome, making a racket similar to that of a gunfight.

Whee! Whee! Whee!

Now Andrew has a push toy for BOTH hands.

So Andrew's all over the Garden Center, pop pop popping his corn while Daddy begins to fatigue quickly.

Daddy finally calls the house one more time.

No answer. No electricity.

Daddy says "Screw it". Out loud. Loud enough for the Garden Center employee to look up from her magazine and wonder what Daddy's about to screw.

Daddy swoops up Andrew and his Push Chime and his Corn Popper and puts all three in the cart.

Daddy reaches in as he's pushing the cart, pulls the Push Chime out of Andrew's hands and haphazardly puts in on a toy shelf as he walks toward the front of the store.

Andrew doesn't like this. His swollen, scabby lip begins to curl as he screams his case.

Daddy informs Andrew that Daddy's hard-earned money doesn't grow on trees and Daddy's not about to buy him a toy that's obviously broken, even if Andrew broke it himself. There's no witnesses and by God...Sam Walton's family has more money than Daddy. They can eat this one.

Andrew has honest-to-God tears pouring down his face over this. Andrew wants the Push Chime!!

Tough shit, kid. You're getting a Corn Popper, a "Monsters, Inc." DVD, a new Wiggles video and a freakin' Happy Meal. Live with it.

Andrew isn't happy.

Andrew and Daddy get to the checkout lane where the checkout lady wants to know what's wrong with Andrew.

"He's tired," Daddy mutters.

"What happened to his lip?" the lady asks.

"He was dancing in a chair at home and fell out," Daddy replies. "Then the power went out in the house and it's been out for the last four hours and we've been up here for two and a half hours, trying to keep him entertained. It's been one of those days."

"Are you a single parent?" the girl asked.

"I am now," Daddy replied.

The girl then wanted to tell Daddy all the pitfalls of being a single parent. All the trials and tribulations she's gone through with her three kids and no Daddy to take them to Walmart when the power went out.

This Daddy sympathized with her and realized that he has it lucky. That for one week he has to live like this, while this woman has to live with it every week of her life.

But...you know...he only sympathized with her for like ten seconds. This is Daddy's life we're talking about...not Walmart Checkout Lady Who Can't Keep Her Legs Closed's life.

Daddy lets Andrew push the corn popper out of the store which makes Andrew hap, hap, happy.

Daddy and Andrew head home to a darkened house. Daddy wonders how he's going to get inside the house in the dark but he will find a way because he's the Daddy. Daddy normally depends on the electric garage opener to let them in, but it's not working now because the g-damned electricity is out.

Daddy's phone rings. This can only be good news.

It's Daddy's neighbor, Mattie Gee! He just got home and the power's back on!

Hallelujah!!

Daddy pulls up in the driveway and the lights are on in the house.

Daddy prays and thanks Thomas Edison for kicking ass in the mosh pit of innovation.

Daddy and Andrew go inside where Maggie the Dog is still freaking out from being in a kennel in total darkness for the last three hours.

Daddy gives Andrew a careful bath, trying hard not to scrape his lips up any worse. He then puts the tired baby to bed, where Andrew falls asleep almost instantly.

Mommy calls and Daddy tells Mommy all about their crazy day. Mommy sounds concerned about the lip, but Daddy insists it'll be alright.

Daddy wonders how the fuck Laura Ingalls and her ragamuffin family ever lived like this in that little house on the prairie and then goes to bed.

...Where he tosses and turns for the next four hours before finally falling into a light sleep.

Until 4:15 when the dog wants to go out and trek in some mud.

This is Daddy's life.

So now you know...THE REST OF THE STORY.

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