current entry older entries message board contact
11:06 p.m. - 2002-10-24

UNCLE BOB NARROWLY ESCAPES DEATH ... PLUS A FUN NEW GAME!

BOOOOOO-YAHHHHHH!!!

WE GOT YO’ ASSES, SNIPERMAN AND ROBIN!!

You know what’s been eerie? Every time I saw stuff about the sniper on TV, they always talked about “Montgomery County, Maryland”.

Well…Uncle Bob lives in Montgomery County, Alabama. So every time I’d hear Katie Couric talking about Montgomery County, I’d grunt “Huh??” and quit fondling myself for a second.

And then I’d be all “Oh…THAT Montgomery County.” And go back to slapping the weasel.

But now, we find out Sniperman and his trusty sidekick Easily Influenced Boy started their crime spree right here in my neck of the woods. Montgomery, Alabama.

The Alabama liquor store that they’ve been showing on the news where the woman was killed was just a mere block from where I USED TO WORK BACK IN THE 1980s!!!

Right across the street from that liquor store is a restaurant that I’VE EATEN AT A FEW TIMES!!!

Nearby is a KFC where a few years ago I stopped and got a THREE PIECE SNACK, ALL DARK MEAT WITH JUST A SIDE OF MASHED POTATOES AND TWO BISCUITS. NOTHING TO DRINK. HEY ... AM I SUPPOSED TO TIP YOU? DO YOU MIND IF I ASKED HOW MUCH YOU MAKE PER HOUR?

What I’m trying to say is ... well ... it could have been me. I COULD HAVE BEEN KILLED BY THE SNIPER!!!!

You know…if I had actually been working in a liquor store on the other side of town and was wearing my “I Ain’t Afraid Of No Snipers” t-shirt at the time of closing. Or if I happened to have driven the nine miles to the liquor store to get a bottle of cheap tequila so I can fix the wife a Poor Man's Margarita (ie several shots of cheap tequila).

You know..it’s kinda freaky to see your police chief and Mayor on the Today show.

If you see our Police Chief on CNN or anything, the only connection I had with him is he's seen me do my comedy act, because I remember being introduced to him after a show. After that, I tried to stay away from the guy as much as possible.

By the way, if you see our Mayor Bobby Bright on the news in the upcoming days, talking about the sniper….I was once his unofficial bodyguard.

Me and Mattie Gee.

So you can see him on TV and say “I know his former bodyguards. Kinda.”

And the room will be silent.

And then your dog will look at you and think “That’s great. Say…mind if I go back to licking my own ass now? I mean...that's a thrilling revelation and all...but...well....I've got dog ass over here that needs licking.”


And oh...I'm not trying to make light of people's deaths by any means.

My goofy exhuberance is actually relief that the sniper has been caught and the endless killing spree can end.

Kin I git an 'Amen'?


I bought my son Andrew the E.T. DVD

My buddy Edweird asked me why I was buying my son a “sci-fi flick”.

I never claimed Edweird was smart.


I saw the President's airplane today.

He flew in to our city and then went to Auburn to speak to a bunch of rowdy college students who kept screaming "War Eagle!" which is Auburn's battlecry because every college should have a battlecry.

He spoke, and then gets on the airplane, flies back to Montgomery and flies off to Washington or Vegas or Kelly Clarkson's tour bus.

....I'm not tryin' to spread any rumors that our president is boinking an American Idol. But the two are getting awfully chummy here lately.

Anyway, I'm sitting in rush hour traffic and his planes are flying back to our airport and then back to his next stop. I saw some weird looking planes and then Air Force One fly over.

I was all like ... "Andrew...there's the president. Wave."

Andrew waved.

I saluted.

God bless you, Mr. President.

Don't let the door hit ya in the ass.


Wouldn't it be wild to be the President?

In the morning, you're camping in Montana. You go to a luncheon in San Francisco. An afternoon speech in Alabama. And boink Kelly Clarkson in Milwaukee before dinner.

I'd be all like..."Who's your president, Kelly?? Who's your president??"

(You know...instead of "Who's Your Daddy?")

Because...well...I mean....isn't that one of the American Idol's duties? Satisfy the American President whenever and wherever?

I mean...I missed the first couple of episodes, so I never heard all the rules, but I think I read it on the Internet.

Thus...say it with me....it MUST be true.


Andrew's doing this new thing.

He has these flashcards. Baby Einstein flash cards.

The kid goes apeshit over these cards.

He's now sitting on the floor and surrounding himself in a perfect circle of flash cards. Like he's all King of the Flash Cards or something.

Each one of the cards has been placed PERFECTLY in this circle. He's really anal about it. That kinda bothers me. I don't want a fussy little anal baby. I want a cool baby who may make a circle around himself with flashcards and if a card's a fraction of an inch off its mark....no big deal.

To MY kid, it's a big deal. It's a big assed deal. It's a "Daddy, I'll Alert The Neighbors With My High Pitched Screams If Every Single Card Is Not Placed Perfectly In This Circle" sized deal.

So he gets in this circle...everything's perfect.....

...And he looks at me and waits for my cue.

I stare at him.

He stares at me.

I squint.

He squints back.

I move quick to try and catch him off guard.

"Show meeeeeeeee.....THE DUCK!!" I say, like I'm hosting "Family Feud" all of a sudden.

He gets in excited mode....he's staring down at each flash card ... he spots the Duck card and lifts it high in the air.

"YAYYYY!!" I say, clapping my hands like Leonardo DiCaprio in "What's Eating Gilbert Grape?"

(Did a porn movie ever get released called "Who's Eating Gilbert's Grape?" No?? I always thought that'd make a killer porn movie title. Like a mystery porn movie...Gilbert's getting his grape eaten in his sleep every night and he tries to determine which of his sexy neighbors in the apartment complex is doing it. Conventionally, after "interrogating" six of these neighbors, the seventh one is the mystery woman who's been gobblin' Gilbert's nutsack like a neurotic squirrel. They kiss, have oral sex while he's awake and they live happily ever after. The end.)

Anyway...I clap, Andrew claps and then it's "Show meeeeee...THE DOG!!"

And it repeats. Anyway....he knows all the flash card except for "Grapes". You could duct tape the "Grapes" card to his eyes and he still wouldn't figure it out. He'd be all ... "What?? What grapes?? Where??"

So .... you know....that's his new game.

He really loves it too, which is nice because it stimulates his brain.

Andrew thought we should name our fun new game. So I thought long and hard about it and finally decided we'd call it "Let's Bore The Complete Living Shit Outta Daddy".

I think I may have hurt his feelings.


That's it from my end of the wires. I hope each and every one of you have a safe and wonderful weekend and that those of you in the Washington area, you can exhale now.

Post Script. A lot of people have brought it to my attention that one of my literary heroes Chris from notmydesk.com. has been writing about getting the chance to write for a book for a publishing company in Alabama for a woman named Wendi this week and wondered if it was just coincidence that I work for a publishing company in Alabama and my former boss was a woman named Wendi. All I can say is check it out, read the last couple of entries (they're all on one page...blog-style I guess you'd call it. I dunno. I call it "All on One Page")and make up your own mind.

1 comments so far
The last one/The next one


NEW!!!Come and write some BAD EROTICA with the cool kids!

My Diaryland Trading Card
Now go write a Suck Ass Poem™
Write me a note here.
Read my notes here.
Hey! Take the Uncle Bob Quiz!
What the hell! May as well take the wildly popular Uncle Bob Second Quiz too!
Thanks Diaryland
Designed by Lisa


CURRENT - ARCHIVES - MESSAGES - EMAIL


Have you read these?

The End Of Uncle Bob - 12:28 p.m. , 2009-02-19

Losing Focus While Trying To Write A Blog Entry Is Cool. - 1:47 p.m. , 2008-12-04

Buck Up Junior, You Could Be Digging Ditches - 11:36 p.m. , 2008-10-31

That Sinking Feeling - 6:09 a.m. , 2008-10-28

Return Of The Karate Kid And His Slow Kitty-Lovin' Accomplice - 5:44 a.m. , 2008-10-22

Sign up for my Notify List and get email when I update!

email:
powered by
NotifyList.com

HEY YOU!
Click on the button below to order the book "Never Threaten To Eat Your Co-Workers: Best of Blogs" featuring Uncle Bob.
You WON'T be sorry.

DISCLAIMER


Read a random entry of mine.