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6:04 a.m. - 2002-11-19

TRAMPS LIKE US, BABY WE WERE BORN TO BITCH ONLINE ABOUT EVERYDAY OCCURANCES THAT MOST PEOPLE WOULD MERELY SHRUG OFF

Well, after putting it off last week, the talk with Pervy took place last night.

It was really pretty uneventful. Sorry to disappoint those of you who expected a major blowout with firearms creeping their way into the story.

Basically, he was dropped off at the house and wasn’t too thrilled that we were watching The Wiggles toot toot chugga chugging in their Big Red Car™ for about the billionth time so he got up and wandered in the direction of my office without a word.

“There he goes,” I whispered to Susie.

“Do you want me to take care of it?” she asked.

I thought for a split-second.

“Nope,” I said, getting up from the couch. “I’ll do it.”

I followed him in there and sure as hell, there he was sitting in my chair at my desk with my mouse in his hand, getting ready to check out www.nakedfarmanimals.com or whatever he THOUGHT he’d be looking at.

“Pervy,” I said. “I just wanted to let you know that your Aunt Susie and I have been checking out what you’ve been surfing for over here and that we have decided that it’d be best that you no longer used the computer here.”

“What?” he asked, but it wasn't a tone like he didn’t understand me. More like “What? What sites could I POSSIBLY be looking at that you wouldn’t approve of?”

I explained to him that even though I’m pretty much computer illiterate, I DID know how to check the history of sites visited on Internet Explorer and that for the past few weeks, I saw that he had been looking up some disturbing sites. I reminded him that this was about the fifth time I’ve caught him doing it at our house and that it was the LAST time and that he was no longer allowed to use the computer.

He had the Pervy balls to ask “Forever?”

I confirmed that yes…he was forever barred from using my computer.

He said it wasn’t fair and that most of the time when you punish someone, you do it for a set amount of time. I reminded him that I had given him four other opportunities to NOT surf for porn and that he had gone back to it each time. And that this wasn't PUNISHMENT ... this was a rule. There was a difference. He wasn't being punished, he was given a new rule that he would follow.

I also told him that he wasn't allowed in the office anymore without supervision and even then he still couldn't get on the computer.

He got up from the chair with about as much attitude as a goofy little perverted dipshit can possibly wield.

And that was that. End of discussion. He went out to the den and picked up the latest Entertainment Weekly, watched "Office Space" on Comedy Central and sulked for the next two hours.

Whether or not he ever tries to get back on the computer is anyone’s guess.

Whether I allow it to happen is no guess at all. He’s NEVER allowed on my computer again while I’m in that house. And if it happens while I’m out of the house, that kid’s gonna have Armageddon rain down on his ass like he’s never had it rain before.


Soooo…since very few of you really cared to play my little guessing game yesterday about what today is….today’s the day that I lose my Boss virginity.

Yep…tonight I’ll be front and center, jamming out to Bruce Springsteen and the E Street Band.

I’ve been a big fan since 1980. I’m not a fanatic who follows him from city to city and thinks everything he’s ever done was golden. I’ll admit when the guy’s put out some crap and that covers most of the 1990s.

But this is the day I’ve been waiting forever for. I’ve always said there’s one artist left that I wanted to see live and that’s the Boss.

Tonight’s the night.

And I’ve got butterflies every time I think about it.

In 1980, a roommate of mine had an extra ticket to go see him. I decided to pass on it and go out with my girlfriend instead.

Bruce is still around. She isn't.

In 1984, during the "Born in the USA" tour I tried to get tickets and was unsuccessful. Everything sold out instantly.

In 1987, I had a chance to see him on the "Tunnel of Love" tour but had to work.

In the 1990s, he had abandoned the E Street Band and was honestly putting out some suck-ass shit back then and I had no interest of seeing him.

But now they're all back together and supposedly better than ever.

I've always heard that seeing them live is the closest thing you'll get to a religious experience in a concert hall if you don't count the big Hall and Oates/Air Supply double bill that's working its way across the country right now.

I didn't sleep well last night. At one point, I dreamt that I heard Bruce fired the E Street Band yesterday and was going to be performing solo tonight and I was ultra-bummed.

It was just a dream.

Tonight's the night.

This is really going to be kinda comical...the first concert I've ever attended where the audience is going to be full of balding, paunchy guys my age with their fists in the air acting like kids again.

I'll be sober for the first time at a concert since I can't remember when. THAT in itself will be wild.

The last official concert that I can recall attending was Counting Crows and The Wallflowers back in 1998 or so.

I haven't been this excited for a concert since 1979 when I saw KISS for the first time.

Watch. With my luck, I'll probably have a heart attack at work or something and not be able to go.

I can't promise an update early tomorrow. I won't be getting home until at least 1 a.m. and will probably sleep in in the morning.


And now I’d like to talk to the parents here today. Or anyone really that can give me some advice.

Andrew’s two now and still not talking much. It’s a lot of gibberish with the most discernable words being “Apple” and “Ball”. Past that, the kid just doesn’t say much.

The doctor was a bit concerned about this and set us up with a speech therapist.

The speech therapist said to take him in for a hearing test first.

Susie took him for his hearing test yesterday and he’s got fluid behind his ears, which he’s had continuously since the early days.

The doctor NOW wants to put tubes in his ears. I was kinda leaning that way after the third ear infection for the boy, but the doctor kept saying “Nooooo…let’s put it off some more.”

My question to you is … how many of you out there have kids who’ve had this done?

I know it’s a pretty common thing and all, but I just want to hear some stories from other parents whose kids weren’t talking much and then had the old tubes in the ears.

Am I nervous about this?

Yeah. I’m a bit nervous. I want to do what’s best for the boy, but we’re talking surgery here and he’s my baby and he’s just … I dunno … for the last two years, he’s been my baby and I have never entertained the notion of being a nervous father in a waiting room while my baby’s been knocked out and is undergoing surgery.

We’re going through with it. December 6th.

I’ve done a lot of research on the web and all the links say it’s minor surgery, nothing to worry about and that he’ll hardly know he’s got tubes in his ears.

Still…if any of you Moms or Dads out there have any advice, let’s hear it.


Speaking of Moms and Dads, Diaryland’s own Sushipig has just had one of the most adorable little girls in the free world that you can check out by clicking the link I just provided you.

Daddy Levontaun is now going to have to practice his “Gosh darnits!” and “Freaking”’s just like I have had to do.

Good luck to both of them. I think they’ll make fantastic parents and I’m not just saying that because they both have impeccable HTML skills.

Wait. Wait. Yes I am.

HA!!!

No really. I'm sure they'll be good parents. Like the Beatles said "All you need is love".

Well ... love and a shitload of diapers.


I burned my tongue on some meat loaf last night.

I hope this doesn't impair my enjoyment of the Boss tonight.

Heh.

Like I'll be tongueing his ass or something.

Sheesh.

GET OVER IT, BOBBO. YOU'LL MAKE IT TONIGHT.

Sorry. I just can't believe the day has finally come.

I wasn't this excited when I lost my virginity.

Then again, there wasn't 10,000 people screaming when I lost my virginity.

There was only one.

And she was screaming from boredom while I fumbled with the condom for the better part of an hour.


Alright...I've got shit to do. I've gotta go practice my air guitar in the mirror in case Bruce is scanning the crowd tonight, sees my fat ass playing the air guitar in row 9 and invites me on stage to jam out to a little "Born To Run" action.

I want to make sure I have the imaginary E chord down just right.

You can never be too prepared for Springsteen.

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