MY COMPUTER'S SLOWER THAN A ONE-LEGGED DOG

Ugh.

I hate my computer with a ...hmmmm...hatred that ....uhhhh...is like.....ummmmmm....

YOU SEE?!?

This damned computer has sucked out my ability to form ignorant metaphors!!!

I HATE IT!!

The only time I can connect to the Internet is early in the morning. After 7 a.m., it's a lost cause. It's been this way for four days now.

After 15 minutes, I have to reboot the machine because everything slows to a crawl.

And worst of all ... I think my computer is secretly sleeping with my wife behind my back.

Alright fine...it's NOT sleeping with my wife behind my back.

But ...you know ... I hate it just as much as if it had been doing it.

Two weeks ago, I did a Compaq Quick Restore which takes everything on your computer back to the day that you first received it. It wipes out everything you've added to your hard drive and takes you back to the bare minimum.

Once I did that, I loved my computer. I frolicked with it. We held computer hands and watched the sun go down. I took it on a picnic and read it poetry while drinking cheap wine and squashing ants on it with my thumb.

Then...Tuesday, all that fell apart.

It went back to acting all bitchy and non-commital.

I asked myself..."What did I do? How did I screw up this relationship?"

Naturally, I took full blame for the falling out.

My computer went silent. It wouldn't help me at all.

Since my major problem was being able to connect to the internet, I called tech support for Charter Communications.

I spoke to a guy who kept me on the phone for 30 minutes.

Finally, the guy wanted to do some ping and diagnostic tests on my machine and told me he'd call me back in 15 minutes.

That was two fucking days ago.

Have I heard back from the guy?

No.

Am I able to get on the internet?

Yes.

From the hours of 4:30 a.m.-7 a.m.

After that, forget it.

I REALLY want to do the Quick Restore thing again. It takes 30 minutes or so, but then you have a brand new machine again.

Except.

Well.

I did something stupid yesterday.

Thinking that my internet was back up for good, I went ahead and ordered that "Speeding Ticket" book that is not only going to save me and my wife from having to pay for our recent speeding tickets, but also serves as a wonderful doorstop.

It's an ebook and now that I have to restore my hard drive, I'm going to lose the whole thing before reading it.

I just sent a lengthy email to the author of the book, basically begging him to hook me back up with a new copy of the book once I get my hard drive squared away and rebuilt.

Hopefully, he'll realize I'm not trying to rip him off and will get me a new copy of it. Because so far...what I've read makes complete sense and should be able to help anyone and everyone get off from having to pay a ticket.

These are NOT cheesy ploys like "Keep postponing your trial date until the cop forgets about it!" or "Call the police station and find out when the cop's vacation is and then schedule your court date for that time!"

Nope... this book gives you the information you need to point out that the usage and maintenance of the actual radar gun the cop used is more than likely not up-to-date.

As the author states at the beginning ... this book is primarily written for policemen because it's telling everything you need to know about a radar gun and how to save your butt if someone like me gets ahold of it and meets you in court and begins to baffle you with my trademarked bullshit.

I can't wait to read it all, but I have to restore my machine first and get rid of whatever is slowing this damned thing down.

Soooo...the "Survivor" finale last night.

That was the FIRST time I haven't been shocked by the outcome and the first time I clearly picked the winner from the first few episodes.

Hell, I picked the final two early on. It was a no-brainer.

Anyway... my buds know I'm a Survivor nut and to leave me alone on Thursday nights.

Except for Dr. Eric.

Dr. Eric calls me 50 minutes into the show and wants to shoot the shit.

Actually...he KNOWS I'm watching "Survivor" and is really just trying to see how long he can keep me on the phone making lazy conversation before I just hang up on him.

Yes. These are the type of people I consider "Friends".

What he didn't know is that he called during the boring part of the show where they're having to remember all their fallen comrades as they put little floats out in the water. I hate that part of the season finale. All this cheesy music playing while we see clips of the people who didn't make it to the end and how much they really meant to us.

The first couple of ones are always kinda funny, because they were only with them for a few days. So there's not much to show of them.

The first girl voted off...Tanya...they showed a clip of her VOMITING. Now THAT was funny. All this cheesy, maudlin music playing, and this girl is being immortalized by a clip of her puking her lungs out.

So when Dr. Eric called to keep saying "How's it going?" over and over, expecting me to hang up on him, I actually could carry on an equally boring conversation back at him while I watched the screen.

He, his wife (the lovely, but equally evil former boss Wendigo), Edweird and his lovely wife Ramona were sitting in the theater in giddy anticipation for "Lord Of The Rings 2: Electric Boogaloo" to begin.

I made mention several times of what big geeks they were for going and seeing this movie. Granted, I KNOW I'm in the minority and I KNOW that there's enough geeks out there to take this movie to unheard-of box office records. I don't need people pointing out the popularity of the movie to me. That just means that there's a race of ubernerds in this world that are proud of their geekiness. Just don't count me amongst them.

Anyway...Dr. Eric says "Would you like for me to stand up and announce that Uncle Bob thinks we're all geeks to this crowded theater?"

I was DYING for him to do this. I thought it'd be hilarious.

He really shouldn't have even mentioned that, because I wouldn't rest until I had cajoled him into doing just that.

Finally, he stands up and announces in a loud voice that I think they're all a bunch of geeks and then holds the cell phone out.

I hear a smattering of boos.

Dr. Eric gets back on the phone laughing and said that several people shot him the bird.

Which is funny in itself, because I had no idea that Lord of the Rings fans were cool enough to even know how to shoot a bird. They probably had to remove the wadded-up Kleenex from their nostrils and adjust their broken glasses held together by tape at the bridge first before they shot the birds. But they shot them nevertheless.

The evil former boss Wendigo chirped up.

"I really wish you wouldn't do those kinds of things," she hissed at her husband.

He cackled madly and the commercials had ended, so I told him to fuck off, I was going back to my show, but thanks for announcing to the theater that I thought they were all chunky anti-social dickweeds.

Geeks...chunky anti-social dickweeds ... same difference.

Watch...my message board will light up with chunky anti-social dickweeds defending their lust for a bunch of furry little hobbits and elves by the end of the day.

It's actually kinda funny to watch people who have no sense of humor about themselves try to defend their complete and utter geekiness.

As I've stated, I still watch pro wrestling. But if somebody bashed it, I'd know enough to keep my trap shut about it because I'm fully aware that watching pro wrestling is a geeky thing to do.

The difference between me and a LOTR fan...I don't show up for wrestling events when they come to my town, dressed as my favorite wrestler and gush over how excited I am that Brock F'n Lesnar may actually make an appearance as I pull out my authentic Hulk Hogan replica bandanna that I paid $200 for to let everyone "ooh" and "ahhh" over.

*cough*

The wife and I are having a Holiday Open House at our new home tomorrow night.

It should actually be halfway successful, judging by the amount of people that said they'd be here.

Originally, it was going to be people from church, my work, her work, our neighborhood and old friends coming by.

Then we kept procrastinating at announcing it.

And a girl at work announced that she would be hosting my office Christmast party at her house on the same night.

So people at my work have the option of either attending her fun Christmas bash ... or my sedate Open House with eggnog and hot apple cider.

I sent out a company email, practically begging people to go to her party even though I was having a "party" too. I emphasized how her party would be fun, while mine would be more quiet and subdued.

Mainly because our "party" will be a great deal of old retired people from church. We never got around to inviting our new neighbors except for Mattie Gee and his delightful wife Cate which is a given because they're friends first, neighbors second.

Outside of them, I didn't invite old friends. I just completely forgot about the thing until the last few days.

Susie invited some people from her work but never invited any old friends.

Anyway...lots of cleaning and cooking to do for a buncha church folks.

Which probably sounds more fun than it will actually be.

Have a great weekend...Happy pre-holidays!!!