UNCLE BOB GETS CRANKY WHEN HE'S MEDIA-DEPRIVED

Today marks the ...I dunno ...third day that the Internet's been down at my house?

Fourth??

I've lost track.

I mean ... technically it's been down off and on since Thanksgiving. It's a crap shoot as to if it will be up or not. But I know it's been off completely now since Sunday afternoon. That was the last time I was able to access the web.

This is kinda frustrating when you're paying two bucks a day to have this super-duper fanfuckintastic cable modem that all the commercials on television are telling me that I "must" have.

Still ... losing the internet is no big deal compared to losing the cable TV. Which has been out now for 48 hours.

I called the cable company last night. Naturally, I got through to the automated machine.

"Press 2 if you're experiencing trouble with your..."

2,2,2,2,2,fuckin' 2,2,2,2,2,2

"Currently, we are experiencing trouble in the entire state. We hope to have these problems solved soon. Please be patient. Please don't cuss us out. Please don't come down to the cable company with broken bricks in your hand and throw it at our heads as we walk to the parking lot at 5 p.m. even though we know that your cable and internet are still down. We have families too and our wives have cooked us a delicious beef brisket this evening while your wife is down in Florida getting hit on by her sleazy boss and eating in fine restaurants all this week while you're eating frozen pizza for the third time since Saturday. We know that we say in our commercials that we are dependable and reliable. That's just corporate bullshit that we have to say in order to get your gullible business. You're so gullible. Did you know that? Anyway ... we may have everything up and running by February. Don't hold us to that though. It all depends on if we feel like working on Saturdays. Thanks for calling. This has been a recording."

Uh-huh.

Then the thing hangs up on me.

So I call back. This time I press 3 to speak to a customer representative concerning my bill.

After three minutes on hold, a girl with a name that there is no way in hell I could ever hope to attempt to spell here comes on the line.

"Thank you for calling Charter Communications, this is LaFunkyfuckface, how can I help you?"

"I don't wanna pay my bill."

"Can I have your telephone number, sir?"

"271-4275"

"Can I have your last name, sir?"

"It should be on the computer there. That big monitor looking thing in front of you?"

"Yes sir, it is, but I must confirm this."

"Fine. It's what it says on the monitor."

"Duncan?"

"Close enough. Look ... I haven't had decent internet service for about six weeks. It's only on from 5-6 a.m. each day and then shuts down until 5 a.m. the following day. And frankly, I ain't payin' for the shit."

"Can I get your first name, sir?"

"Huh?"

"Your first name?"

"Jesus Horatio Christ....IT'S RIGHT THERE IN FRONT OF YOU. THIS ISN'T SOME KINDA PRANK WHERE I'M PRETENDING TO BE SOMEBODY WHO'S GETTING FUCKED IN THE ASS BY YOU PEOPLE. I AM WHO I SAY I AM, I'M PISSED AND I'M ABOUT READY TO GET ALL KINDS OF KUNG-FU ON YOUR ASS LAFUNKYFUCKFACE."

"Your first name, sir?"

"Robert."

"Yes sir. How can I help you this evening?"

"I haven't had decent internet service for about six weeks. It's only on from 5-6 a.m. each day and then shuts down until 5 a.m. the following day. And frankly, I ain't payin' for the shit. Now lately, it's been down completely. I do a lot of work via the internet and my email account is very important to me in order to correspond with my employers and clients. In essence, I'm losing business because of this. Plus, my cable has been down now for two days. I had to watch Joe Millionaire the other night because it was the only station that was on. Are you listening? JOE FUCKING MILLIONAIRE. I'd rather watch video footage of my grandfather constipated on the toilet than have to watch that horseshit."

"Yes sir. We have been experiencing technical difficulties and our staff is working dilligently to correct the problem."

"Since THANKSGIVING?!?"

"Yes sir. You're not the only one experiencing this problem. We are replacing our old servers and it's a lengthy process."

"Well ... I want my bill pro-rated because I'm not paying for services that have not been rendered."

"Yes sir. One moment please."

Alright...here's the deal ... I'm talking to a customer representative in the billing department, right?

This girl should be able to hit a couple of keys and wipe a couple of days off my bill ... right?

Wrong.

TWENTY-FIVE FUCKING MINUTES LATER...read that again ... TWENTY-FIVE FUCKING MINUTES LATER this girl comes BACK on the phone to tell me that she has FINALLY been able to strike the entire month of December off my bill as far as internet service.

I can't complain there. There were a few days when I had internet service in December, but they were few and far between. I've become accustomed to the fact that there will be no internet service at my house. It's a shock when it is there. So yeah...wiping $62 off my bill seems fair.

Then...and believe me ... Lafunkyfuckface is all excited about this...she's going to wipe TWO WHOLE DAYS of cable television off my bill too.

I then present another kink in the problem.

"What if cable television isn't on tomorrow," I ask. "Do I just keep calling back and telling you it's still not on and you take 25 fucking minutes to strike it off my bill? Because I have to cook dinner each night (hey...I've gotta pre-heat the oven for the pizza, wiseass), and I don't have time to sit on the phone for 25 minutes each night."

"Yes sir. If you still don't have television tomorrow night, you'll need to call us back."

"Is there any idea WHEN you guys may have this technical difficulty finished?"

"No sir. We're working as fast as we can."

I have to call bullshit on that one. Unless they've got a bunch of mentally handicapped blind fuckers trying to get the system up and running because all the qualified technicians are on strike ... this should have been fixed weeks ago.

"Fine,"I say. "Thanks for pro-rating my bill."

"You're welcome sir," she says. "And if there's anything else we can do for you, please let us know."

"You can get my internet and television up and running," I suggest.

"Yes sir," she says. "Have a good evening."

"I'll try," I say. "But staring at a blank television and then surfing the non-web isn't exactly my idea of fun."

"Read a book, you fat lazy fuck," she says.

"Huh?" I say.

"Thanks for calling Charter Communications," she says.

*CLICK*

Soooo...I started reading "Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas" again last night after not reading it for at least ten years.

I hate to toot my own horn here ... but I think this diary can almost be compared to the writings of the great Hunter S. Thompson.

Naturally, that is my goal. To be as great as that man in the world of journalism.

I'm not saying that I can even be worthy of passing off a fascimile of his work. But he is my literary hero and at times I caught glimpses of stuff that I would have written in his book.

Christ. I feel so pompous and arrogant saying such a thing. This book is a modern day classic and I'm sitting here saying "He ripped me off!" when the book came out in 1971.

I'm fucking delerious.

Please....PLEASE...give me back my internet and cable TV and everything will be fine.

Please?