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4:54 a.m. - 2003-01-20

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME ... PART IV

Hey ... I'll tell you what ... if you haven't signed up for Andrew's latest project Swappingtons yet, you're a big ol' hairy dumbass.

As I told Andrew in an email this weekend ... he's truly revolutionizing the internet. I wasn't exactly blowing smoke up his ass, but it helped because he took two crappy DVDs off my hands.

Heh.

Okay...they're not ALL that crappy. But I was never going to watch either one again, so you know. Yeah.

Anyway, Swappingtons is cool because it's a place where you can swap DVDs, books and CDs. Oh...and VHS tapes. It's basically one on one swapping.

You know how you have to take three CDs to the used CD store in order to get one new CD?

Not anymore. Try Swappingtons.

I've now unloaded three of the four DVDs that I put up for swap yesterday ("Halloween 5" anybody??). Now I get to turn around and pick out three DVDs that are up for grabs. If I like them, I keep them. If not, they go back up on the Swappingtons list and I get something else.

And hey...you DON'T have to be a member of Diaryland to participate. This is a whole new site that's not associated with Diaryland except for the fact that it's brought to you by the same guy who came up with Diaryland.

So if you have any CDs, DVDs, VHS tapes or books laying around that have worn out their welcome, check into Swappingtons.

And nooooo...nobody asked me to plug the site. I'm just amazed that it's been up less than a week and I've already gotten rid of 75% of my inventory.


So yesterday was Uncle Bob's 41st birthday.

Happy birthday to me, blah, blah, blah.

It was, without a doubt, the most uneventful birthday ever.

For those of you with minds like a steel trap, you'll remember that my wife and I have the same birthday. I'm exactly three years older than her, but we were both born on January 19th.

I'm not allowed to tell you how old she is, so don't ask.

Anyway, we get up, say "Happy Birthday" to each other and get ready for church.

We go to church. She teaches Sunday School, I update the webpage.

I go take a seat inside the church and as church starts, I realize that Susie's decided she wants to sing in the choir today, leaving me sitting by myself.

No biggie.

During church, they mention that it's "our" birthday, so when it comes time to stand up and shake everyone's hand (STILL the worst part of church in my opinion....the exchanging of germs at this point is what keeps me sick all winter), everyone has to say something stupid and dull as to us sharing a birthday.

The one idiotic comment we always hear more than any other is "Are you two twins??"

Aha. Ha. Ha. Ha.

Yes. I fuck my sister. Praise the Lorrrrrd ... I'm a sisterfucker.

You know ... like it's technically impossible to marry someone with the same birthdate as yourself. People just don't fucking understand how that happens.

Here's how it happens ... you're dating someone. On the second...possibly third date, you tell each other your birthdays. You're amazed at the fact that you share the same birthday. Since this has never happened before on any other date, you accept this as karma and this person that you've been making out with who shares the same birthday as you MUST be your soul mate. So you blindly marry this person based on your birthday connection, only to wake up 17 years later and realize it's just not as cute as it was way back then.

Anyway.

Church gets out and we come home.

Now...I've been promised hot birthday sex. Let me rephrase...birthday sex. The only way it'd be hot is if my wife was bringing a cute friend to the bedroom at this point.

My wife "isn't in the mood".

I try to get her in the mood using a series of battery operated toys, vegetables, long slender candles and a broken toaster oven for good measure.

I'm repeatedly rebuffed and she takes a nap.

At 3:30, she wakes up and it's BACK to church...wheeee!! There's nowhere better to spend your birthday than CHURCH, everyone!! WHEEEEEE!!! CHURCH ALL DAY! CHURCH ALL DAY!! CHURCH ALL DAY!!

She has to teach Children's Choir while I have a diaconate meeting that I "must" attend.

Apparently, it wasn't the type of meeting that I truly, truly "must" attend, because only about a quarter of the deacons showed up which irritates the shit out of me because my church is full of people who don't take their roles in the church seriously.

But that's another beef for another morning.

We get to church and she's carrying Andrew. I'm carrying his diaper bag.

We walk into the meeting rooms where the deacons that have shown up are sitting right next to the Children's choir. Literally...five children showed up for Children's Choir and they're inches away from the deacons.

Susie...I have no idea why ... but she's got an attitude now.

"You're going to have to take Andrew with you," she says.

I laugh a bit.

"Okay," I said. "We're meeting right here."

"FINE," she says, throwing shit around. "FINE! I'LL TAKE HIM!"

Now...I have one major pet peeve with the wife. She can yell at me all she wants and cop an attitude all she wants in the privacy of our own home.

But when she does this shit in front of people we know ... I have a problem with it. It not only makes me uncomfortable, it makes everyone else uncomfortable and makes her look like a giant ass.

"I said I'll take him," I smile weakly, trying to keep an uptempo mood here. "But I'm sitting right here next to you guys. It's not like we're in a different room."

"NO!" she says through gritted teeth. "He'll sit right here on my lap and I'll try to teach class with him RIGHT HERE ON MY LAP."

I looked at the other deacons who were making that face like "Oh shit, dude...you are so in the doghouse. What'd you do, dude?"

I did not do anything.

Up until we walked in the church, everything was fine.

She just lost it because the lady that watches "the toddlers" (aka Andrew) hadn't arrived back at church yet so rather than focus on teaching her five member Children's Choir a new song, she had to try to do that with Andrew on her knee, EVEN after I said that I'd take him, but I was going to be sitting about two feet from her at this point.

Anyway, it truly embarrassed me that she had to act so ignorant in front of everyone. I will swallow a lot of shit that my wife shovels my way. But tossing out some bitch mode in public is where I draw the line.

Our meeting was then moved to another area of the church which was good because I was about inches away from strangling my wife.

For 90 minutes, I had to sit through a "refresher course" which told me all my duties as a deacon again. Thanks, I remember. I was just a deacon about 21 days ago. I'm not the guy from "Memento" here, I remember.

Anyway.

The kid's screaming and crying right now and either had a horrifying nightmare or is in some pretty bad pain because he can't be consoled.

Stop!

Daddy Time.

You know...like "Hammer Time?"

Ha.

I kill me.

Anyway...gotta tend to him and get him calmed down.

I'll give ya part two later.


Okay...so it's later.

Anyway...sit through the meeting and afterwards we had a Chili Supper at church. Everyone wanted us to stay for it, but our original plan was to skip the Chili Supper and go out to dinner to celebrate our birthday.

"But this is a FREEEEE birthday dinner," they said.

"Yes," I felt like saying. "A watered down Chili that lacks any sort of spice because it's made by two retired men FOR a buncha retired folks who can't handle any spice like ... ohhhh...let's say chili powder and cumin ... so basically, your 'chili' is bean soup. No thanks."

...I'm pretty particular about my chili if you haven't figured that out yet.

...And I'm pretty fed up with the fact that I'm one of the youngest church members at 41 if you haven't figured THAT out by now.

So we pile into the van as everyone sits down to pretend to enjoy their lukewarm bowls of bean soup

"Where are we going for dinner?" Susie asked.

"You pick," I said.

"You pick," she said.

"Fine," I said. "Let's go home."

I think she was shocked because she had already forgotten about acting like an ass in front of our peers and how much that pisses me off when she tries to make me look like an idiot in front of people.

...I mean...let's face it ... it doesn't take a whole helluva lot for me to make myself look like an idiot. I sure don't need any help.

So we came home, I fixed a "Day Ahead Beef Brisket" for tonight which I've never done before, but I get a feeling that it's going to taste like crap and we watched "High School Reunion".

She ate leftovers and I didn't eat dinner.

I know that maybe I'm coming across as a huge ass here. But like I said...there's one thing I ask of my wife ... if you're mad at me, wait until we're alone to express your anger. And if you're mad at someone else, do not direct that anger at me in front of others. That makes me more uncomfortable than anything when I get "scolded and reprimanded" in front of others.

When I get mad, I don't say a word. Because I've got an evil tongue. When I'm mad and open my mouth, there's no telling what will come out, but one thing's for sure. When I calm down, there's going to be a lot of words that I'm going to have to regret.

Sooo...suffice to say...it was an extremely quiet birthday yesterday.

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