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5:21 a.m. - 2003-01-22

BIRTHDAY HELL WEEK CONTINUES

Welcome to the worst week of my life.

Alright, alright...there have been worse weeks. The week when I accidently got my penis stuck in a hole in the wall of my cousin's closet and I was trapped inside there for six days and seven nights until I could free myself. That was a pretty shitty week, if I recall.

But this week?

SUNDAY=41st birthday...fight with the wife that results in no birthday gifts, no birthday dinner, no birthday sex. (We've since made up. Still no gifts, dinner or sex. But at least we're not plotting ways to poison each other now)

MONDAY=Find out my mother is pretty ill. I told you there were four things wrong with her but couldn't remember the fourth thing yesterday...the fourth thing was that she had a hole in her left eardrum. Usually that'd be enough to gather pity over. But that turned out to be the least of her worries.

TUESDAY=Go to work feeling like red, raw baboon ass. Get a call from Susie who's been at home for the last two days with Andrew. The test results are in and he's got strep throat. She makes an appointment for herself since she feels like a deep shade of pink baboon ass and suggests that I do the same.

I call the doctor and tell him I've been feeling like baboon ass for two weeks now and my son has strep throat and there's a good chance that I may have it because my son was kissing all over me on Monday night and does the doctor think that's weird because my son is 23 years old and ... and...and....

Oh. It's a recorded message asking me which Doctor am I trying to reach. My bad.

I push #3.

Bottom line...I get an appointment at 2:50 in the afternoon.

I show up at 2:48.

I get ushered in.

I'm told I weigh about 15 lbs more than I thought I weighed. Granted, I've got my big heavy coat on, my shoes made of solid lead, a heavy duty chain in my pocket, several cinder blocks in my other pocket and some gawdawful beef brisket laying in my stomach like a dead, rotting sloth.

Well ain't that just grand?

So I get sent to an exam room where I wait the prerequisite 30 minutes before the doctor decides to quit standing outside my door, stifling his giggles with his hand over his mouth and his ear pressed to the door as I cuss him under my breath.

He comes in and confirms that I do indeed have strep throat.

Thanks Doc. I guess the constant blood vomiting wasn't a big enough giveaway on that little mystery, huh?

I'm given a prescription for antibiotics, told that it's very contagious and to stay home for at least a day and get some rest.

Now then...not that I'm a saint by any means...but I don't take sick days for myself.

We've gone over this, haven't we?

Do you remember what I said?

That I reserve my sick days for when Andrew's sick and when I'm sick I just go to work, close my office door and sit in there and moan as I stare out the window, wishing I felt better?

You remember that?

Good.

I didn't want to have to rehash it.

Anyway...Andrew's got strep.

Daddy's got strep.

Susie has an appointment this morning at 7:15 to determine if she has strep.

As the Ramones once croaked "We're a happy family, We're a happy family, We're a happy family, Me, Mom and Daddy."

Spoken like a true genius.


So it looks like I'm staying home with Andrew today.

Susie has work to do. She's two days behind at her job and it will take her four days to get caught up.

I'm behind at my job as well.

And I've got to ask...is it true that Calgon can actually take you away from shit like this?

If so, somebody put me down for a case of that shit.


Hey!

Signed up at Swappingtons yet and put "Bob" down as a reference?

No??

Listen...dude...what the hell are you waiting for? The apocalypse?

We're about to go to war here. Unless you're in Canada in which case, you're about to stand back and watch your brother man go to war here.

We all need to start pinching pennies when it comes to books, CDs, DVDs, Video Games, VHS tapes and used dildos.

Swappingtons is the answer to your financial woes.

FREE STUFF!!

I've got the "South Park" movie, the "Shrek" movie and ... if the guy would freakin' accept my offer...the "Spiderman" DVD on their way to my house.

You could too if you'd just freakin' sign up!!!

PLUS...here's some incentive...how would YOU like to own something that I once owned?

I mean...talk about your brush with greatness!!

You could have a hardcore rap CD, unopened that was once owned by ME!!

I dare say ... if I were you, that would be enough incentive for me to sign up.

I mean...to own a rap CD that was once owned by a pompous blowhard who thought his shit didn't stink?!?

SIGN MY ASS UP!!!

Alright...seriously...sign up. Andrew has revolutionized the internet once again and this is your opportunity to be on the ground floor.

Diaryland now has 800,000 active users.

I was here when it was less than 2,000 and have watched it grown to a community where hundreds of thousands of teenage girls are given a forum to talk about the joy that we call ... trouble with teenage boys.

Eh.

Join Swappingtons. It's going to be huge.


I watched "American Idol 2" last night.

I never saw a minute of the first one. Well...I take that back...we watched the last episode for the hell of it but were completely lost and it was pretty anti-climactic since we didn't know anyone on it.

This time?

I'm hooked, baby.

I loved it.

Call me a sissy boy with an affinity for chiffon and silk panties...but I absolutely enjoyed the show.

I used to make fun of the first show.

Only because I never watched it.

And I'm the type that makes fun of things that I don't watch.

You know..."Lord of the Rings"...that type of stuff.

But I laughed and cringed and squirmed and thoroughly enjoyed the show.

This doesn't mean I'm going to hunker down with a tub o' corn (preferably popped) and watch "Harry Potter and the Testicles of Fire" tonight.

But I may have just started budging open the door to open my mind a bit.

We'll see.

Now...if you'll excuse me ... I have some thick bloody bile to cough up.

Adios.

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