R., ME MATEY

I had my first big lunch of the new year yesterday.

Me, Edweird and the original long-haired hippie freak Kody went to our favorite little Chinese buffet here in town. Since January 1st, I've been doing my best to eat a sensible lunch each day and it has benefited me by helping me lose a whopping 37 pounds this month!!!

!!!!!!!

�Alright, I'm lying. The only thing I've lost is the friendships I had with the losers behind the counter at my local Arby's. Once you desert them for an extended amount of time, they treat you like yesterday's garbage and turn to some new fat slob to befriend while trying to clog his arteries at lightning speed.

Anyway�went to the Chinese buffet. And before all was said and done, I felt like I had a pu-pu platter in my bowels if'n you get my drift.

I don't think I'll be pigging out on Chinese for lunch anytime soon. My stomach is still making muffled Chinese noises like Chun Yow Fat is cruising around my intestines in a Chinese car.

(urp)

Sooo�I think the question of the day should be � "Just how fucking stupid is R. Kelly anyway?"

If you haven't heard by now� the R&B crooner was arrested last year because he had sex with a minor and videotaped it. Apparently some people look down on things like that. You know�some people like�..ohhhhhh�I dunno ... EVERYBODY OUTSIDE OF CAMBODIA.

I don't remember what happened to him at that point beyond public humiliation for being known as a sick and twisted child molester with a dick that could make a mule gasp.

So when shit like that goes down and you get out of jail and get to go home, what's the FIRST thing you do when you walk in the door?

Me? ?

Oh�I dunnoooo �. hypothetically speaking � I think I'd gather up every single fucking piece of kiddie porn I have laying around the house and burn it. I then take a sledgehammer to my computer and buy a new one because I'm a hotshot millionaire singer and I never ever EEEEVER download kiddie porn again. I lock myself in my house and never allow anyone below the age of 18 to ever enter it again. No relatives, no sick kids, no Olson Twins, no nothing.

How fucking hard is that?

Apparently, too fucking hard. Little girls are R.'s heroin. His nicotine. They are the monkey on his perverted fucking back and he can't scrape them off with a pitchfork.

So now he's in trouble for having naked pictures of kids in his house once again.

It's time we sent this no-good piece of shit to prison. Let him get his bunghole fitted for a 10" wang and then plunge it in him night and day while inmates sing their rendition of that gawdawful "I Believe I Can Fly" shit while taking turns slapping their balls against his until his brain explodes.

I never liked that corroded scumbag anyway.

I may have mentioned this before � maybe not. I probably did because at one time I was proud of the fact.

I interviewed R. Kelly several years ago when he was cranking up some tour of his.

I think it was the "Lock Up Your Daughters. No. Seriously. Lock Up Your Daughters" Tour.

He was the most smug, condescending asshole I've ever had the misfortune of talking to. As you can imagine ... I've never had to interview Corey Feldman.

Every answer to every question was one word and you could barely understand that one word. I guess he was trying to act all down with the hoopty or whatever the hell the rappers say these days, but I could see right through his fa�ade. He was a kiddie-humping cancer on the music business then and he's even worse now.

My only wish is that I was in prison so I could stand back and laugh as this child molester is treated like a dying pocket pussy by every inmate in the jizzoint.

Of course�that's just my opinion. You're entitled to your own.

I've been in kind of a shock for the last few days over the fact that since Maurice Gibb has passed away, the remaining Bee Gees have decided to call it quits as a band.

This is a sad day for the music business.

Not as sad as if the calendar actually read "1977" instead of "2003". But sad nevertheless.

Naturally, I was under the assumption that the Bee Gees broke up in the 80s as were the majority of their fans.

But I'm sure that somewhere on this globe, some blubbering 44 year-old woman with a poster of Barry Gibb on her wall and a deadly quiet answering machine can't pull herself together over this heartbreaking news.

And to that woman I say � there's always Huey Lewis and the News.

Like the rest of the country, we are undergoing a cold snap here in the south that is setting record temperatures.

Yesterday it never got out of the 30s!!

BRRRRRR!!

I'm talking almost freezing temperatures, people!!

I'm shocked that school wasn't cancelled.

I want to thank everyone who emailed me with their own stories, tips, and suggestions for dealing with Andrew and what we perceive may eventually be a problem with him.

As it stands, I don't think there's a problem anymore.

But on Wednesday we're taking him to a speech therapist (which I think he needs) for an evaluation.

On Thursday, we're taking him to a neurologist to have him checked for any signs of autism or related problems.

As I said, I think we're just being big fat worrywarts over this, but better safe than sorry.

But seriously, thanks for all the emails. I missed work on Wednesday and when I checked my email yesterday, there were over 70 emails about Andrew ALONE.

I will probably not get a chance to email you all back personally and thank you for your words of encouragement since...well...I've got a job to do and that's why I get a paycheck.

So I hope a public "thank you" will suffice for the time being.

That's it from me. I'm cutting this bitch short because I've got things to do this morning that would astound and amaze you.

That is � if you're the type that's astounded and amazed by a man with blood in his stool.

That's a joke, you dimwit.

Ciao baby.

P.S. Go sign up at Swappington's and tell 'em "BOB" sent ya!!