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5:03 a.m. - 2003-01-28

NEVER FEED YOUR DOG BROKEN GLASS

Praise be to Swappingtons!!!

Yesterday I come home and have two, count 'em, TWO DVDs waiting on me.

I've now got a brand new, still in the shrink wrap copy of "South Park Bigger...Longer...and Uncut".

As if that wasn't heavenly enough...I've also got a brand new copy of "Divine Secrets of the Ya-Ya Sisterhood"!!!

Now I have a movie that I can cuss along with and one that I can weep along with when I gather with my sisterhood.

Becept...me and my sisterhood...we ain't exactly ya-ya if ya get my drift.

And the secrets we share? They ain't divine.

Nope. We say shit like "You know that girl Elaine that works at the Walmart? She be wantin' a breast implant!"

And then we all playfully slap each other and cut up and act all sisterly.

Except my sisters ain't female.

Nope. A buncha guys. Most of 'em unshaven and dirty.

Several of them reeking of weed.

But you know...they's my sistas. We's tight.

Uh-huh.

Rat own.

So yeah...uhhhhh...anyway...if you STILL haven't signed up for Swappingtons, then you're missing out on having DVDs mailed to your house on a regular basis.

Or video games. Or videos. Or books. Or CDs.

Regardless...dude or dudette....you're seriously missing out.

Go sign up.

The more people that sign up and offer stuff to swap, the more stuff there'll be to swap and the easier it will be on everyone.

We're talking BRAND NEW FREE STUFF!!

Today, I'm mailing Dominia my pristine copy of the Beastie Boys' "Hello Nasty" so that she will be able to enjoy the soothing sounds of King Ad-Rock and Mike D and that other guy. The one that always looks stoned. Yeah. That guy.

I can't believe some of you haven't signed up for it yet. You HAVE to have some kinda media thing laying around the house that you haven't used in several months. Unless you live in a shoebox and only own a computer and a piece of string.

So DO IT!!!

Oh.

And as always, put me down ("Bob") as the user who referred you.

My sistas and I thank you for doing so.


My car's in the shop once again.

This time, the Alabama rednecks that I take it to put their minds together and came up with the brilliant deduction that I might...I MIGHT ... have a slow leak in my radiator.

Oh really?

Whatever gave you guys that idea? The fact that my car runs out of water every...ohhhh...seven days or so?

...Lousy cocks.

The real shitty part is ... we took it in about two weeks ago and they said that they "replaced a screw" that had rusted and was holding the engine together and that's what was causing my problem and now they need $200 because it was one of those screws that's "really hard to get to".

No. We're talking about a screw in a car engine.

A screw that would be "really hard to get to" for you guys would be screwing Pamela Anderson.

Then again...half these assholes look like Kid Rock. So maybe it wouldn't be so tough after all.

So taking it back yesterday, I pretty much told them that we were having the same problem that we had when they replaced the $200 screw and that they had NOT fixed the problem so the screw was going to have to come down in value to about ...ohhhhh... 29 cents.

They countered with 50 bucks.

Sold.

I'm such a mack daddy businessman.


I think my dog is on her last legs.

She's old. She's 13 next month. That's 91 in people years.

Last night, for no good reason, she vomited three huge piles of black crud all over the living room carpet.

I'm talking HUGE piles. Two feet in diameter piles.

We worked all night trying to clean these up. Two piles are pretty much gone. But one pile has left a two foot diameter stain in the middle of the f'n living room.

I didn't get angry with her though.

I did get a little peeved with Pervy though.

While we ate dinner in the kitchen, he sat out in the living room watching "Fear Factor".

Right by these three piles of puke.

...And he didn't say a fucking word.

I seriously wanted to slap him. The sooner you get these stains out of your carpet, the easier they will be.

I have no idea how long they were there. But that fat assed little pervert was in the living room for at least ten minutes. The puke was on either side of the entertainment center and was fairly obvious in the sense that it was huge piles of black vomit on a light tan carpet.

Maybe he didn't feel it was his job to point out the black vomit on the floor.

Just like it's not my job to babysit his 15 year-old hairy fat ass every week so he doesn't look up porn and jam his chubby into his family's disc drive while everyone else is at Bible Study.

Lousy fucking pervert.

Then, as my dog walked around last night, she was leaving blood droplets everywhere.

Try getting dog blood out of your carpet.

Go ahead. If you have a dog, bring it in on your carpet. If not, go find a stray dog now.

Bring the dog into your den.

Slice one of its tendons with a butcher knife.

Let the fun begin!!

I keep asking Susie if it's worth it. Maggie doesn't act like she's miserable, but she's not exactly a fun loving pup anymore.

But Susie's having a party Thursday night. And when guests arrive, they're going to have to step over a two foot diameter stain in our four month-old house.

The dog has had more accidents in this new house than ever before. I haven't listed them all here because it's become a regular occurance. We have a stain lifter that usually does the trick in these situations so it's usually nothing worth writing about here.

Susie says that she wants to put Maggie to sleep before Maggie "starts suffering".

I'd call excessive vomiting on a regular basis, bleeding and stumbling around and falling "suffering".

Susie wants to hold onto her a bit longer.

Every single one of you is yelling at your monitor right now..."TAKE HER TO THE VET AND HAVE HER CHECKED OUT!!!"

My vet will run a series of tests on her.

He will either say something's wrong or that she ate something out of Andrew's hand that didn't agree with her.

Either way, I will get a bill for $500 for the services.

Kids ... keep in mind ... I don't HAVE $500 stocked in my Vet Fund.

I got no Christmas presents or birthday presents this year. Every penny we have goes into this brand new house right now.

You know...the house with the huge dog vomit stains everywhere you step.

I guess I'm trying to convince myself to take the step, hug the dog and take her to the vet for the last time.

It's just kinda hard. I still remember the first night we brought her home as a six week-old puppy.

She cried all night in her box in the kitchen. So I went and laid out in the kitchen with her and we both fell asleep on the kitchen floor.

Ever since then, she has never left my side when I'm around. It's loyalty on her part, but it gets old now because I'm always tripping over her.

She's sleeping right next to me as I type this. Just like she has done for every entry I've ever typed in here.

So yeah. It's hard.

But I truly think it's time.

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