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6:36 a.m. - 2003-02-16

THE PERVY CONSPIRACY

Did ya have a happy Valentine's Day?

DID YA??

Oh man ... I LOVE me some Valentine's Day festivities. The flowers, the cards, the candy, the salad, the bottled water, the mopping of the kitchen floor, the cleaning of the toilets, the US Postal System, the runny red clay mud, the middle, the shining, the beatles ... there's very little about Valentines Day that I DON'T love.

...You know...except for the actual holiday itself.

Jeezus Gawd...I HATE the actual holiday.

We spent our Valentine's Day just as we planned...taking Andrew to his very first movie, "The Jungle Book 2".

And he actually did much better than I thought he would.

We took everyone's advice and followed every suggestion. We brought his own snacks, we bought popcorn and gummi bears, we sat in the middle of the aisle, we arrived five minutes before the movie started, we had the child heavily sedated with animal tranquilizers, we threatened him with cigarette burns if he made so much as a peep, we forced him to write a thesis before the film as to why he deserved to attend the film's opening, and we put a cork in his butt so he wouldn't soil his diaper during the movie.

He was transfixed on the screen for the first 20 minutes or so.

Then he wanted to sit on Daddy's lap and not Mama's. That was cool. He sat on my lap.

A song started and he loved that. He slid off my lap and danced in front of us.

We put him in his own seat, handed him some popcorn and he didn't take his eyes off the screen, commenting on occasion as to what animals were on the screen at any certain time.

"Bear?" he asked, pointing at the screen.

"That's right," I whispered. "That's a bear!"

"SHHHHHH!!" the lady behind me shushed.

"Snake?" he asked, pointing at the snake.

"That's right," I whispered. "That's a snake!"

"SHHHHHH!!!" the lady behind me shushed.

"Ayfunt?" he asked, pointing at an elephant.

"That's right," I whispered. "That's a ....."

"SHHHHHHHHHHH!!" the lady behind me shushed.

"KNOCK IT OFF, YOU FUCKING COW!" I yelled at Ms. Shusher. "This isn't 'The Hours' you infected twat! Get over it!"

"SHH!" she shushed.


He did good ... for about an hour.

At that point, the lady next to me got out of her seat to go pee or buy popcorn or something.

This let Andrew know that it was perfectly okay to get up and walk around the theater.

That's the only encouragement he needed. He was up and running down the aisle. I had to get up three times to chase him.

"He may be ready to go," I whispered to my wife.

"SHHH!" the lady behind us shushed.

"Christ!" I yelped. "I hate people who talk in movies too, but dammit...sometimes the need for communication requires it to take place during opportune times. You are watching a shitty Disney sequel, lady. You're not going to miss anything if I whisper six words to my wife."

"Shh," she shushes.

We gathered up the popcorn, diet coke, diaper bag, purse, gummi bears, napkins, pup tent, mini-refrigerator, umbrella, dog, bag o' frozen food and left.

We get out of the theater and start walking toward the exit when Andrew spots video games.

He's two. But he LOVES to sit in those driving video games because he gets to spin a steering wheel and pretend to drive.

He does this for 15 minutes. Enough time for the Jungle Book to end and have all the people file out of the theater.

I spotted Mrs. Shusher. She was encouraging her children to put their coats on. I couldn't resist.

"SHHHHH!" I shushed loudly, with my back turned to her.

HEEE!


Yesterday, we go to our new Sam's Club which is the second largest Sam's Club in the world.

As we walk in the door, we see Susie's brother and his wife. The parents of Pervy.

But there's no kids with them. No Pervy...No Sissy Boy.

Susie explains that for the second week in a row, we won't be able to watch Pervy because we're going to Kindermusik and she has a meeting to attend afterwards.

They don't really say anything. It's like they're trying to mentally balance their schedule or trying to find another babysitter for this 15 year-old manboy.

Susie asks where her nephews are.

"Oh they're home. One's vegging out in front of the TV and the other one's vegging out in front of the computer."

Sooooo...they DO leave their kids home without a babysitter. Sooooo...Pervy IS capable of staying home on Monday nights by himself.

Soooooo...why do we have to watch him each week? Why do they drive 15 miles out of their way to bring him to us so that he can try to squirm his way into our office and get on our computer to look up internet porn and rub himself?

The only solution I could come up with is that they were BOTH home alone. Sissy Boy is a professional tattletale, and keeps detailed mental reports of everything that happens when adults aren't around so that he can give a full report when they resurface.

If he busts Pervy looking at internet porn, he damned sure will narc on him.

Whereas, on Monday nights, Sissy Boy has his own Bible Study to attend. Which would leave Pervy home alone. And the spunky goo would then be flying around the room like a squirrel in a blender with the top off as he whacks it to pictures of Asia Carrerra trying desperately to show off her ovaries.

That's my only reasoning now for us having to watch Pervy ... to have someone monitoring his every perverted move.

But I think ... if we keep going to this Kindermusik class together as a family for the next 13 weeks, eventually the thought of bringing him to our house will subside and they'll forget they ever did such a thing.

Plus...he turns 16 in April. Hopefully by then the parents will realize that if the kid can drive cross-country by himself, he doesn't need a babysitter every week.

We'll see.


Today I go to church and tell the board that I wasn't bowled over by the new minister and admit that I think it will be a bad idea if they hire her.

We'll see how that goes over.

Heh.

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