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3:47 a.m. - 2003-02-20

I'M A CELEBRITY! GET ME SOME DISTILLED WATER!

Okay ... I think....I THINK ...I'm ready to return to asshole mode.

But before I do ... once again, thank you to all of you who wrote me with your condolensces. I must admit, I didn't shed a single tear yesterday until I started reading some of your messages and emails last night.

Bastards.

Trying to make an old man cry some more.

I shake my fist at all of you for preying on my sensitivities and making me all goopy eyed while I tried to read your stuff.

And with all the emails I received...not one....NOT ONE photo of naked boobies to help me over this sad hump.

I'M A HUMAN BEING YOU KNOW!!!!


You know who I feel most sad for?

The people who just happened to stumble into my diary the last two days and think "Oh man...what a great diary! This guy is so sensitive and caring and I bet every day with him is going to be so thoughtful and soul-searching. I'm going to have to start reading him every day."

Those poor, poor innocent souls.

They have no clue what they've gotten into.


I dunno about you guys … but I sure wish that just once … ONCE … somebody would send me an email offering me inkjet cartridges at low, low prices.

I cannot count the times I've opened up my email hoping against hope that somebody would say "Uncle Bob! Have we got some cheap-assed inkjet cartridges for you!"

It never happens though.

Damn my luck.

DAMN IT!!


Yesterday at lunch, I saw this woman whose husband I used to work with at the newspaper before he died of alcohol poisoning a few years back

I call her "The Widow Johnson". Because she's a widow and her last name's Johnson. I just throw the "The" in there for dramatic effect.

Anywhoo…I was leaving the restaurant and I walked past her table.

"Hello The Widow Johnson," I said. "How are you doing?

"My husband drank himself to death and I still haven't gotten past it," she replied. "You?"

"Just fine!" I chirped. "Good seein' ya!"

I swear … some people can be soooo negative about things. Cheer up, The Widow Johnson! Look on the bright side of things! At least you're not tripping over half-empty bottles of scotch on the way to the bathroom each morning!


I went to Walmart last night, trying to find some distilled water for my sleep apnea machine, because it has a humidifier that requires distilled water for it.

(I felt the need to clarify that in case any of you were thinking "Damn! He pours water all over his expensive machine?? What kind of moron IS this guy?)

All the jugs of distilled water were gone.

Man.

People are sure taking this whole "Duct Tape Yourself Inside Your House With A Hot Plate, Several Hundred cans of Spaghetti-Os and Water In Case Saddam Goes Batshit" thing pretty seriously, huh?

I'm taking my chances, dammit.

Probably because, if there is going to be a nuclear war, I doubt seriously there's a bunch of fiendish Iraquians twirling their mustaches and laughing about attacking Pike Road, Alabama.

I've got to admit, my town would be pretty defenseless in a war. We've got a hardware store and a water works department and that's about it.

Plus I can't help but think, we haven't exactly made Saddam's shitlist yet.

So there's no distilled water in my house.

Which sucks because I need it for my sleep machine.

And if I don't get it...I could die in my sleep.

So since I don't have it...I can't sleep. Or else I die.

DAMN YOU SADDAM!!

HURRY UP AND NUKE CANADA SO I CAN SLEEP AGAIN!!!


Speaking of email (earlier in our conversation) ... has anybody helped this Nigerian guy out yet that keeps sending me emails?

I've got to admit...I haven't read through one of his entire emails. All I know is...he lives in Nigeria and he says he desperately needs my help or something.

I feel like emailing him back and saying "Dude...my dog just died. Go pester someone else."

I think that when you have to put your pet to sleep, that should be your ticket to getting whatever the hell you want for at least a week.

Because, it's a tough thing to do. I kid about it, but it's tough.

It will break you down mentally.

Therefore ... everyone should cut you some slack over everything you do.

For instance ... yesterday when there was no distilled water in Walmart, I walked up to a cashier and demanded some distilled water.

She said they didn't have any.

I informed her that I had just put my dog to sleep the day before and if she didn't produce some distilled water soon, I was going to have to take her hostage until I got some.

She ran off to find a manager. And I got tired of waiting for her to come back. So I left.

But I think that you should get free meals in restaurants, free air fare ... I don't think a free cruise should be out of the question ... and lip balm.

Plllllllenty of free lip balm.

But yeah...this Nigerian guy.

Would somebody out there PLEASE read this guy's email and do what he wants so he'll quit sending me requests to help his country out?

Dude...I'm sure things are probably tough in Nigeria.

BUT WE DON'T HAVE ANY DISTILLED WATER IN AMERICA!!!

I swear.

I hate crybabies.


Did anybody watch "I'm a Celebrity! Get Me Out Of Here!" last night?

Oh my God...what a collossal shitfest that show is.

I'm all about the reality shows these days. I've been sucked in there and am willing to give most any of them a try.

I mean...I doubt I'd watch a show called "Please Put My Dog To Sleep" because ... well...you know.

But anything else? Yeah, I'll give it a shot one time.

So I watch this crap last night and I had trouble following it.

Is it live? Is it taped? The guy keeps saying it's live, but it's obviously taped.

It is kinda funny to watch these prissy half-celebrities act like they're millionaires or whatever.

Melissa Rivers, whose claim to fame is her mother Joan Rivers, acted like a complete diva last night. She was "humiliated" that she had to participate in a challenge that involved shoving rats and cockroaches down her pants in order to score some fresh veggies for her motley clan.

Damn girl.

You think THAT'S humiliating??

You sure wouldn't make it very far on "Fear Factor" where you would have had to EAT those rats and cockroaches.

Anyway...I don't know if I'll watch it again. It's on for 15 consecutive nights which is just wrong. You can't expect people to sit by their television sets for 15 nights and tune in each night.

Unless...well...they're me and have no life.

Yeah. I'll probably watch it again.

(Hangs head in shame)


I've gots ta go.

Susie had doctor appointments out the ying yang this morning and I've got to take Andrew to daycare.

Thanks again to everyone for their support.

Believe it or not, you really helped me get through this latest crisis.

Granted...naked boobie pictures woulda sped the process up a bit...

...But seriously ... thanks.


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