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4:34 a.m. - 2003-02-27

A LIST OF GIRLS I WISHED I'D SLEPT WITH

I guess I never did tell you guys what came of my speeding ticket back in December, did I?

Probably because it stirred up its share of controversy with a lot of people getting mad at me because I wanted to contest a speeding ticket in court, even though those people ain't my mama and temporarily forgot that they're not allowed to get mad at me for exercising my God-given right to challenge a policeman's word.

Yeah.

So anyway … I called and requested a court date. The earliest they could get me in to court to contest a speeding ticket that was written in December is May 8th.

So not only do I have several months to prepare for my case, that's also several months that I won't have to pay a ticket if I end up having to pay one at all.

There you go. I have a court date on May 8th and forgot to tell you guys.

Sorry.

But gahhh…it's not like I use this site to talk about exciting things that happen to me. Just the lame stuff.

That said … here's a list of women that I wish I had slept with when I had a chance, but didn't. Either because I was stupid, married or both. Keep in mind … these are women that I've met in my life that I was attracted to but didn't take it to any certain level of relationship beyond friendship. They're just women that I was lustfully attracted to but managed to keep it in my pants (unless otherwise detailed). I love my wife and that's the main reason I didn't "jump" at any of these chances. I'm not tryin' to be a pig here. I'm just representin', y'all. Word.


KAREN: I was married when I started working with Karen in a bar.

She was a bartender, I was the deejay. She was gorgeous with this jet black mane of hair, big white smile, beautiful blue eyes and had those big things…I think they're called breasts, but these were more like superbreasts. Uberbreasts. They were bigger than Emmanuel Lewis. Gorgeous superuberboobers.

And beautiful cheekbones. Very model material.

Anyway…one slow night at the bar I had put in a tape and was sitting at the bar doing shots with Karen. Some song came on that she wanted to dance to, so we went up to the dance floor and danced. As luck would have it, it was a slow dance. She pressed those Mommy Mommy Fun Bags up against me and I'm not quite sure but I wouldn't be surprised if I had pressed back with an appendage of my own in appreciation.

We closed up the bar, being the only two employees in the place and were both pretty drunk from the shooters at this point. I offered to follow her home to her apartment but she reminded me that I was married and needed to get home to my wife. She was right and I went home. My wife was sound asleep.

WHY I'M GLAD I DIDN'T SLEEP WITH HER: The bar closed a few months later and I heard she got really weird religious to the point where showering was a sin for her and she was pretty skanky. That's the last I heard about her.

And plus…I was married. And she was dating the club manager at the time.


TERRI: Once again … married.

Terri was a secretary at the newspaper that I used to work at for about three months.

She was incredibly hot, but was severely mentally unbalanced.

She had a child at 16, but her parents raised the child as if it were theirs, and the kid grew up thinking that his real mother was his sister. Keep in mind, we're in Alabama. Half the kids in this state think their actual Grandma's their mama when it's really that crazy stripper lady that hangs around the house and cries at all their birthday parties for no good reason.

Anyway, Terri was constantly flirting with me and me only in the building which was really strange for me because I'm used to being the guy who the hot chicks ignore.

The two things I remember her specifically doing … one time she was taking a Dr. Seuss Sex Test online and was reading me the answers and letting me answer them. She got to a line that read "Do you like it in the ass?" and I said "No" and she said "Ohmigod…I LOVE IT in the ass!" That kinda took me by surprise because it's not a phrase you normally hear at the workplace unless you're a porn star.

The other time, she was sitting on her car hood in the parking lot smoking a cigarette.

I was walking to my car and she said "Could you see my panties when you walked by?" (she was wearing a short skirt).

I said "No".

She said "Good, because I'm not wearing any."

She was fired a few weeks later for not coming in to work for about five days. I hated to see her go. She was a lot of fun to have around.

WHY I'M GLAD I DIDN'T SLEEP WITH HER: The bitch was crazy. And I ain't throwin' my marriage away on a crazy bitch no matter how sexy she is and how often she doesn't wear underwear and wants Lil' Bob up her booty chute. Am I represent-in'? Good. Now hush yo' mouth.


STEPHANIE: Before I got married, Stephanie and I were best friends.

She was gorgeous, therefore it was a platonic relationship because I didn't have the balls to ask a gorgeous friend to boink me.

There was one night when we stayed out drinking all night and got back to her place at 6 a.m.

She told me I could spend the "night" there.

Now I was fully prepared to sleep on the couch but she told me to come to bed with her.

So I did.

We got to the bedroom and she changed, telling me I could "look but I couldn't touch". Hell, I could barely stay awake, but I managed to pry my eyes open with my fingers.

She put on some pajamas, climbed into bed and passed out cold in the space of about 20 seconds.

I laid there for a few minutes, wishing she'd wake up and say "Oh…before I forget…let's have sex."

But it didn't happen.

WHY I'M GLAD I DIDN'T SLEEP WITH HER: She's now one of my wife's best friends and her husband is one of my best friends. All that would have vanished if we had sex. I treasure her friendship today, 17 years later, than I would have treasured one short act of sloppy drunk sex at 6 a.m.


AMY: Another hot platonic friend.

Amy and I were supposed to get an apartment together before I had met my wife.

She quit her job and expected me to cover her share of the rent for however long it took her to find another job.

Pay her rent, even though we were just close friends.

No sex.

Here's some advice for you young single ladies … if you're going to be living with a guy friend and expect him to pay your share of the rent for you, you're eventually going to have to toss a booty call his way in a Good Samaritan show of faith.

It's like saying "Thanks for paying my rent. Here's that fine piece of ass you've been dreaming about from the other side of the hallway. Please let me have it back when you're finished with it."

We didn't move in together, I moved in with another guy.

A month later, I started dating my wife.

Amy came over to the apartment one Sunday afternoon while Susie was there and asked to speak to me in the privacy of my bedroom.

We went in there where she proceeded to tell me that I had to choose between being her friend or being Susie's boyfriend because Susie was screwing our friendship up.

I picked Susie and Amy walked out of my life.

WHY I'M GLAD I DIDN'T SLEEP WITH HER: Five years later, I saw her at a concert. She had married and divorced two different Sugar Daddys who gave her plenty of alimony, been in rehab several times and wasn't yet 30. Plus, she wanted me to pick between her and a girl I was actually having sex with. Wow. That's a toughie for a 23 year-old.


JULIE: Julie was Amy's best friend and the three of us used to hang out quite a bit.

Julie was very attractive and very sexy, but Amy's boobs were bigger and I was 21, so guess who I paid more attention to?

Anyway, one day the three of us were just driving around the city, bored out of our skulls.

At one point, Julie and I were in the backseat together while Amy drove. The windows were down, we were on the interstate with everyone's hair whipping around.

Julie told me to kiss her.

For a split second I thought … "Jeez…if I kiss this hot friend of mine, that could possibly mean that I'll never stand a chance with the other hot friend who I'd rather have. What should I do?"

I kissed her.

We kissed for about five minutes while Amy laughed and chided us from the front seat.

For some reason, Julie just felt the need to measure my kissing techniques at that moment in time.

She said I was a good kisser.

Nothing ever came from it, but I started kinda shifting my alliance from Amy more to Julie.

Today, Julie is appearing in regional television commercials.

It used to be that every time her face popped up on the TV, I'd tell my wife "I made out with her one time." But then she started showing up so much I lost interest in antagonizing the Mrs. I still see Julie on TV every day.

WHY I'M GLAD I DIDN'T SLEEP WITH HER: I can't say that I'm not, to be honest. I coulda been humpin' a real live TV star by now. I see her from time to time and at least she remembers me. She's a sweet girl. I should have went after that when I had the chance. Alas ... I digress like a pig.


CATHY: I had such a mad crush on Cathy. We were both married and were good friends that worked together. My feelings for her went well beyond animal lust … she was just an incredibly cool chick who I connected with on several different levels. In ways, I think she could have been my soulmate, but Susie got to me first. Susie's my soulmate. But I think Cathy is a good back-up in case Susie doesn't work out. Yeah. Like I can just plan my life out.

"Hey Cathy! Uncle Bob here! How are you doing? Me? Well ... you might remember my wife, Susie? Yeah, she died quick and suddenly yesterday after a mysterious illness that had something to do with brushing her teeth too much. Yeah, it's a bitch, lemme tell ya. Anywhooo...I was just calling to let you know you can alter your world for the rest of your life and come down here to marry me. Hello??"

WHY I'M GLAD I DIDN'T SLEEP WITH HER: I respected her way too much to do that. I liked her husband who she has since divorced. The last time I heard from her, she had become a pseudo-hippie and was following the band Widespread Panic around while they were on tour.

Oh.

And I was married.


PAM: She and I had an incredible make-out session one night. And then the next day, I moved away.

WHY I'M GLAD I DIDN'T SLEEP WITH HER: She was 14. In my defense, I was 15. But back then, 14 and 15 year-olds didn't have sex. I know…what a strange concept, huh?


DEANN: Deann was a senior in high school when I was a junior. She was a cheerleader and was in the popular clique at school while I was a schlub with 3-4 buddies and that was it. We didn't know each other in high school and didn't meet until after she had graduated and we were both working at the same place. I made her laugh and in return she made me incredibly horny by laughing at my stupid jokes. She asked me to go see "The Muppet Movie" with her and I was ecstatic. We went to the movie and at one point I worked up the courage to hold her hand, but it was just as she was moving her hand and I missed her hand and was too embarrassed to try it again. So I didn't. We went out for pizza afterwards and I took her home without a kiss goodnight. We stayed friends for about another year, but we both were going to different colleges and soon the letters stopped being sent.

WHY I'M GLAD I DIDN'T SLEEP WITH HER: Uhhhhh…I'm not. Who are you kidding? I should have MARRIED that girl. Weren't you reading? She was a popular cheerleader. DUH!!! You don't just take popular cheerleaders to a G-rated movie and a pizza and then just dump her on her doorstep without so much as a peck on the cheek! Jeezum Crow!! What kinda idiot was I?


THE MOST BEAUTIFUL GIRL I EVER MADE OUT WITH: This was in college and a female friend of mine had brought her cousin up to school to spend the weekend with her. Her cousin was a senior in high school, I was a freshman in college.

I don't remember the girl's name to save my life.

But she was the most beautiful girl I've ever made out with. Sunny blonde hair, dark tan, blue-green eyes, and a huge white smile. Looked like a pure and innocent California surfer girl.

I don't remember what we did early on in the evening. But I remember Surfer Girl wanting me to take her on a walking tour of the campus at about 11 p.m.

So I walked her up to the top of the hill (University of Tennessee-Knoxville) where all the education buildings were.

We passed this one grassy spot outside a building and I said it was where people "made out at night".

Naturally, nobody's there. It just seemed like a good line at the time.

She suggested we try it.

And try it we did.

Things got a bit wild. No clothes were shed but we both had roamin' hands if you get my drift and somehow I get the feeling you don't even wanna get my drift sometimes. What's wrong with you? Why won't you get my drift, you sore drift-getter?

Anyway. I think I've got one arm in her shorts and the other up her shirt while she has both arms in my pants because it takes two hands to hold a Whopper. We look like we're playing some bizarre version of "Twister".

Suddenly someone with a flashlight is practically standing over us.

Campus security. We were told to knock it off and get out of there.

So I walked her back to my dorm room. We got in my bed and started back where we had left off.

Did I mention I slept in bunk beds?

And my roommate was in the top bunk at the time?

And he got a bit pissed because it was like 3 a.m. and I had brought some surfer chick back to the dorm room to get it on underneath him?

So he basically said "Go dry hump this chick somewhere else". But it was late and she just wanted to go back to her cousin's room.

So I walked her back to her cousin's dorm. I remember kissing her goodbye in the doorway to the dorm and then never seeing that girl again.

WHY I'M GLAD I DIDN'T SLEEP WITH HER: I'm pretty sure she was jailbait. I was 19, she was 17. She was cute, but not worth doing hard time over. Beyond that, I really don't know.

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