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5:13 a.m. - 2003-03-04

WHEN ALL ELSE FAILS, BRING OUT THE DRUNKEN HORNY MIDGETS

Wow!

First off, my wife wants to thank all of you who sent her an email yesterday, wanting to know more about the at-home business that she's doing.

Lemme reiterate...it's not ALL at home. Every now and then, you have to leave the house with a bunch of home decor items, set them up in a stranger's home and go "This lovely tray can serve as a tray...or a delightful platter!" and that kinda stuff.

All I know is...it's a good supplemental income right now and eventually, if she keeps putting 100% into it ... it will be a good full time job.

Anyway...if you haven't received an email from her yet you'll receive one tonight. And she'd also like to talk to each of you on the phone.

Please...for the love of God ... don't get all schoolgirl giggly and ask her what I'm like in bed.


Speaking of jobs ... I think it's time to start looking for another one for me.

Payroll is late this pay period. By almost a week.

We had an after-hours meeting last night with the CEO/President who promised us that we'd all be paid by Thursday.

I've worked for businesses that went through this same exact thing.

One place, we had to go to the CEO and tell him EXACTLY how much we needed to get by and he would write us a check for it and tell us when we could take it to the bank.

A month later, we showed up for work and the doors were locked with a simple message scrawled on a piece of paper and taped to the inside of the door.

"Sorry".

I would personally like to thank Al-Queda, Saddam Hussein, those crafty North Koreans and our fearless leader George W. Bush for screwing up our economy to such a point that businesses can no longer afford to move forward and are forced to be closed down.

I think I'm going to buy a shotgun, sit out on my front porch, drink hard liquor and threaten all the bill collectors that come around here hunting for money until the apocalypse comes.

I would think that would be any day now.


Apparently ... and I don't want to jump the gun here ... but I think we may finally have been relieved of the Pervy Babysitting Duties.

It's been four weeks now since we've watched him. Maybe five. Andrew's been in Kindermusik for five weeks, so maybe it is five weeks.

The first couple of weeks we made up excuses that we were both at Kindermusik and wouldn't be getting home until late.

Then we saw the parents at Sam's and stone cold busted them without the kids and they had to admit that they left the kids at home. I guess at that point, they felt like ... if they had to tell us that the kids were perfectly capable of staying at home by themselves while the parents went shopping, then they can stay at home when the parents go to Bible Study.

Either way, like I told Susie last night ... I'm not complaining.


I leave you with a joke that I heard yesterday.

Two midgets are in a bar, getting drunk. They're talking about how it's been a long time since they got laid and they finally decide to go pick up some hookers, take them to a cheap motel and get some sex.

They find two hookers, a cheap motel, both of them get a room and get down to business.

One midget, let's call him Buck, can't get it up because he's so drunk and he's a midget. So his prostitute leaves the motel.

Frustrated, Buck finds a drinking glass and presses it to the wall to listen to his buddy Chuck having sex.

He hears "1...2....UNGH!! 1...2....UNGH!! 1....2....UNGH!!" over and over again.

The next morning, the midgets meet in the motel's lobby for stale donuts and cold coffee.

"How did your night go?" Chuck asks Buck.

"I couldn't get it up so my hooker left," Buck says. "But I heard you in there getting it on!"

"Shit," Chuck says. "I couldn't even get up on the fucking bed."


I dunno if that translates as well in the written form, but I laughed my ass off when I heard it yesterday.

Have a good one!

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