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4:16 a.m. - 2003-03-12

OH JUST GREAT. NOW I HAVE SEVEN DAYS LEFT TO LIVE

So I'm driving to work yesterday.

It wasn't actually work. I was driving the van to the Body Works shop to get an estimate on how much damage Susie did to it recently.

($1,900. Ain't she a peach?)

And I'm driving down the interstate and I see this car up ahead of me weaving from lane to lane in a haphazard fashion.

"Oh my goodness," I say to myself in my most queerest of inner voices. "This person must be drunker than Cooter Brown up ahead."

I cautiously speed up to about 90 mph in order to pass the person and let them drive all woozy crazy behind me rather than in front of me so I don't wreck into them, causing even more damage to the van.

I get alongside of the car and I make the quick assumption that this driver is not drunk.

Nay.

She's female.

More specifically ... a female applying makeup while driving.

Now then ... what in the HELL is wrong with you women that you can't get up five minutes earlier in the morning to apply your stupid makeup at home and not risk the lives of others so that you have some semi-thick eyelashes??

There she was, slapping that mascara on like a circus clown, staring into her rearview mirror and not paying any attention to the road.

I had half a mind to crash into the side of her car and then jacknife as much as a mini van could possibly jacknife, leaving her no choice but to either kill me or take her mind off her dolled-up whore face and pay attention to the road.

Luckily, I had another half a mind that told me that dying wouldn't really solve much in my dilemma.

So I honked like crazy at her until I got her attention.

Then I made a really stupid face and mimicked her applying mascara with my tongue hanging out of the side of my mouth, my eyes crossed and my lips all curled up.

Yeah.

That should teach her a thing or two.


So my boy Edweird called me last night to report all the behind-the-scenes gossip from his latest movie project.

Edweird's currently working on a movie entitled "Big Fish", starring Ewan McGregor, Billy Crudup, Jessica Lange,Helena Bonham Carter, Danny DeVito, and my personal hero ... Steve Buscemi.

Oh. And of course...my boy Edweird.

Anyway, he's been working on that all week and has landed the plum role of "Groundskeeper #6" in the Circus scene. The role requires a great deal of acting skill plus a great deal of fake elephant shit smeared all over his clothes and hair.

He said that yesterday director Tim Burton came within three feet of him as did Ewan McGregor. Edweird, sensing that a desperate act may land him a bigger role, fell to his knees, grabbed Ewan around the left thigh, and began dry humping his ankles like a man possessed as he passed.

That's how he moved up from Groundskeeper #8 to Groundskeeper #6. Apparently McGregor likes that kinda false idol worshipping.

He also said a kid got sick on one of the carnival rides that they have set up and came inches away from vomiting all over Ewan's head.

And somebody else's cell phone went off at a crucial moment in filming and Tim Burton went crazy, firing the guy on the spot.

It's stuff like that incident that explains why more movies are not made here in Alabama.

Hell...even "Sweet Home Alabama" was filmed in Georgia.


Speaking of movies (I kick ASS on segues!) I watched "The Ring" yesterday.

I had rented it at lunch, went back to the office and got a call at 2 p.m. from the plumber who was going to come out to the house to check out why we had brown water spewing from our property.

The plumber was supposed to meet me at 2:30.

I'm STILL waiting on him this morning. The bastard never showed up. I called and left two voice mails for him, the second being much more irritated than the first.

Nothing. No return calls.

Yeah. I'm really happy about that.

Anyway, while I waited for him, I put "The Ring" in.

And now...for my 15 second review:

Okay...the movie's all about a disturbing video that looks like it was shot by David Lynch after he dropped a couple hundred hits of acid. Apparently, after you watch it, you have seven days left to live.

Luckily for me, I rented it on DVD and not video. So apparently, I won't be dying within the week after watching it, but hey...you never know with those crazy Hollywood types.

It was creepy. It stuck with me for a bit afterwards. I thought it dragged in places and was a bit confused at the end.

The phone rang twice while I watched it. For those of you who have seen it, you can imagine my terror at the sound of a phone ringing.

Now...here's the ultimate creepy part...

At the end of the film, JUST as the credits started to roll, I was sitting on the couch, kinda facing the front door of our house. Next to the front door, there's a little half-window that allows us to see outside to the front porch area.

I SAW an arm in the window go up and then back down.

I thought "Ah! The plumber must finally be here!"

I got up and went to open the front door.

No plumber.

No anyone.

Deadly quiet.

Now...I KNOW I saw an arm go UP. And then come back down. As if someone was standing in front of the door and was waving their arm in front of the window.

I SAW this.

It took me maybe five seconds to get to the door.

Nobody there.

I could give another brief synopsis of the moment if you think it would help you clarify what the hell I'm talking about, but I get the feeling you pretty much are following me by now.

That TOTALLY creeped me out.

The only logical explanation that I can offer is that maybe it was a bird.

But I think that I've had enough experience determining the difference between birds and arms in my life that it shouldn't pose a problem when I'm put on the spot to make a legitimate decision on whether something is a human arm or a bird.

I think my brand new home is haunted by ancient Indian tribes who like to wave their arms frantically on my front porch like they're guiding airplanes around on a tarmac.

Either that or a Birdman paid me a visit yesterday. One of those half bird, half man freaks.

Either way, I was totally spooked.


I can't think of much more to "rap" about with you "hip" young kids today.

I've got to go get ready to take Andrew to daycare since the Mrs. has a pretty important job interview after work today and won't be home until 8 or so.

Keep your fingers crossed that she gets this gig. More money, closer to home, bigger company and less shittier bosses.

Yeah.

So anyway...I'm outta.

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