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5:19 a.m. - 2003-03-14

MY LOVE AFFAIR WITH THE PLUMBING INDUSTRY

At some point in everyone's life, they have to make a decision.

That decision being ... are they going to take the time to learn how to do the simple things in life or are they going to rely on others to do it for them?

I choose to let others do it for me. Mainly because I hate doing anything I don't have to do.

Case in point ... called the plumber to come out to the house the other day. Apparently he misunderstood me when I said "I'll meet you at my house in 20 minutes." He thought I said "I might be at my house in 20 minutes" and then sat and waited by his phone for me to call and confirm that I was indeed on the way to the house.

Anyway, we cleared that up and he wanted to meet me at the house yesterday at lunch.

Fine and dandy. Pencil me in, Plumber Guy.

I meet him at the house yesterday at lunch.

He looks at the constant water flow from the drainage pipe next to my house and says it looks like my house was built atop either an underground spring or a well. Because my water line is NOT leaking.

He then says that if this water doesn't stop draining, in time the street will sink and then most likely our foundation will start crumbling.

Which is a wonderful thing to hear about your six month-old home.

"Hey! I know you like your new house, but in just a little bit, it's gonna sink into the ground like Carrie's house at the end of that movie and your whole family will be on their way to hell!"

So then I bring him inside because our kitchen sink has extremely low water pressure. The cold water dribbles out while the hot water seems to do fine.

He gets on his knees, opens the cabinet doors under the sink and....turns the knob that turns the water on.

Voila!

Instant water pressure!

Oh!

And by the way ... you're a dumbass, Mr. I Have To Call A Plumber When I Need A Faucet Turned On!!

These are the pitfalls of relying on others to do stuff for you.

When the stuff you call them to do is so incredibly freakin' simple that you feel like a complete loser when they "fix" whatever is wrong.

This usually happens with me and plumbers.

Electricians, I don't mind calling and then made to look like a dumbass because I'm not messin' with electricity.

Nope, no thanks.

If I need to call an electrician to come to my house to flip a switch in the breaker box ... that's money well spent, Mister.

I don't try to hide it ... I do not know how to fix a lot of things.

I think some brains are made to handle that sort of information. Mine isn't.

My brain can make up things like "Infected anal warts" as a derogatory term toward someone who I feel is less superior than myself.

But it can't retain the step-by-step solutions to fixing the water pressure in my kitchen sink.

The biggest drawback to all this is ... I then present an afternoon full of shits and giggles to a plumber and his teenage assistant about "that stupid motherfucker who doesn't know how to turn his water on".

This may be true.

But at least I have all of my teeth, Mr. Plumber Guy.


Last night was the big "Win A Date With Uncle Bob" finale that I've been promoting for the last several months.

I flew Erika from Peytons Place to town from her home near Fort Lauderdale for the big date.

She chose Longhorn Steakhouse as the restaurant where this monumental occasion would take place.

She brought me flowers, which was a nice touch.

She had also brought a scrapbook full of drawings that she had done of me based on the one photo that everyone has seen of me.

That was kind of creepy.

The creepiest one was a drawing of herself and me where she had a knife in her hand and was staring at me with the words "YOU WILL BE MINE" practically carved into the page.

I politely thanked her for the flowers and scrapbook, and it was at that point that she got up from her chair, grabbed my face in her hands and began french kissing me in the restaurant.

I've got to admit ... that really creeped me out.

Especially since Susie and Andrew were there, as were her parents and baby son Peyton.

I pulled my head back and said "Whoa, sister! I know you want some hot Uncle Bob action and all, but that's my wife over there!"

Susie looked up from her salad and said "It's cool with me. Go for it."

So, with everyone in the restaurant looking on, Erika once again began swabbing my tonsils with her tongue while I gasped for air.

She finally stopped and said "I'm ready for this date to go to the next level, you hot stud, you."

I think...yeah, I'm pretty sure...it was at that point that I woke up and looked at the clock.

2:44 a.m.

I have GOT to stop eating ice cream before bed. These dreams are getting out of control.


So anyway, we all went out last night and had a good time.

For me, it's always weird meeting people that I have gotten to know via websites, chat rooms or emails first.

I always walk away from the moment wondering how utterly boring these people must think I am.

I'm not the most talkative person in the world. I'm more of a listener than a talker. And I always feel like I should talk more when I first meet people.

So anyway ... sorry Erika for not being more chatty.

But damn...don't put blackened prime rib in front of me and expect me to chit-chat rather than eat.

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