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4:13 a.m. - 2003-03-26

PORN UPDATES AND A MOVIE REVIEW

An update on yesterday and finding out that Granny's a porn surfer...

As it turns out, my no-good, Diet Dr. Pepper-swilling, $1,100-owing, chain-smoking, probably-gay-because-he-hasn't-had-a-date-since-the-80s brother-in-law was over here for lunch on Monday and used the computer.

So he was the one who looked up the porn on the internet.

Not Grandma.

I never thought I'd be so glad to say this, but thank God my brother-in-law uses my computer to surf for porn.


As to those who suggest that I get some sort of password protection on the computer, let me explain my position here.

I'm the perfect in-law. I do not fight with my in-laws out of respect for my wife.

I do not bat an eyelash to their asking for money or their guzzling of my carbonated beverages.

I vent about it quite a bit here because...and hold on to your hat here...this is MY DIARY.

A diary is used to record thoughts and in my case ... to vent against things that I normally wouldn't vent against in real life.

It's a way for me to get stuff off my chest because I don't do it in real life.

Some may say that's unhealthy.

I find it both healthy and rewarding.

Some people (for some unknown reason) enjoy reading my thoughts and absorbing my little rants against the things in my life that disturb me.

Others do not and find it necessary to point out that I'm just a whiny shitbag.

As I've said before and will continue to say again ... nobody is twisting your arm and forcing your face against your computer monitor, demanding you read every word I type.

If I were to password-protect my computer, it would cause friction between my in-laws and myself which is something that I simply do not want to do for my wife and son's sake.

Therefore, if the overwhelming majority of you are tired of reading about my in-laws coming to my house and surfing for porn when I take my eyes off of them for two seconds then I will do you all a favor and stop writing about it.

HA!

Psyche!!

If you're tired of reading about it, fuck the fuck off.

This is MY DIARY, YOU BITCHY LITTLE CRYBABIES!

And I am not letting anonymous little shitcrackers dictate what the fuck I type here.

MY BROTHER-IN-LAW AND NEPHEW USE MY COMPUTER TO SEARCH FOR PORNO!!!!

And I'm not password-protecting my computer and starting shit with my in-laws over it!

And if you don't want to read about it, you can suck my dead grandpa's moldy flaccid decaying penis!!

Whoohoooo!!

Ha-ha!!

I'm cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs! Cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs!!

(Uncle Bob goes running around the room, cackling hysterically, until he runs into a wall and knocks himself unconscious for a moment)


Uhhhh...so where was I?

Oh yes...I BOUGHT a DVD yesterday.

Yes, dear reader who's still reading even after the moldy dick slam, I purchased "Jackass The Movie" yesterday.

I had heard so much about the film from my boy Edweird whose body is 33 years old but his emotional status never left the age of 14.

I've got to say, since I heard so much about the film, I pretty much knew what was going to happen during the more uproarious parts of the movie and can safely report that I did not laugh out loud once.

Not once.

Normally, I find this sort of humor somewhat amusing.

But for some reason the flick just didn't do it for me.

I guess I could chalk it up to the fact that I watched in on my computer, while my mother-in-law sat in the kitchen about seven feet from me and wanted to hold a conversation while I tried to watch the movie.

So I'd watch 15 seconds of the movie and she'd ask a question.

I'd pause the movie, ask her to repeat herself, then answer her question. I'd then give her 30 seconds to respond to my response. After those 30 seconds, I would un-pause the movie and watch for another 15 seconds before she came up with another f'n question.

Granted, had I been watching an absorbing dramatic masterpiece like "There's Something About Mary", this staggered line of questioning would have detracted from the overall enjoyment of the film.

But this was Jackass.

There is no plot.

Plenty of male nudity though!

Whooohoooo!!

If you're into hairy ass cracks, this may just be the film for you!


Weeter, I'll be sending your CD momentarily.

Trance, thanks so much for the boxed set.

Cas, you give drag queens a bad name.

And that bad name...is Harold.


I guess I'd better get off the computer as it's nearing 6 a.m. which means it's time for Granny to take over for the next 16 hours.

It's kind of funny. While she's been here, she's surfed the web about 80% of the time that she's been in the house.

Last night, as I watched "Jackass" on the computer, it was KILLING her.

As soon as I got off the computer, she hopped on and started looking up all her liberal talk-radio host's websites and railing against whatever the hell they're railing against these days.

Anyway. I can't really talk smack about her. She is watching Andrew all week and saving us from having to duck out of work.

Well...I say she's "watching" him. She's in the same house as him while he watched Disney and she surfs the web.

Alright.

I do believe I've bitched enough for one morning.

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