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5:26 a.m. - 2003-03-28

PERVY GETS SHOCKED AND AWED

It finally happened.

I took it to the ultimate level.

Came home last night. Pervy and Sissy Boy were here with Grandma and Andrew.

Naturally, Grandma's on the computer while the kids are watching Cartoon Network and ... of course ... Andrew's playing by himself outside.

(For those of you worrying, we have a privacy fence all the way around the backyard and my son is a freak who refuses to walk in grass, so he stays right on the patio. Plus, our neighborhood...well ... let's just say that I don't have to worry about my son being in the backyard by himself anymore. It's not a big deal. I mean...it is since I have three in-laws here who are here to "watch and play" with Andrew and none of them do so ... they're just wallowing in the comfort that our home provides them over their own. But anyway...welcome to Digress City)

So I get home and I have to finish my TWoP recap of Fraternity Life. And since I'm on my fourth day of fighting Granny for the computer, I've gotten comfortable about kicking her ass off of it.

"Up Granny," I said, jutting my right thumb in the air repeatedly. "I've got work to do."

"Oh. Okay," she says, gathering up her coffee mug, pages of text that she's printed out, glasses, etc.

I sit down at the computer and think "Gee. I'd better check the history for today before I get started."

Check the history.

I'm not quite sure what the concept of "Hentai" is. But I'm sure I just got a shitload of Google hits for it.

It's Japanese Anime porn to the best of my knowledge. It's usually red-headed little cartoon girls with big eyes, spread legs and fluids oozing from their naughty bits.

And Pervy LOVES this shit.

LOVES IT.

I know because my history is full of the sites.

At this point, I've had enough.

I'm mad at Pervy for doing it.

And I'm mad at Grandma for NOT supervising Pervy when I distinctly reminded her yesterday morning that Pervy was NOT allowed on the computer.

Susie comes home and asks how I'm doing.

I say "Not good".

I make her come in the office and take a look at some of the pictures he had been looking at. Not just Hentai, but actual women cramming dildos the size of telephone poles inside their butts.

"This has to stop," I said.

"What do you suggest we do?" she said.

"Kill him?" I suggested.

She calls Pervy into the office and closes the door.

"Pervy," I say. "What exactly is 'Hentai'?"

He froze.

"I dunno," he said. "I know what (some other Japanese word) is. But I don't know what Hentai is."

"Well then why do you insist on looking up Hentai every time you're here?"

"I don't!"

I pop open a page from the history where a cartoon redhead is getting banged doggy-style.

"So you're telling me that Grandma is looking this up?"

Silence.

"Is Sissy Boy searching for this?"

Silence.

"I know it's not Andrew because he just likes to draw on the computer. I'm no detective, but that leads me to believe that it's YOU looking this crap up."

Silence.

"How many times have I asked you not to do this?"

Silence.

"I'll tell you ... I've been asking you nicely since 2000. The last time I asked you was in November. And today is the LAST time that I ask you."

Silence. The kid is standing there, staring at me.

I then went on a long diatribe about how we're a Christian family and that we do not allow this kind of behavior in our home. It disgusts us and it makes us sick.

I let Susie talk for a minute or two while I scrambled to remember every phrase that parents are supposed to say to make their teenagers feel like shit.

Susie took it to a whole new level. She said this is how serial killers and rapists get started...looking up porn on the web. And she didn't want him going to prison. She called him a "Jeffrey Dahmer waiting to happen".

Hon. I don't think the guy's going to lure young Laotian boys to his apartment, sex 'em up, kill 'em and eat em.

I then took the conversation back over before she started saying she didn't want him to grow up to be an African cannibal with a poor driving record.

"Your aunt and I are extremely disappointed in you," I said. "We cannot trust you to be in our home and frankly, I don't want you in our home. You make me extremely uncomfortable and I am so angry with you that I want to hurt you right now."

He backed up a step. It's not like I was going to hit the kid. I wanted to. But I'm not going to jail for this shit.

I pointed out that I was no idiot. He may fancy himself a computer geek (his words), but did he have any idea how easy it is to check up on his computer activities.

I showed him how "History" works. You click the f'n button and there's everything that had been looked at the entire day.

"Well, I went to check my email," he finally says. "And I get all these emails with dirty things on them. And I delete them, but they keep coming to me."

"Look," I said. "I know you think I'm some kind of idiot. But I've been on the internet since you were in diapers (a lie). I know how this stuff works. You have to click on the link in order for the page to come up. You're NOT deleting the emails, you're clicking on the links."

"No. I'm not," he said in his weak defense.

At that moment...that exact moment...I was going through the day's history and found a Google Image Search for "Hentai".

Busted.

Stone cold B-U-S-T-E-D.

"Pervy, here's a Google search for Hentai," I said, opening up the page and having the three of us gaze at several cartoon porn images. "This means that you TYPED in the word Hentai and purposely went in search for some of these photos. Do NOT blame it on emails. You did this yourself."

BUSTED.

So he finally admits that he has a "problem".

I told him that it's not necessarily a "problem". He's 15 and he's curious about women and that is normal.

BUT using my computer to look it up...that's not normal.

I told him I don't care what he does on their computer at home and he said he's not allowed to get on the Internet at his house. Sissy Boy nonchalantly confirmed this later on in the evening over pizza.

I told him it all ended now. He was to NEVER get on my computer. If he ASKED to get on my computer, I would tell him loudly "No" and that it's because he looks at porn.

I told him if he ever does it again, I'm calling Juvie and having him put in a Juvenile Detention Facility because I'm tired of this. And if he didn't think I would....just try me.

Then, in order to make sure he didn't find a machete and come hack me and my family up over this in a few years, I told him that we loved him (I know...that's stretching it) and that we cared about him and that's why we're doing this.

I asked him if we needed to tell his parents about this and he said "no". So I'm not going to. Last night's shame fest was the first one where both Susie and I beat up on him while the images that he had been looking at during the day were on the screen in front of all three of us.

I'll give it to the kid...he never looked ashamed or embarrassed.

Me? If my Uncle and Aunt were standing there, looking at pics of a chick fisting herself that I had pulled up on their computer??

Dude...the nearest window? I would have crashed through it at alarming speeds and ran until I passed out from exhaustion.

We finally left the office and he went and sat on the couch with Sissy Boy and watched Cartoon Network.

Grandma wanted to know what was going on and Susie took her aside and reiterated ... Pervy is NOT ALLOWED ON THE COMPUTER AT ANY TIME FOR ANY REASON.

I think we got through to him.

I know one thing...no matter how cool the kid might have played it off ... he does NOT want to look up porn on my computer again.

Because next time ... the shit will get UGLY.

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